Post # 1
Hey Bee’s. I have this awesome best friend. My problem is, I can’t stop comparing my life to hers and competing with her. I know it’s a losing battle. At the young age of 20 (she’s older now) she already bought a fairytale-like house, a cute bright red VW Bug, adopted an adorable German shepherd puppy, got an Irish Stud of a guy that romances the H*LL out of her even after 3 years, and she’s in the Army…When I was 20 I lived in my boyfriend’s parents basement (still there).
Her fiance treats her like a queen! He leaves her flowers on her pillows, and love notes on her mirror followed by rose petals around the house, wakes her up to Breakfast in bed, and sends her heart shaped pizza’s at work, you can just tell by the way he looks at her that he would do anything for her. Not that I’m hitting on her guy but he is Handsome and he came from Ireland so he has a really nice accent too….Mine isn’t anything like that, it’s not that he doesn’t love me, he’s just not the romantic type of guy.
Her Fiance also proposed to her in a HELICOPTER 1600ft above where they had their first date years ago, he replicated their first meeting. My guy proposed on our couch by handing me my ring during half-time, and his eyes never left the tv! My fiance is younger than me so he still needs maturing, and I find myself looking at my best friend, envying all that she has. I have even on ocassion caught myself day dreaming of having her life. I live in my Fiance’s parents basement, as my Fiance is not willing to move out of the comfort of the nest for a while, so I am bitter when I hear her talking about all the beautiful things they’re doing to their house and everything. Even her engagement ring is better! My Fiance went to a pawn shop and didn’t put ANY thought into it, and spent only $300. Her Fiance however, took almost a year saving, and planning, and her Fiance took me to help pick out her ring, and he bought her a beautiful ring that costed over 10 grand! They are not rich, he just wanted to save up alot so he could get her the “Ring of her dreams”.
Not only this..but I feel inadequate in general. They are already planning their wedding but my own Fiance doesn’t want to get married for a few years. I have limited contact with her, as talking with her always makes me feel bad about my life, and jealous of hers…Even though she isn’t bragging, I just feel like her life is moving foward and I’m just watching her pass me by. I feel left behind! How can I keep this friendship AND my SANITY?!!
EDIT: I already know I can’t be happy unless I stop comparing. I figured that out! Im just asking HOW can I stop comparing!
Post # 3
You’re never going to be happy or appreciate what you have until you stop comparing your life to other people’s. And it sounds like you’re not satisfied with your current relationship, so you can wait until he matures or find someone better for you.
Post # 4
First off, I agree with mrscheetos. You need to stop comparing your life to hers.
Secondly, I hate to be harsh, but it would be hard NOT to compare if your fiance “proposed on our couch by handing me my ring during half-time, and his eyes never left the tv”, “went to a pawn shop and didn’t put ANY thought into it, and spent only $300”, “is not willing to move out of the comfort of the nest for a while,” and “doesn’t want to get married for a few years”. That seems to be a lot of red flags and a lot of immaturity.
I say, either accept your fiance for who he is, which is seems like you are reluctant to do, or live with the jealousy and envy of wanting a better life and not finding one.
ETA: Sorry… just saw this is your first post. Welcome to the hive! I’m sorry that I didn’t have the greatest answer for you!
Post # 5
This sounds less like a problem with your friend’s “perfect” life, and more that perhaps you’re settling for less than what you really deserve?
Post # 6
@KatyElle: Iagree! OP it sounds like you are unhappy with the life you have and feel like you deserve more. I agree. From what you posted, I think every girl deserves more. Stop comparing your life to your friend and go after what you want.
Don’t expect your Fiance to change and someday become the romantic guy that your friend has. If you don’t like the way your Fiance treats you now, find someone better.
Post # 7
I agree with the PPs. Besides to stop comparing your lives, I think you need to rethink you fiance of choice! I’m sorry but if you would like someone to treat you like gold with flowers and all the romance, then you DESERVE to find someone like that. Getting married isnt going to istantly change your Fiance into this romantic guy that your friend has.
Its hard to think like that, but you need to. I was with a great guy for 3 years, except he never would put me first on his priorities. I finally felt I was worth more than being 3 on his list (I came in right behing the dog) and called it quits. Not a year later I started dating my current Fiance and have been treated like gold ever since! In fact, I have not ever had a moment where I didn’t have fresh flowers in my house since May 2010 (when we started dating). You deserve flowers and romance and all that you want.
Post # 8
I agree with KatyElle it less about her and more about issues with your relationship don’t settle for less then you deserve
Post # 9
@imsolost: you know what i’m going to say, stop comparing. it’s not your friend’s life that you envy, it’s your own life that you dislike. only you can change that. it sounds like you expect more from your fi. if you are not getting from him what you want and deserve, then he is not the one for you. you will be constantly wanting something he can not give you (ie. romance). people don’t change so don’t expect him to. if you love him, these things really won’t matter so accept him for who he is, accept what you have or start fresh with someone who will give you all of the things that you are looking for.
Post # 10
Everyone feels jealousy and compares themselves to others. We’re women…we’re competitive.
At the end of the day, if YOU’RE happy- that’s what matters. If you wake up and fall asleep happy, then you have it made.
Also, try and remember that there are women out there who are envious of you! You’ve found love and you’re getting married! So many women are single and looking for their life partner. You’ve made it that far!
Post # 11
When I have envy I remember that everyone has problems. If you are not satisfied with your life than this envy is good- because sometimes that can be the motivation to change it! Make goals for yourself and move forward one step at a time toward them. No matter what, the grass will always seem greener. You have to appreciate what you have or you won’t be happy. If your situation (including your SO) need some improvements, take small steps toward them. Communicate your needs to your SO. Make a goal and attain it- even if it is going for a walk once a week (if not everyday), starting an exercise routine, finishing a class, finding a better job, fixing your broken ___. Whatever it is.
I have seen people suffer because they *think* another’s life is better- that is always somewhat of an illusion. You have the power to make your life improve and to be satisfied. Work on the life and mate you have or you may end up chasing after something in life that can only be found by doing this.
Post # 12
You dont know what happens behind close doors. They could be horrible fighters, having money issues, dealing with Mother-In-Law issues, etc. As much as I love my friends, I dont tell them all the bad. They see the facade and what little I give them. Your friend may be the same.
Also, I agree with the PPs. There are some major red flags and some built up resentment. How soon after your friend did you get engaged? Did you put pressure on your Fiance to do it?
Post # 13
I think you sound very unhappy. Her happiness is just a reminder of how unhapy you are because you have to remind yourself that this isn’t the life you want. I think you need to take a step back and really analyze whether or not you can be happy with your fiance. You sound very disappointed in him.
Post # 14
I live by the Maya Angelou quote, “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
I’m not saying this to be snarky, I mean it. I spent 20 years in a brutal, abusive (emotionally) marriage to an alcoholic that blamed everything wrong in the world and our lives on me. I was over 100 lbs overweight (started out as post-baby weight, turned into my defense mechanism I guess).
One day after a particularly brutal night of enduring his nasty drunken tirade, I woke up and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Suddenly it was like a light switch went off, I thought, “why are you DOING THIS TO YOURSELF? you never have to endure this again”. And even though we were on vacation in VT and only halfway through the week, I told him, “I want a divorce, we are leaving”, packed up and went home. I stayed the course on separation and divorce, started a diet and exercise plan and got healthier, dropped weight (over 90 lbs) and got fitter, and re-started my life.
Six months into my divorce, I reconnected with an old college crush/friend on Facebook that I’d lost touch with for 22 years…we have been inseparable ever since our first “grown up date” and will marry in August. It should have been him all along, he is absolutely my perfect match. If I didn’t decide to change my life, I shudder to think what I would be missing out on now.
I am not preaching or lecturing and definitely not judging–just saying I’ve been in a really hard place that seemed like everything was miserable and hopeless–and turned my life around 100%. If I can change all that, ANYONE can–and you can! Decide what you want to make yourself happy (unfortunately that may involve changing your relationship which takes a lot of work, or moving on–I am in no position to give advice on what to choose) and GO FOR IT! Make a plan and start today. I wish all the best for you to change your life into the one you always wanted, and the one you deserve. xoxo
Post # 15
As longhis you are happy, that’s what matters. But it does sound like you kind of resent your fiancé for a few things. Sit down and think about what you really want and try not to compare to your friend.
Post # 16
I agree with the PP’s. I think everyone wishes that their FH or Darling Husband did something or was more like someone else’s in certain ways, EVERYONE has things they are strong at and not strong at. And we all have envy, but it sounds like you feel stuck and like LIFE is passing you by, not your best friend. You really need to put your OWN life in perspective and think about why you feel passed by instead of looking at her life. And based on only the few things you listed above, I think its pretty obvious why you feel that way.