Post # 1
There’s a man I love with all my heart, I absolutely adore him, respect him and cherish him. I left my favorite job and the only family member I had nearby (I only have a sister in this country) to be with that man, I moved a 1000 miles away from all that, and I have been living with him ever since. I take care of his laundry, I cook him his favorite dishes, we go on adventures together, and we have a budget together.
All I want is to commit myself to that man forever. I don’t need a crazy ring, I’m fine with having a court house wedding.
It was our anniversary a few days ago, and I was hoping for a proposal, as my love once told me if he were to propose, I would never know and it was going to be a surprise. No signs of proposals, except for him being extra affectionate and talking about being married somewhat soon, and I still had hope in me… until the very first night of our anniversary trip when he told me about his conversation with his uncle (aka the only relative he is in contact with). I don’t think the uncle when knows his long we had been together for, so to him it’s like we’ve only been dating for about 4 months. This ja their conversation:
Uncle: You’re not proposing though, are you?
My dear boyfriend: No, that’s crazy things you’re saying
It hurt. It sounded like I was not worthy of a proposal. He gets to enjoy all the great things that come with living together, but a proposal is a “crazy thing”?! Moreover, what did he think a girl would hope for during an anniversary trip, if not a ring? Why say it to my face like that?
I did not say anything that night. Now I feel like I need to know how much longer he wants me to wait, but I am scared to start this conversation. What are your thoughts?
Post # 2
pkpkpk : I don’t understand why he would tell you about the conversation with his uncle? And how long have you been together?
I get that some guys like the proposal to be a total surprise, my husband was the same way and totally threw me off in order to make it a surprise- but I wasn’t agonizing over a proposal so it worked in our situation.
So he needs to get over the surprise element, and you two need to talk about this and discuss a timeline of when you will be getting engaged and married.
Post # 3
Well, how long have you been together? How old are you guys?
I’m more concerned that you seemed to throw away your own life to make this guy happy.
Post # 4
pkpkpk : My thoughts are if he is close enough to his uncle to discuss his relationship with you, why does his uncle not know how long you’ve been together?
Also, does your boyfriend know you were expecting a proposal on your “anniversary” trip? The way you worded your post, you commented your love once told you it would be a surprise. How long ago did he “once” tell you that?
And unless the Bees on this board know your boyfriend personally, they can’t ask your boyfriend these questions for you. You wash this man’s underwear, Bee. Certainly you can have the discussion.
Post # 5
So how long have you actually been together?
Also it sounds like you need a life outside this guy, do you work?
“ I take care of his laundry, I cook him his favorite dishes, we go on adventures together, and we have a budget together.“ Only one of those things is a fun coupley activity, the rest is just being a housekeeper.
Is this a first anniversary? If so I don’t think it’s as normal to wish for a ring as you are telling yourself. Even if it is 2 years it sounds like you had a lot of long distance.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry bee! But MAYBE, BIG MAYBE, he wants you to stop thinking about it so the proposal is a surprise. I really hope it is that. I don’t see a reason why he would mention that to you if it wasnt for that.
Did he notice that you were sad after what he said? Did he say anything about your lack of response to that?
Post # 7
“I take care of his laundry, I cook him his favorite dishes”
I’m sorry but that’s just sad. Stop playing 1950’s housewife and take controle: have an honest conversation, figure our what you both want, and take care of your own life.
As for the uncle conversation, it’s borderline disrespectful in my book.
Post # 8
pkpkpk : how long have you been together? A year?
Seems like he was under his uncles pressure to say ‘no’ (even though thats never cool, to devalue your relationship with him), OR he was telling you to give you a hint of what he does feel.
Try having that conversation with him. Exactly what you posted here. Let him know you feel. Make sure he gives a clear response so you know where you should go from there.
Best of luck, bee!
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
You better stop being SCARED of starting this conversation with him, because you will never know. How long have you two lived together?
Post # 10
How old are we?
I’m in my mid twenties and he is almost 30.
I work 2 jobs apart from being a “housekeeper”.
Yes, it was our first anniversary. I wouldn’t have hoped for anything, but he was the one who kept talking about marriage, so naturally I started daydreaming. I’m not a strong woman like you girls are… I was not expecting anything, but my hopes were up.
And honestly, I would not have been nearly as upset if he hadn’t mentioned that conversation with his uncle.
They are close, and as to why he did not tell him about me earlier – I do not have an answer for that question either. He told me he did not want him to think of me as “just a passerby” by telling him about me too early into our relationship, but when I was introduced to him, however, the amount of time we had been together for was never mentioned
Post # 11
Proposals are rarely a surprise. The fact is they’re not supposed to be. “It has to be a surprise” is just a convenient excuse for a delay. It was your choice to follow him all this way. I wouldn’t have done it without a ring. Tell him you need to talk about getting married and listen to what he’s saying – or not saying. If he’s not in board with marriage in the near future, move out of the apartment and let him hire a maid.
Post # 12
Relationship goals are supposed to be part of an ongoing dialogue between loving adult partners. Engagement and marriage are shared goals, why is it so many Bees are so scared to even mention these things? Aren’t these the guys to whom you want to pledge your entire future? Can they not be trusted with your real feelings?
OP, your bf being the one to bring up marriage early on has no meaning. Lots of guys do this during their early infatuation phase. It’s wise not to take them too seriously.
The only way you can get any resolution is to have an open, honest, adult conversation with your bf.
Post # 13
pkpkpk : You know, I feel like a lot of the older generation will seem younger people and think that their marriages will fail because theirs did. I see that a lot.
Dont let their bad omen and experiences dictate what you guys should do, and make sure you let that be known to your boyfriend.
Post # 14
First of all, you need to just talk to him directly about this. You can decide together that you want to be engaged, and then he can still propose in a “surprise”-like manner sometime later. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact I’d bet that’s how it goes down for MOST couples in the 21st century – at least that is how it was for my husband and I (we got engaged shortly after the 1 yr mark).
Second, the way you talk about doing his laundry, moving for him, etc. etc. as though in all this you’ve “earned” the right to be his wife – is really off-putting and not a healthy attitude. I can’t tell if you’ve adopted this toxic mindset on your own or if your bf has put it into your head that you need to be on your best behavior for him to “award” you with a ring, but either way, nip that shit in the bud. Because it’s a two-way street. You’re acting like you have to do all this stuff to be worthy of being his wife…but what about him? What does he need to do to be worthy of YOU?
Finally, I’m wondering if he mentioned the convo with his uncle as a way of testing your reaction? Maybe he is ready to take the relationship to the next level and this was his inept, round-about way of gauging whether you too are ready. Or maybe he’s just an ass. It’s impossible for us to know.
Which brings me back to point one: TALK TO HIM.
Post # 15
Also: “I’m not a strong woman like you girls are”
Nah…we are just random internet people hiding behind screens…none of us are living your life. If you really love this guy and want to get engaged, then you’re going to have to buck up and have a direct convo with him to find out if your goals align. Doing so is intimidating for sure because you’re making yourself vulnerable. I had crazy sweaty palms and wanted to hurl from anxiety when I first broached this subject with dh. BUT…having the convo certainly doesn’t take super-human strength. You can do this!!