- 5 years ago
Hello Bees…this is my first post, but I’ve been lurking the boards for quite a while now. What’s pushed me to finally post is the situation that I find myself in with my SO. I don’t really have any friends or family to turn to that I trust to keep this to themselves and provide support and/or helpful advice. So here I am. I apologize for the length, and if you make it through the whole thing, kudos to you.
My SO and I have been together for 5 years…kind of. During the last couple of months of our first year together, he began treating me with a sort of disdain. He would snap at me for the smallest things, would cruelly mock many of the things I liked (music, tv, hobbies, etc.), seemed constantly in a bad mood when I was around, and just made me feel like I was walking on eggshells all the time. But I put up with it, thinking things might get better (he was going through a tough time at school, so I attributed this behavior to stress).
Barely a month after our first year anniversary, he broke up with me, stating that he knew he had been treating me horribly and that he didn’t want to hurt me any more than he already had. I was devastated. But after trying to mourn the relationship as best as I could, I made an effort to move on.
Three months went by. One morning, I got a text from him – things did not work out the way he had planned with school, and he wasn’t accepted to any of the programs he had originally applied to. He was forced to choose from “bottom-tier” programs, and was accepted to one across the country. And so, he’d be leaving town in a couple of months. That text turned into a phone call, which turned into a face-to-face meeting, which turned into many subsequent get-togethers. He apologized for the way he had treated me, and said that he still cared about me immensely…and despite what had happened, I still loved him. So we decided to give it another go – albeit with him living thousands of miles away.
In the next two years, we only saw each other in person three times. But we talked almost every day. It was very difficult for me not to lose hope, especially given that many people around me saw this long-distance thing as a big mistake (I was in my mid-twenties, a “prime” age for dating, so a lot of people thought I was wasting my time and bypassing the opportunity to date other people).
Finally, after two years apart, we moved in together in a brand new city. He started working, and I went back to school. Even though I was happy that we were finally together, and loved him more than ever, the hurt from the first break-up never quite got patched up in my head. I constantly feared that it would happen again – so I began acting irrationally. For example, if things weren’t going well (i.e. we had a disagreement), I would insinuate that it might be time for me to move on. Basically, in my head, if a break-up was going to happen, I wasn’t going to be blindsided this time – I would be the first to do it. FYI, my parents did this to each other for YEARS (threatening to leave when things weren’t going well). So, I pretty much learned from the best.
This has happened numerous times since we began living together…and the last straw came this week. We were on vacation over Christmas, and after five years, I was really hoping for some sort of proposal – this did not happen. So I told him it was over (which I almost immediately regretted doing). He asked me to press pause, and that we’d deal with whatever we needed to deal with when we returned home.
Last night, he basically said that he had had enough. My almost monthly threats to leave had worn him down, and he no longer trusts me or feels secure in our relationship. He wants to try to build us back up, but says that in order to do this, I have to move out for 6 months. If after 6 months we don’t feel things are progressing, we should part ways permanently at that point.
I know that I am in the wrong in this situation. It breaks my heart to think of life without him…so this is our last ditch effort.
I’d appreciate any thoughts you gals might have on this situation…and I’d be happy to provide more details/context if needed.