(Closed) Ladies! I\'m leaving… Not you. Him. Walk date opinions…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Fuck a walk date. You’re already one foot out the door.. I’d just leave. Its smart you want some money behind you but, you don’t want to become complacent with him and poof another few years go by.

Post # 32
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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KC-2722:  THIS!  Go stay at a motel or with a friend. But get out

Post # 33
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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spillchops:  I think you need to be honest with him. If you have been having conversations with him but not sticking to your ultimatums and non-negotiables, then he has no real incentive to take you seriously. I think he’s just really set in his ways at this point, and you’ve gone along with it for so long that he just thinks its comfortable and he’s okay with where it is right now.

I think that when you are REALLY ready to walk, I would sit him down and tell him everything youre feeling and let him know that you tried discussing what you wanted for your life and relationship and that it really hasn’t gone anywhere. Maybe he’ll take it seriously or maybe he’ll let you go, but either way you are finally getting off that fence and it’ll be a step towards the future.

Post # 35
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee

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spillchops:  I’ve just read your update and he is what I would do given he has refused to break up with you before (BTW I have been there. I had someone who I let tag along and move back into my Mum’s with me and then when I eventually extricated myself used to come and cry in my front garden).

So, I would take a day off school / work when you know he won’t be home. On that day I would have a locksmith come around and change the locks and I would pack him a bag. I would book and pay for a nights accomodation at a nearby hotel for him. Then I would meet him out the front, calmly explain that we should part ways because of all the reasons we have discussed before. Explain the situation to him re: hotel. And ask him not to contact me except to arrange to get the rest of his stuff as I would be focussing on myself, as he should focus on himself. He’s 39 years old and a grown ass man. You shouldn’t be having to worry about what happens to him after you break up.

Post # 36
Hostess
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

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spillchops:  I have. I was with my SO for 4.5 years, we loved each other but we were never really on the same page about the future, ok well, that’s a lie, he said he wanted the same things as me at the start and then nothing ever came of anything. He knew I wanted to get married and have kids and he KNEW I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who didn’t want the same things, but he didn’t want to lose me so strung me along.

 

We even went engagement ring shopping. Nothing ever came of it, we lived together for about a year and a half and after another disappointing Christmas spent with his family like I was bascially treated as his wife, but still no ring in sight, I decided enough was enough. I asked him to go to his Mum’s for a few days as we needed so space, thinking it would either be make of break. We met up a few days later and I asked him what he really WANTED from life (i.e to get married or have a family, or not – that was cool too, I just wanted to know) and he told me that he just wanted to PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES?!!!? – pppft, get your shit and move the hell out – was my response. lol

 

We were so not on the same page, like I think we had been reading different books for a long time. So I asked him to leave. I have been living on my own for a year and a half now, killing myself working so hard to pay an insane amount of rent, but do you know what? I don’t regret it in the slightest.

 

He was never going to marry me or have kids with me. I know that now. But at least, being single, I have opened myself up and am now available for someone who does want the same things as me. I haven’t met him yet but I know he is out there.

 

Walking was the best decision I ever made. We loved each other but we just weren’t IN love. We are still friends and we are both happy that the other is happy. He has a new Girlfriend who just suits him better than I ever did. Best of luck to you.

Post # 37
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Beegritte:  perfect plan. Also OP, do not be held hostage by an ex. Call the police if he won’t leave. It’s your house!! He doesn’t get to stay by emotionally blackmailing you and refusing to leave. That is creepy, abusive and against the law! You tell him to leave, you give him a date to leave by and you tell him if he is not gone by then you will get the police to remove him forcibly.

Stop being ruled by a stroppy child. You don’t have to stay with someone against your will. You don’t have to live with some against your will.  You can say no,  enforce that no and make that man leave your house via the authorities if necessary. Know your rights,  be a grown up!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Yipeebee.
Post # 38
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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spillchops:  Chin up – you’ll be fine and will have a great future to look forward to! 🙂

Post # 39
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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Yipeebee:  +1 +1 +1

Post # 40
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yup, I think you are making the right decision! Compatibility within a marriage is about so much more than just loving somebody; you have to want the same kind of life and be on the same page. It sounds like he is not. 

After my first boyfriend and I broke up, he wanted me back and even talked about us getting engaged in the near future. I still loved him, but knew we would not be happy being married to one another, so I refused. It was incredibly hard. I knew I was doing the right thing but still cried over it for months. I missed him like crazy and when he’d call or text, I’d have to act like I was over it and didn’t care because I knew being with him was not the right decision. It took time, but I had some wonderful experiences with other people, learned about what I needed in a partner, and now many years later am married to somebody who I absolutely can see a happy and vibrant life with. Sometimes it’s about taking a leap of faith. 

Post # 41
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

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spillchops:  All I would add to the advice about changing the locks and removing his possessions is that you should really get the green light from an attorney before doing this. Landlord and tenancy laws can be complex and I hate to say it, but there may be a certain way you need to handle this in terms of procedurally “evicting” him from your property if he refuses to leave so that a vindictive ex can’t get YOU into legal trouble. I am not a lawyer, but I really encourage you to consult with one to discuss your rights and options and form a plan that will allow you to legally, respectfully, and FINALLY get this man moved out of your house so you can move on with your life and meet someone who wants to build a future with you. Good luck, bee! Be strong!

Post # 42
Member
11404 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly, I wouldn’t stay with him even if he changes his mind. He’s selfish and he treats your feelings like dirt. That won’t change. 

Tell Peter Pan to start looking for a flat, his roommate/buddy situation isn’t working out for you.

Post # 43
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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spillchops:  it took my fiancé almost 7 years to propose to me! Lived together most of those years. However we’re only 25 but I also got very impatient over the years watching everyone get engaged but us. You just need to sit him down and talk to him.

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