Ladies and gents, a sex issue

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, I honestly can’t possibly imagine what the problem is.

BUT I have an idea: You should say to him everything you said here. You should really have a heart-to-heart. I’m sure the Bees have many opinions about this, but my suspicion is that you won’t get very far without getting him to open up and be honest about what HE is truly feeling. Obviously something is up, and HE may not even know for sure–but dialogues, hashing things out a little can help us to understand ourselves better. That’s the beauty of conversation with a therapist πŸ™‚ 

Post # 3
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
photogoflife :  considering he used to have a higher sex drive than you, and he now complains of sensitivity, is it possible he’s been masturbating excessively and is now more used to that? The symptoms seem to match up to me.  

I’m only speculating though.  It could be that his medical concerns are legitimate, but I dont understand how that would cause sensitivity.  I think if it is a medical concern, he should be trying harder to get to the bottom of it.  Has he specifically raised this with a doctor?

In my experience, sex does naturally taper of after years, but once every 3 months is extreme.  

I think the only thing you can do is keep the line of communication open. Try and talk in a non judgemental or emotional way.  Dont bring it up after a failed attempt or constantly, pick a time to sit down with him, raise the situation and discuss what your options are as a couple.  Maybe counseling will help?

Sorry your dealing with this bee, and know this is not tied up to your self worth.  It sounds like he has something to work out, all you can do is be supportive.

Post # 4
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

After a couple years we’ve tapered as well, but still at once a week.  But we’ve both been actively trying to find that spark again and it’s been really helpful for us to try new things together.  We recently had the conversation, “If you could have me do anything to you what would it be?”…and we both created those fantasies for each other.  We also decided to wander through a sex shop together and picked out a very cute, tame looking vibrator and he reeeally liked that more than I think he even expected himself to.  Maybe the deed is just beginning to feel repetitive.  You two have also been together for a long time so those deep emotional feelings he has for you as his partner might be making it difficult for him to get aroused..like he’s struggling to have dirty thoughts about you because he respects you so much? lol just a theory.  I just know whenever we’re running into a dry spell, I make it known that it’s something I want to work on for both of us, and I turn up the sex appeal when I can.  Make him dinner in some skimpy clothing..turn off the tv and just give him the best bj you can..I know when my man sees me really putting in the effort, he will match that effort and make it a priority as well.

Post # 5
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Tough one bee, but this is where your patience and understanding is sorely needed here. I can give you some tips from personal experience: 

  1. I’m almost completely certain this has nothing to do with you.
  2. I agree with Denise Secunda in that you’re going to have to have a discussion with him and let him know how this affects you. This is tricky because he might not know what the problem is and most likely won’t want to discuss it in depth.  (Men are such idiots that way)  This is where your patience & understanding comes into play.
  3. He needs to rule out medical issues. It’s possible his testosterone levels have dropped significantly….this is totally fixable.
  4. Try being intimate with him without sex being the end game. This is just to reassure him and make him more comfortable and help increase his confidence. You’re trying to stave off a complex he’s developing bee and you’re going to have to forgo your own satisfaction for a while to get him through this.  After a while he actually might be more open to visiting a doctor.
  5. Understand that the brain is your true sex organ and that’s where you need to start.
Post # 6
Member
6147 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

He’s making 17k a month, how many hours a week working? Could it be that he’s just utterly exhausted and stressed from work?

Post # 7
Member
11330 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
photogoflife :  

What is the cause of the vertigo and ear ringing?  What meds is he on that aren’t helping?  Has he gone back to the doctor to explore different treatment options?

I think you really have to start out by ruling out medical issues, Bee.  If I had vertigo and tinnitus, I wouldn’t be feeling all that frisky either.  Vertigo can make you quite nauseous.  The meds could also be affecting his performance.

Get him to the doctor specifically to address the sex issues. If there is something medical going on, all of the sexy lingerie on the planet won’t help.

 

Post # 11
Member
9941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
photogoflife :  

”  but the physical part might be age, he did hit over 30.”   It sure as hell ain’t age OP. Are you yourself very young  ? Because to be thinking 30 is old enough to be getting non-functional sexually is …..well, kind of teenage  thinking . Not meaning to minimise your problem at all, please  don’t think that .

Have  you ruled out a secret porn ‘addiction’? That can play havoc with ordinary sexual responses.

Post # 12
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

photogoflife :  if he is not masturbating and not having a morning erection then I truly think the best thing would be to check out a doctor. I have no idea about this stuff, but for me the no morning erections are very strange. But, yeah, good luck with that. I can’t imagine (if he’s anything like my guy) he’s going to be excited about going to a doctor for that of all reasons…

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