(Closed) ladies I REALLY need your help. *guys too!!!!* brokenhearted

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t know if I’ll get flamed for this reply but here goes…

We tell women on here all the time that they are with emotionally abusive men. The opposite is happening here. YOU are the emotional abuser. Whether this is natural or because you are anxious or depressed, I do not know. But whatever the reason, you need to get yourself to therapy and work on this issue and why you lash out at others when you are frustrated. From the way that you describe your behavior, I do not blame him for leaving and would not advise him to go back to you. But I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your future relationships is go to therapy and work on your self-esteem and anger issues.

Post # 4
Member
3775 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@distracts:  I tend to agree that this is emotional abuse.  I think she does really love him and her best chance is to say she will change and take proactive steps to actually change.  Don’t expect things to change quickly, or possibly ever.

Post # 6
Member
7719 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t have any specific answers, but I’ve got so speak up and say I disagree with PPs that OP is guilty of emotional abuse. Did you PPs miss the bit about Fiance having inappropriate and secret conversations with his ex? For me this is the big thing. He’s hard to trust because he’s been untrustworthy. Honestly, if it was me, I’d find it hard to stay in a relationship after that.

Perhaps Darling Husband and I are less independent than most, but I can’t think of a time where Darling Husband has been 4 hours late without trying to contact me. OP’s Fiance should have been apologetic, not defensive. The way Fiance flipped out is really suspicious. I don’t know the answer. ((hugs))

Post # 8
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You need to put your health first.  And being with this man is making your condition worse.  You – for a good reason – don’t trust him, and that makes you have anxiety attacks where you lash out at him.  You’ve explained in your post that you’ve tried to let it go, but just can’t.  

My advice is to stay away from him, get on the proper medication, and see if you can get some individual therapy to examine why you can’t move on or let go.  For some people, when the trust has been broken, it can’t be restored.  

Honestly, I know from personal experience that you really do have to put your health first. 

Post # 9
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hi OP 🙂 I’ve been through similar chronic illnesses and know how easy it is to behave badly (in a way that you would never expect yourself to) when you’re feeling like that. I’ve also been similarly lucky to have an understanding and supportive partner, though I have to say he would never have done the ex thing. In this situation, I would ask to meet him for a no-holds-barred honest talk. I’d try to choose somewhere neutral, like a bench or something where you don’t have to look at each other (somehow this helps!) and don’t involve anyone else. Explain why you were upset, because that’s very understandable, but also apologise for how things worked out. Tell him what you’ve told us about how you feel. How he responds (could be either way) will help you to know what the next step is.

Post # 10
Member
8485 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Baal:  

+1

Post # 11
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am sorry but I would have to agree with PP that say that you are emotionally abusing your SO.

Yes I understand that he has been having inappropriate conversations with his ex-girlfriend but I don’t think that validates the way that she freaks out on him all the time.  If she just said I saw these converstations and freaked out on him then it wouldn’t be a problem.  But it seems that she freaks out on him all the time over MANY different things even when it doesn’t really have anything to do with him.

She also stated that she has high anxiety and low self esteem.  Which will cause her to lash out more.  I agree that you need to go get help.  If you really want your SO back then you need to show him that you are trying to change.  Go to therapy and then at some point bring up the converstaion that your ex had with his ex girlfriend and then if your SO is willing to work things out have him come to your therapy session to work out that trust issue.

I would say that the non-trust is an issue but I don’t think that it is the underlying cause and that is what you really have to work on right now.  You need to get to the root of the problem and you need help to do it.

I wish you the best of luck! (HUGS)

Post # 12
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I don’t really see OP as being abusive.  

I’m also going to go against the grain and say I think you had every right to be upset that he didn’t call like he said he would and he came home later than expected and didn’t tell you.  My Fiance and I have a rule that if we are going to be more than 30 minutes late we let each other know – that’s because I’m a huge worrier and would assume something bad happened (irrational I know but it’s part of my personality).  

I do think you clearly have issues with pushing him away and trust and anxiety, and you need to address those before you can be in a healthy, functional relationship.  I’m not sure if you guys can work it out or not (you need to come to that together) but either way you should get help for those issues. 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It’s an awful situation, but it will ultimately be for the best. This too shall pass! The worst is over now though, so now you just need to piece yourself back together and slowly begin to move on with your life.

Post # 14
Member
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@megjennings1788:  *HUGS*  I don’t have the answer you want.  In fact, I think you’re looking for an answer that isn’t there.  I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes when you hurt someone enough, there just is no going back.  I agree with other PPs, you need to take care of your physical health, your mental health, and then you’ll be able to find the perfect partner for you.  Best of luck and I hope your condition improves with proper medication.

Post # 15
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

He has, unfairly, been the punching bag of your anger.

If you can’t get over his secret conversations with his girlfriend, you should leave him.  However, it seems to me that you’ve been using that as an excuse to vent your frustrations on him.

He deserves some stability which means, in order to make this work, you need to reign in your mood swings. 

I understand!  I’m an emotional person and I tend to get really mad, very quickly, and it’s been a struggle with me to learn how to deal with those feelings in a relationship.  It’s a lot of walking away, writing down my feelings, and recentering myself before confronting him.  It means I’ve learned to present my emotions in the least accusatory was I can and being willing to take blame.

I do it because I love my fiance, and no one, including me, should treat him poorly.

You either need to forgive him and learn to manage your moods, or you need to let him go.  Learning to argue with your SO in a way that is both respectful and allows free dialog of feelings is important.  You need to figure out a way to vent and be angry without him taking the brunt of it.  Isn’t he worth it?

If you eventually want kids, you children learn conflict resolution from you.  In order to teach them, you need to start working on yourself now. 

EDIT: just to mention the 4 hours late thing: my Fiance is an avid golfer and there have been many MANY times that he’s been 4 or even 8 hours late.  He doesn’t even realize it until I give him a call and ask him if he’ll be home for dinner.  I joke that I’m a golf widow.

Did you make the effort to call him?  Or did you stay home watching the phone, getting more and more angry that he wasn’t coming home (speaking from experience here), until you blew up at him when he walked through the door?  I did the latter a couple of times before I realized that he never did it maliciously, and I would feel a million times better if I just called. 

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