(Closed) Lackluster sex life causing problems

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think it’s great that you were initiating even though you were not necessarily in the mood. That’s a really good start. Often times, when you just start doing it more it will continue to happen. I would also try reading some erotica and maybe watch porn together. It sounds like your man is still timid when it comes to initiating. 

The fact that you’re talking about it is a good thing too!

Figure out how often would you like to be having sex and how often would he would. See how close these numbers are to one another and make a PLAN to make it happen. Don’t just assume he or you will initiate. Write it out if you have to or make a pact. If one of you doesn’t adhere to the argreement have some sort of fun consequence. Like maybe if you miss he gets a BJ or if he misses you get your favorite thing. You might start looking forward to someone forgetting and those fun consequences could still lead to sex… Wink

Post # 4
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe since you are the main intitiator of sex, he feels that, if you aren’t starting it, it means you aren’t in the mood. Since you have had conversations about this, did something happen that would make him hesitant to initiate sex? Like has he started it a couple of times only to be told not right now? I’m just trying to get the history on his side to see what he may be thinking.

Try to put him in situations where he has to be the aggressor, but you really leave him no choice. Maybe buy some lacy panties and wear just a T shirt while working in the kitchen (make sure he can see you). Or when you are getting ready for bed, just get down to your sexy underwear and bra while getting ready, rather than any old PJs you might normally wear. Or get some sexy PJs?

I’m not sure if this is stuff you are already doing or not, but it might be something fun to try to spice things up.


Post # 6
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Nurse_Bee:  This! If he is expecting you to initiate as you like it and you stop all of the sudden , he probably thinks your not interested causing him to loose confidence in starting it off. Perhaps this weekend in the cabin , he wishes you would jump his bones. I know you need him to have initiative, but I think you guys need to get into a groove first. Pursue it and do it as much as you can! Ask if there is anything you can incorporate: toys, porn, role playing, fantasies , whatever

Post # 7
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@littlemissseptember2010:  Yesterday there was a great opportunity to be together, and likely the only of the weekend, we are at his parents cottage with the family. And nothing happened. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

First, I wanted to address this part.  For a lot of people, myself included, the parents’ cottage with the family is the LAST place I would want sex.  Even if people are gone at the moment…not gonna happen for me.  For some, it would be a turn-on to think that the others could return at any time, but for me, it’s a total turn-off.  So you can’t hold this particular incident against him.

As to the other, is he doing things to gauge your interest that you may be interpreting incorrectly?  In my mind, if my husband wanted to intiate sex, I would expect extra affection, (hugging and kissing and such), but APPARENTLY in DH’s mind, it’s initiating to grope my boobs or my butt just randomly, or to *cough* pull down the front of his shorts and wiggle his junk around.  Um, yeah, NOT a turn-on when I can’t tell if you’re being funny/silly and when you are actually serious, (he does do it to be funny/silly, too, and somehow I am supposed to know the difference?!  Hehe!).  Then he’ll mention later that I turned him down, and I’ll be like, “What the heck are you talking about???”  Anyway, my point is just to point out that perhaps he is sending you signals that you’re missing?

He has an irrational need to put other people’s feelings agead of his own.

If both of you are happy with your sex life, it shouldn’t matter if you are having sex once a day or once a year.  But if one or both of you are unhappy, and especially since he tries perhaps a little TOO hard to consider others’ thoughts and feelings above his own, it might not be a bad idea to seek counseling.  A sex therapist may be able to help you guys out more than just the two of you having the same conversation over and over again with nothing changing.  

Post # 10
3110 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

what if you try committing to having sex for 7 days or 14 days or something. make a promise to each other that no matter what- even if you have a fight or are super tired you will show up and do it. i think that could be a great jump start and lead to some deeper intimacy…

Post # 11
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

A lot of this seems more psychological than physical in need, to be honest.

First of all, realize that there is NO “normal” amount of sex. Some people need it everyday, some people only need it once a year (seriously!). So long as you and your partner are happy with the amount that you get, then it’s not a problem.

Yes, you are saying that it IS a problem and you would like to have more sex, but I don’t think it’s quite as big a deal as you’re making it out to be–ie, I think that you are psychologically thinking you “need” more sex but physically, you aren’t really in need of it that much more than what you were getting. I mean, you say your initiating for the sake of initiating, not really because you want it.

My point here is simply that you should be honest with yourself about your REAL physical, sexual needs and separate those from the emotional/psychological ones. Right now, they seem a bit entangled–like you are conflating a disinterest in sex with a disinterest in YOU. That may or may not be the case, but I doubt it. Most men are pretty honest about their sex drive and will initiate when they want it; watch TV when they don’t. I know it can get old to be the one initiating all the time, but sometimes, I think that you’ve got to go for what you want–you can’t expect him to match your sex drive. And if he’s anything like my Darling Husband, if HE’s really not into it, he’ll tell you; but most of the time, he’ll GET into it.

There are a couple of things that you can do to help address the situation, though. One is to address medical concerns. It’s possible (unlikely) that he could have either a psychological or physical issue–psychological would be something like depression which diminishes sex drive, physical could be anything from prostate problems, hormones out of whack, on some type of medication, or even just simple things like stress and sleep issues. Another is to try and be more sensual with each-other–NOT with the intent to have sex, just more affectionate and more physically intimate in general. You can also visit a sex therapist (or just a plain therapist) to discuss the matter.

But before you do any of that, I stand by my original comment. Sex has different importance for different couples–it’s very important for some people to go crazy in the bedroom and do it all the time; it’s equally important for other people to be predictable in the bedroom and more infrequent. We happen to be a culture (I think) that privileges the former attitude, and therefore subtly imply that a low sex drive or a relationship in which sex is not a huge feature is somehow less intimate or less desireable–and this is simply not true. So be honest with yourself and assess the degree of the problem before you get too wrapped up in the drama. Good luck!

Post # 12
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

There’s a book out there called 40 Beads http://www.fortybeads.com/book/. I don’t know if this will help, but from what  Iknow of the basic plan of the book (I haven’t read it yet) it sounds like it might. I may try it myself 🙂

Post # 13
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BothCoasts:  You’ve eloquently made some excellent points. I think the trouble begins when one person in the relationship really does need, not just thinks s/he needs, a different amount of sex than is happening. So many factors affect sex drive, but if the disparity is constant, one person is going to feel crappy about it and the partner (if s/he cares) will feel lousy too. My ex used sex as just another device in his repertoire of passive/aggressive punishments. Regardless, I assumed it was my undersirability and it ripped me apart. My Fiance has MS and a lot of fatigue, so his drive is different than mine, and I have to stop myself from falling back into the thinking that I’m not desirable. If it’s more simply a question of timidity in initiation, there are certainly ways around that. And I agree, most men will rise to the occasion when asked, but it’s awfully nice to know that we are regularly wanted without having to do the asking.

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