Lack of Support and Warm Feeling from Fiance Family

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

I hate to say it but they don’t have to care, go out of their way or like you. They are showing you how they feel and you need to decide if this is the treatment you want. 

Post # 3
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

Hello, I understand the feeling, my fiancé’s family also didn’t like me for years, and I also know that they said the exact same thing to my fiancé when I first met them too, also commenting on my tattoos. I am glad to say that since having our daughter they have been better towards me. Needless to say I will never be good enough for their son but then I don’t think anyone would have been. 

 

I will just say that as for the dress shopping thing, she might have felt like she was intruding on your mother’s territory once she could go. I sort of understand that and wouldn’t take it personally.

Post # 4
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can do on your own other than lower your expectations.

How aware is your fiance of your feelings and has he observed the coolness coming from his family?

They don’t have to like you but there are consequences to keeping your child-in-law at a distance and not at least trying to develop some sort of comfortable warmth between you.

Your fiance could gently point out to his mother that being reserved with you is her right but he is disappointed she isn’t making more of an effort with his wife-to-be. You two will want to spend time with the people who enjoy and care about both of you and if they can’t welcome you into their family with kindness then they will be creating distance between him and them, too.

But you can’t make him say that, it would have to come from his heart and be what he believes plus no one wants pity or coerced kindness from their in-laws.

It looks rude of his mother to cancel on the dress shopping excursion especially as it was very sweet of you to invite her in the first place. Of course you were hurt, both for yourself and for what looks like the slight to your mother. I don’t believe it would be petty to explain that to your fiance.

Mind you, she may have regarded herself as a stand-in and not have wanted to intrude on a mother-daughter moment so there may be an understandable misunderstanding there based on your prior history.

Anyway, she’d have plausible deniablility on that one, at least, if called on it so I don’t reccommend your fiance offer specific examples if he says anything at all about their general attitude to you.

Post # 6
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

One thing that I have learned that really helps is to try to see things from your MIL’s perspective.

He is her son. She raised him, loved him, saw his heart get broken… She has always been there for him. She did not know you. She could not be sure you were to be trusted. It is not that she didn’t like you. She just did not know what you could end up doing to her son. It’s in their baggage. She probably trusted his ex and was shocked to learn what happened.

It takes time, effort, patience, understanding, compassion – the whole nine – to win over some MIL’s hearts. I can tell you that from experience. Mine was very skeptical at first, and I don’t blame her. I totally understand! My baggage is not what could be called ideal – and seriously, whose is? Lol: I was married before. I am 8 years older than my fiancé. I am not American. 

It took time and a lot of conversations and time spent together for her to realize my baggage also includes generosity, kindness, empathy, love for her son and for his whole family, being hardworking, trustworthy, and honest. Only time and real life situations could prove her that.

I’m confident to say she loves me now, and I’m sure that only happened because I didn’t rise when I felt my integrity was being questioned. I felt bad at the time, that’s for sure, but I put myself in her shoes and could therefore see where she was coming from. It was not against ME. It was for HIM. She loves him, and I love him, so we are basically on the same page…

The key IMO is not to take it personally (as hard as that can be sometimes), as it is not against YOU. Anyone who became his SO would have been subject to the same analysis. 

You are a good person, right? They will realize that with time. From your message, I take it that they treat you respectfully. That is a great sign. Just keep on being yourself, do not take things to heart, and give it time…

Post # 7
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Not sure why my reply is not showing… I will try once more…

One thing that I have learned that really helps is to try to see things from your MIL’s perspective.

He is her son. She raised him, loved him, saw his heart get broken… She has always been there for him. She did not know you. She could not be sure you were to be trusted. It is not that she didn’t like you. She just did not know what you could end up doing to her son. It’s in their baggage. She probably trusted his ex and was shocked to learn what happened.

It takes time, effort, patience, understanding, compassion – the whole nine – to win over some MIL’s hearts. I can tell you that from experience. Mine was very skeptical at first, and I don’t blame her. I totally understand! My baggage is not what could be called ideal – and seriously, whose is? Lol: I was married before. I am 8 years older than my fiancé. I am not American. 

It took time and a lot of conversations and time spent together for her to realize my baggage also includes generosity, kindness, empathy, love for her son and for his whole family, being hardworking, trustworthy, and honest. Only time and real life situations could prove her that.

I’m confident to say she loves me now, and I’m sure that only happened because I didn’t rise when I felt my integrity was being questioned. I felt bad at the time, that’s for sure, but I put myself in her shoes and could therefore see where she was coming from. It was not against ME. It was for HIM. She loves him, and I love him, so we are basically on the same page…

The key IMO is not to take it personally (as hard as that can be  sometimes), as it is not against YOU. Anyone who became his SO would have been subject to the same analysis. 

You are a good person, right? They will realize that with time. From your message, I take it that they treat you respectfully. That is a great sign. Just keep on being yourself, do not take things to heart, and give it time…

Post # 7
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
engagedformerfk :  I have experienced the same sort of reception, mainly from Fi’s mother. I agree with 
View original reply
lifetimegoals – since they aren’t being outright rude or mean to you, hopefully it’s just a case of them being cautious until they’ve gotten to REALLY know you, which could still take some time. 

I am from a piss-poor background, and Fi is of Wealthy New England Stock. *eyeroll* So I totally get where you’re coming from. I get the same feeling from Fi’s mother, that she thinks he’s marrying “down.”

And I can get in my feelings sometimes and take it personally.

But when I really try to see it from her point of you, it kinda makes sense.

He legit could have married ANYONE – he’s tall, gorgeous, wealthy, kind, generous, etc. From her point of view, he could have married a tall, beautiful woman from a wealthy family. And instead he “settled” for me (at least, in her eyes.) So I think she would have resented ANYONE Fi wound up with if they WEREN’T this fantasy she’s had in her head his entire life. 

It sucks for us, but try not to take it personally, and hopefully – with more time spent together – she will learn to appreciate all the qualities your Fi loves about you.

Post # 9
Member
10215 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
engagedformerfk :  

 ” and just be the best soon to be wife I can”.  Yeah well , but just don’t be too abject and earnest about it dear OP, you are far more than just a ‘soon-to-be-wife ‘ . Hold your head up and don’t act like you have  to compensate for being who you are. He chose you and you chose him., IL”s will have to accept  that and better for everyone if they start asap.

They won’t if you  continue to people-please and to try hard and struggle to make them like you , it hasn’t  worked and it won’t work . Almost never does , with anyone.  

Post # 10
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
elderbee :  wide words. Some people esp people from this background OP is describing her in laws come from, smell a “weakness” and won’t respect people pleasing at all. Backbone and self respect are the only saving graces.

View original reply
engagedformerfk :  I have a side of my family who are snobby and look down on my Fiance because he comes from a different background. I solved that problem by not hanging out with them as much, since they couldn’t deal with my choices and see what a fantastic, authentic person my Fiance is. Don’t change yourself or doubt yourself because of anyone else’s exterior judgments. 

But 

View original reply
lifetimegoals :  made a great point, she loves her son. If that is the motivation, she will soften in her own time. Either way, hold your head high and keep being yourself. 

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