Ladies, I need advice! I'm so upset

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

pkpkpk :  I don’t understand why he would tell you about the conversation with his uncle? And how long have you been together?

I get that some guys like the proposal to be a total surprise, my husband was the same way and totally threw me off in order to make it a surprise- but I wasn’t agonizing over a proposal so it worked in our situation.

So he needs to get over the surprise element, and you two need to talk about this and discuss a timeline of when you will be getting engaged and married.

Post # 3
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Well, how long have you been together? How old are you guys?

I’m more concerned that you seemed to throw away your own life to make this guy happy.

Post # 4
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

pkpkpk :  My thoughts are if he is close enough to his uncle to discuss his relationship with you, why does his uncle not know how long you’ve been together? 

Also, does your boyfriend know you were expecting a proposal on your “anniversary” trip? The way you worded your post, you commented your love once told you it would be a surprise. How long ago did he “once” tell you that? 

And unless the Bees on this board know your boyfriend personally, they can’t ask your boyfriend these questions for you. You wash this man’s underwear, Bee. Certainly you can have the discussion. 

Post # 5
Member
5722 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

So how long have you actually been together?

Also it sounds like you need a life outside this guy, do you work? 

 I take care of his laundry, I cook him his favorite dishes, we go on adventures together, and we have a budget together.“ Only one of those things is a fun coupley activity, the rest is just being a housekeeper. 

Is this a first anniversary? If so I don’t think it’s as normal to wish for a ring as you are telling yourself. Even if it is 2 years it sounds like you had a lot of long distance. 

Post # 6
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m so sorry bee! But MAYBE, BIG MAYBE, he wants you to stop thinking about it so the proposal is a surprise. I really hope it is that. I don’t see a reason why he would mention that to you if it wasnt for that. 

Did he notice that you were sad after what he said? Did he say anything about your lack of response to that?

Post # 7
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

 

“I take care of his laundry, I cook him his favorite dishes”

I’m sorry but that’s just sad. Stop playing 1950’s housewife and take controle: have an honest conversation, figure our what you both want, and take care of your own life.

As for the uncle conversation, it’s borderline disrespectful in my book.

Post # 8
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

pkpkpk :  how long have you been together? A year? 

Seems like he was under his uncles pressure to say ‘no’ (even though thats never cool, to devalue your relationship with him), OR he was telling you to give you a hint of what he does feel.

Try having that conversation with him. Exactly what you posted here. Let him know you feel. Make sure he gives a clear response so you know where you should go from there. 

 

Best of luck, bee!

Post # 9
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You better stop being SCARED of starting this conversation with him, because you will never know. How long have you two lived together? 

Post # 11
Member
4205 posts
Honey bee

Proposals are rarely a surprise. The fact is they’re not supposed to be. “It has to be a surprise” is just a convenient excuse for a delay. It was your choice to follow him all this way. I wouldn’t have done it without a ring. Tell him you need to talk about getting married and listen to what he’s saying – or not saying. If he’s not in board with marriage in the near future, move out of the apartment and let him hire a maid. 

Post # 12
Member
10857 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Relationship goals are supposed to be part of an ongoing dialogue between loving adult partners. Engagement and marriage are shared goals, why is it so many Bees are so scared to even mention these things?  Aren’t these the guys to whom you want to pledge your entire future? Can they not be trusted with your real feelings?

OP, your bf being the one to bring up marriage early on has no meaning.  Lots of guys do this during their early infatuation phase. It’s wise not to take them too seriously.

The only way you can get any resolution is to have an open, honest, adult conversation with your bf.

Post # 13
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

pkpkpk :  You know, I feel like a lot of the older generation will seem younger people and think that their marriages will fail because theirs did. I see that a lot. 

Dont let their bad omen and experiences dictate what you guys should do, and make sure you let that be known to your boyfriend.

Post # 14
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First of all, you need to just talk to him directly about this. You can decide together that you want to be engaged, and then he can still propose in a “surprise”-like manner sometime later. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact I’d bet that’s how it goes down for MOST couples in the 21st century – at least that is how it was for my husband and I (we got engaged shortly after the 1 yr mark).

Second, the way you talk about doing his laundry, moving for him, etc. etc. as though in all this you’ve “earned” the right to be his wife – is really off-putting and not a healthy attitude. I can’t tell if you’ve adopted this toxic mindset on your own or if your bf has put it into your head that you need to be on your best behavior for him to “award” you with a ring, but either way, nip that shit in the bud. Because it’s a two-way street. You’re acting like you have to do all this stuff to be worthy of being his wife…but what about him? What does he need to do to be worthy of YOU? 

Finally, I’m wondering if he mentioned the convo with his uncle as a way of testing your reaction? Maybe he is ready to take the relationship to the next level and this was his inept, round-about way of gauging whether you too are ready. Or maybe he’s just an ass. It’s impossible for us to know.

Which brings me back to point one: TALK TO HIM.

Post # 15
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Also: “I’m not a strong woman like you girls are”

Nah…we are just random internet people hiding behind screens…none of us are living your life. If you really love this guy and want to get engaged, then you’re going to have to buck up and have a direct convo with him to find out if your goals align. Doing so is intimidating for sure because you’re making yourself vulnerable. I had crazy sweaty palms and wanted to hurl from anxiety when I first broached this subject with dh. BUT…having the convo certainly doesn’t take super-human strength. You can do this!!

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