(Closed) ladies I REALLY need your help. *guys too!!!!* brokenhearted

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@megjennings1788:  I know how you feel i have been there before myself.  If its about not trusting him i dont blame you.  but you can’t hold him to his one mistake forever.  People really are capable of change.  Also you really have to be conscious of what you are saying to people because i have done that before and it takes alot of work and self discipline.  Good Luck fellow Bee!

Post # 19
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@megjennings1788:  Recognizing that you need to change is step 1.

Now you have to have a real discussion with him about how to manage your anger and what acceptable outlets are.

I’ll go through how I manage my emotional outbursts. 

1. What can you say and what can you not take back?

We don’t name call.  I can say he’s acting “like a jerk.” or that something he did was hurtful.  However, I don’t call him a d*ck, an *sshole, etc.  Being in a relationship with someone means that you know how to make them happy and you know how to cut deep.  Don’t ever use something he told you in confidence against him and never say or do something maliciously.  In other words, if you know something is a sore spot for him, never mention it during a fight.  Keep it civil. 

Instead, concentrate on the actions that hurt you and why you are upset.  Always make sure you tell him how it can be fixed.

2. Recognize you are on the same side.

He loved you, which means he would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.  Sometimes he makes mistakes (he’s human) and sometimes he’s selfish.  But usually just telling him, “when you did this, it made me feel unappreciated/unsupported/neglected/etc” is enough. 

You should only fight with the idea that you are working towards the same goal. 

He made you feel neglected when he stayed late and failed to call.  You waited around for him to come home, and when he didn’t, you felt let down and embarrassed.  It was made worse by the fact that he acted like it was important to him to come back by a certain time.  You are upset because his actions made you feel like he was trying to appease you, and you aren’t actually a priority.

You need to communicate why you are mad in a way that he understands he hurt you without getting his defenses up,  Use a lot of “I feel,” “I thought,” “My reaction was” and follow it up with his actions, never his thoughts/motivations.  “When you didn’t come home, I felt like I wasn’t a priority,” rather than, “You don’t make me a priority.”

Then you need to explain what he can do to make it better and what you will both do differently next time.

“I am hurt and an appology would make me feel a lot better.  Additionally, next time, I’d really like to hear from you if you are running late, so please call.  I, meanwhile, will make more of an effort to try to get ahold of you when I start to get upset.  I apologize that I waited until you got home to talk to you because it made me more emotional than I otherwise would be.”

3.  Recognize your triggers.

When you start to get really mad, come up with some way to diffuse the situation.  I need to leave the room and cool down for a little bit.  Other couples take “time-outs” where they reaffirm their love for each other.  Whatever you need to do to avoid blowing up at him, do it.  Also translate it to him, “When I leave the room, I’m only doing it to calm down for a little bit.  Give me my space, and I’ll come back to talk more later.”

Give him a code word or a phrase to tell you that you need to take a step back and calm down when you are fighting.  Pick something that won’t make you mad, but will interrupt you enough that you can take a break.

If it’s something that you are really mad about, you will be mad an hour from now too.  If it’s something you are emotional about, you will probably get over it as soon as you calm down.

4.  Communicate effectively

If I write out what I want to say, I’m more likely to calm down, re-evaluate why I’m made, and communicate my actions/reactions without starting an argument.

It also gives him some time to think about what I’ve said, and come back to me with his thoughts on the subject.

Otherwise it devolves into me crying and unable to say a word between tears and him having no idea what the hell just happened ;-).

5. Figure out the real reason you are mad.

I’ll give an example:

A while back, my Fiance and I ran a race with some friends.  The race wasn’t timed (It was Color Me Rad, which is basically a paint fight 5K).  My Fiance usually ran races next to me, and told me this time that he wanted to stick next to me.

I begged them to pick a meeting point because the crowd was huge.  No one did, because they kept saying that it wasn’t timed, so we were sticking together.

Well, guess what.  3 minutes into the race everyone decided to run it for real, including my Fiance.  I was running with people who used to run track and have finished marathons.  I was dusted.  I lost everyone, and spent 2 hours searching for my friends and fiance.  When I finally found them, I burst into tears. 

When we got home, I WAS LIVID.

I cried, I yelled, and my Fiance used our code, “Let’s talk after you calm down.”

So I did.  Why was I so angry about a race?  I know I’m not a good runner.  I’ve been left in races before.  So why was I so angry about this one?

First reason: being ignored about the check point after the race.  But, everyone was aware of that when I started crying, and said that they messed up.  So why was I mad at FI??

His best friend has recently become single and was spending every waking moment with my Fiance.  I was getting frustrated because his friend was using my Fiance as a surrogate Girlfriend.  They were doing a lot of the same things he and his GF used to do, and I was starting to resent their relationship.  When he picked running with the friend over me during that untimed race, that was the feather that broke the camel’s back.

I came back to him, explaining that it wasn’t the race that I was really mad about.  It was the fact that I felt like I was constantly competing for his affection with his best friend.  I felt neglected, and I took it out on that one situation.

 

I hope these general guidelines help you manage your arguing style with your Fiance.  These worked wonders for me. 

Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@megjennings1788:  Well you should have a lot of respect for him wanting to stick through it with you, so did my Fiance and we have been together 9.5 years.  It takes patience and alot of work.  You just really have to become aware of what you are saying and definitely think before you speak.  You will have slip ups where you dont but you have to try your hardest for your mans sake and your sanity.  Trusty me girl it is worth it when you do.  You feel like a completely different person. 😀

Post # 22
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@megjennings1788: Honestly, I’m not sure that this CAN be fixed and I’m not sure that it SHOULD be, either.  This guy talks big, but if you really meant as much to him as he claimed, then WHY would he be having inappropriate conversations with another woman, and especially his EX of all people?  And why did he not call or text like he said he would and come home late when you’ve been ill?

I know that having a partner go to the hospital with you is a very powerful experience which can really endear someone to you because my husband (who was then just my boyfriend) took me to the hospital at least three times before we were married and stayed by my side the entire time which is something that no one had ever done for me before in my entire life. He stayed with me in the hospital when my own parents wouldn’t come.  He also stayed by my side when my beloved dog died even though we had only been dating for three months when that happened and I was a complete mess for months afterwards.  I didn’t expect him to stay with me in the hospital and did in fact try to convince him to leave me and go home, just like I offered to break up with him the night before I had to take my dog to the vet to be euthanized because I knew it was going to be a LONG time before I would ever be okay again and I didn’t expect him to stick around.  Like you, I tried to push him away, but he would only reply that he wasn’t going anywhere.  These things made me fall in love with him much faster than I probably would have under ordinary circumstances, but I can honestly say that I still would not have put up with inappropriate interactions between him and either one of his ex-girlfriends (or any other woman for that matter).  The fact that he stayed in spite of it all helped form a very strong bond between us, partially because I feel indebted to this man who supported me no matter what, but no matter how much loyalty you think you owe someone for their commitment to you, NEVER do you owe ANYONE so much that you should ever allow them to mistreat you!  “To thine own self be true.”  Always remember that your first loyalty is always to yourself!

I’m really sorry because I know that this is NOT what you wanted to hear, but if he only wants to fool around, I think you need to let him go.  There’s someone out there for everyone and this guy isn’t necessarily the one for you.  I could be wrong, though.  If nothing else, you need to have a good long hard look at this relationship, figure out what you did wrong, figure out what HE did wrong, and ask yourself whether or not these issues even CAN be changed before you determine whether or not they SHOULD be.  What would you have to do to make this relationship work?  What will he have to do?  And would you BOTH be willing? Would you both CONTINUE to work at it?  There are a lot of questions to be answered and a lot of things to consider here.  Best of luck to you.  My heart goes out to you.

Post # 25
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah I work with people who have been in abusive relationships… and I was surprised people think the OP is being abusive.  Abusive relationships happen when one person establishes and maintains power and control over their partner and believes they have the right to control them, often through fear and intimidation.

I don’t see the OP as trying to control her partner by making him afraid and/or intimidating him or that she sees herself as entitled to control him.  Abuse is a relationship where person routinely tries to control the other person.  To me, the OP sounds like she feels powerless and out of control.

Plus, he was having these commuincations with an ex and did not come clean about it.  Furthermore, he recently left her hanging for four hours and got defensive when she tried to talk to him about it…

I’m sorry OP, I don’t have much advice for you, but it sounds like you have enough going on so please don’t add being an abuser to the list!

 

 

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