Post # 1
I need some advice on getting through trust issues.
My last SO cheated on me a couple of times (that I know of) and I was completely blindsided by it. I never would have expected it at the time. Later on, I found out he was untrustworthy about many things.
Because of this, I am trying to work through some trust issues with my current SO. He is such a good guy and deep down, I know he would never be unfaithful. Most of the time, I’m okay. But every once in awhile, there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head that pops up and tries to convice me otherwise.
For example .. out of the blue, I’ll think “Was he just being weird about his phone? Should I concerned?” or “Why is his phone on silent? What is he hiding?” or “What if he just keeps me around until he finds another girl?” or “Is he lying about where he is tonight?”
He really hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him .. I just imagine these things in my head and then get worked up over them.
I’ve done pretty well in tucking these concerns away and things are wonderful most of the time. But I feel like I won’t allow myself to trust him 100% and that those nagging feelings will always come back. I’m just afraid of being blindsided again.
Other ladies here, how did you get through similar trust issues? It’s not fair to my current SO and I don’t want to keep feeling like this.
Post # 3
I wish I had advice, but I feel like I’ve turned into a jealous troll the past few weeks.
It doesn’t help that I’m sitting at home all day while Fiance starts his grad program and meets new people every day. Nor does it help that one of the girls in his class thinks it’s appropriate to text him late night. He doesn’t respond, and i’m fully aware of it, and when I’m rational i don’t think he would ever cheat on me, but I am crazy jealous and insecure about it, and I never considered myself a jealous person before this.
(Sorry — I didn’t mean to make it about me, it just all spilled out).
Post # 4
My FH has similar trust issues for very understandable reasons. Logically, he trusts me. He knows I would never do anything to hurt him, but sometimes the irrational fear gets to him.
I think your best route is to talk to him. Does he know what your last SO did to you? When I understood why FH had trust problems, it helped me deal with them a lot easier. I know it’s not about me or anything I did or could’ve done. Be as open as possible about it. Let him know that it’s not his fault in any way. It may not take your fears away, but he should be understanding and willing to help you work through it.
Post # 5
@mepayne: He does know. I’ve talked to him about it. He has told me before he would never do anything like that to me and that I have no need to worry. Like I said ..deep down, I know he’s being honest but I won’t allow myself to believe him completely and fully.
I don’t want to keep bringing these issues up because I’m afraid it’ll just drive him away. So I ignore them much of the time.
Post # 6
I am sorry you are going through this. Trust issues are so difficult, and atleast for me, they have caused a lot of guilt, too. I feel guilty because I don’t think I have good reasons for not trusting him 100%.
I think the easiest thing to do is to go to counseling. Counseling just for yourself could be really helpful. Couples counseling could be too, but it sounds like right now these are feelings you mostly need to work on to feel better about yourself.
Post # 7
Hugs for you! Trust issues suck – for both parties. You definitely need to talk it out and make sure your SO understands where your feelings are coming from. In my experience, they do go away but it takes time.
Post # 8
I think to some degree, and especially for someone who has suffered from an untrustworthy partner in the past, your ‘thoughts’ are very normal. I believe it is human nature to over-analyze situations, or fear the worst. Case and point, he grabs his phone when he leaves a room, and you think ‘what is he hiding?’ when really…he was just grabbing his phone 🙂
I think it is important to vocalize your feelings/thoughts with your SO. If he does not know that you are having them due to your past, he will not know to take some strides to put you more at ease…NOT that he needs to walk on eggshells, but sometimes a reassuring word or two or five is always helpful 🙂
I also think it is important for you to remember in the times you feel a bit ‘crazy’ is that your current SO is not your ex, and he deserves to be trusted until HE shows otherwise, if that happens. I think if you keep telling yourself that, it will help bring you back to the present, without hindering on the past too too long!
Post # 9
@mollz0621: Just wanted to offer a big hug! First of all, don’t feel crazy or different because everyone goes through insecurities at times.
It’s normal to be “jealous” and possessive (to an extent) when we fall in love, it goes with the territory to feel protective of your precious loving bond.
Just don’t let it go into unhealthy territory. If you don’t have a reason to not trust him, then think of your trust as a beautiful gift you can give him.
When I’ve been insecure I have gone out of my way to say to my Fiance – “I want you to know I trust you deeply.” And he appreciates it very much. He said, “Thank you. I need your trust.”
Trust is a lovely gift. Think how wonderful it feels that he trusts you and realize that when we open ourselves up to the vulnerability of love it’s always a little scary. But it’s worth the risk. If you weren’t open and vulnerable you wouldn’t have the capacity for love. But, you do.
Things will get easier the longer you’re together, too, because you’ll get more evidence every day that he is a man worthy of your love and trust.
Post # 10
Ok, from someone who’s been there, it’s ok to have those thoughts, what is not ok is to make your SO pay for your problems when you go through the scary door of paranoia.
So, when it happens, and it does at the oddest of times, follow these simple steps.
1. Realize that this is YOU creating this feeling, not any actual, real misbehavior on his part.
2. Say something along the lines of this, to yourself, “He is not being weird about his phone, I am being weird about his phone, this is not him, it’s me and I am in control of how I feel.”
3. Affirm to yourself that you love your SO, you trust your SO and everyday in every way, your relationship only gets better.
4. If he asks what’s going on, cause you might look a little weird if he’s watching, just tell him your reminding yourself of something VERY important.
5. Repeat until the anxiety goes away. You are in control of these feelings, and just because you had the misfortune of getting tangled up with some philanderer does not mean it’s ok to make your current SO pay freight for his indescretions. Talking about it will only make this his problem and it truly is yours alone.
Stay calm and remember, you are in control of how you feel!
Post # 11
I agree with a lot of the PPs. I’ve had trust issues but I’ve learned not to let it get the best of me. And, I’ve learned not to discuss this jealousy with other people who are just as insecure. It makes it 10x worse. A lot of people try to put their insecurities on you and that’s not healthy.