Post # 1
I am 30 and not yet engaged. All of my friends are married. Many of them have been married for several years and have children. I’ve never been the one that had my whole dream wedding planned to a T, but I envisioned being excited to be married. Now that all of my friends have passed this stage and are moving into parenthood (something else I desperately want and am concerned about given my age, but that’s another board), I feel like the excitement to have a wedding has come and gone and I don’t even care about the party, I’m just ready to be married and start a family. Can anyone relate?
Post # 2
Why do you feel you need to have a wedding is the question? Marriage and wedding are two separate things.
Post # 3
Sure. I felt a bit weird about the wedding because I was one of the last of my friends to get married and I felt like they were no longer excited, and had other things going on. But I also know this, being on the other side. I have a few friends left who are still single. I know who they are. And I am SO committed and excited to show them that their stuff matters to me—- whether it is getting married or celebrating other life achievements (marriage isn’t the only big deal thing you can do with your life!) It was all in my head. I want to be there for them with bells on so they know that there is no age at which I get less excited about their life moments.
Post # 4
Is this a temporary feeling or something that you’ve been feelings strongly for a while?
It could be that you’re just getting too in your head now that engagement and a wedding seem to be on the horizon. It’s east to just happily fantasize about it all when it’s “in the future”, but when it’s an imminent reality, you suddenly have to start thinking about the logistics and planning, and for some people that brings on a lot of stress which can make you start questioning what you really want.
Ask yourself honestly what it is about being “the last one married” that bothers you? You deserve to have a nice wedding just like anyone else. The fact that yours is taking place later in life than theirs did is irrelevant. You don’t need to and should not base your decisions on anyone else’s timeline. You found your partner when you found them. There’s no rule that says everyone in a social circle needs to get married within x number of years or else don’t bother.
Hell, if it’s been that long since any of your friends have gotten married people are probably stoked about finally having another wedding to celebrate! Weddings and fun and a lot of times social groups go through these phases where it seems like there are three or four every year for a few years in a row and then suddenly the ride is over and it’s on to the next thing, so having the opportunity to celebrate another wedding long after the wedding fatigue of that period has worn off is more than welcome!
Post # 5
i worry being the last of my friends to get married they won’t put in the same level of effort they expected of me when i was in their weddings. personally i wouldn’t expect much from them, just that they would reciprocate a similar amount of what i did for them to some degree, but i often think about if they will be ‘over it’ becuase we are a little older now compared to the first wedding (5 years ago) and now some have kids, own houses and are just busier. I totally understand this as well, but it still makes me worry they won’t care as much.
Then again i have always just felt uncomfortable having people do things that are for me, or about me (i dont even think i want a bridal shower b.c i dont like attention, but who knows if ill change my mind down the road). I just hope when my time comes they’ll be excited for me and just do everything I did for theirs (all 3 of my close friends did comprable things for eachothers weddings i have been in so far).
At the same time though, i am excited to be the last one married. I know now i have 3 close people to ask for advice on vendors, what they would or wouldn’t do etc. and hopefully will have a great wedding based off their advice vs if i had just blindly planned a wedding without their input.
Post # 6
From just reading what you wrote, it seems like you’re a bit turned off from the whole idea as in you’ve been waiting and waiting and sort of gave up in a way which just makes you want to forget that and move onto something else (I could be wrong so I apologise if I am – I was in the same boat so just chucking out ideas as to why you might be feeling like this). It took literally a proposal in a hot air balloon right in front of me from strangers to realise how turned off I was from expecting a proposal because in my mind, it wasn’t going to happen for a looooong time and I got very, very annoyed (to say the least) after that, I kind of shut down and wasn’t excited anymore. So maybe it’s just because of your current situation? I honestly believe when you do get proposed to, the excitement will come back! I think it’s just a way for women (and men – can’t be sexist) to keep going. 🙂
Have you spoken to your SO about this?
Edit: P.s. don’t worry about children, they will come at the right time and don’t let your age make you feel anxious about it. remember Meghan Markle is almost 38 or 39 and she’s having her first child. (not saying wait until then but point is, you can be a fabulous mum at any age!)
Post # 7
personaperson : You sounf like a really great friend! I was single for many years before meeting my boyfriend and I spent alot of time investing in my education and career. I live in the deep south where, like it or not, getting married and having a baby defines your success as a woman. I’m proud of my academic accomplishments and career but around here, nothing compares to a shiny new ring or two pink lines haha. I love my boyfriend and I do think he’s the right one and do not wish I had married someone else just to “keep up” and be married, but I do feel a little sad that my group is now moving into the baby stage wihtout me and I fear that when the time comes, my wedding will be seen as a inconvience to everyone else’s growng family.
Post # 8
I think your feelings are understandable, but that doesn’t mean they are grounded in reality!
I got married at 31 (almost 32 )and was one of the last in my circle to do so. I had 4 best friends from college..two of whom had been married for years and already had small kids… but they were SO excited for me. They threw me an awesome bachelorette party and were pumped to be by my side as bridesmaids on my wedding day.
We have one more friend in our group that is still single at age 34, but if/when she does get married, I feel like we are all gonna be even that much more excited when her time comes.
I hope your friends surprise you and it will be the same for you. But even if it isn’t…bear in mind that your wedding, while a huge event, is one day of your life, and what you should be most excited about is sharing a life with your partner!
Post # 9
laurenp24 : You haven’t said how long you and your bf have been together, but my husband and I were almost the last of our friend group to get married after dating for 5 years. Frankly…it was awesome!
Since we had been to sooo many other weddings together, we got to see how different ideas/venues/etc. all worked and basically picked what we liked best from all of them and had the best (in our opinion) wedding possible! Plus, since we were older when we got married, we had more vacation time/disposable income to really have the wedding of our dreams (on a beach in Puerto Rico). It was small and wonderful. Only 28 people total in attendance. Wouldn’t change it for the world!
Everyone does things on their own timeline. Also, just throwing it out there, but 30 is not too old to have children. I didn’t have my son until I was 34 (almost 35). No need to start worrying about that yet.
Post # 10
mywondroussoul : Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I guess I should have included a few more details. I was single for most of my twenties, when my friends were getting engaged and married. I met my boyfirend a year ago and we have discussed marriage. He does want marriage but is not ready just yet, which I feel is very reasonable given the amount of time that we have been dating. He says within the year, which again, I think is a very reasonable timeline. I had become discouraged about dating and did feel for a while that I would never find someone but I don’t feel that way now. It’s been hard to be the only single one while everyone else celebrates marriage, and it feels that now that I’ve finally made it to the proverbial “relationship club”, everyone else is charging ahead to parenthood and I’m once again odd man out. It sounds petty and childish, but I guess I’m feeling left out a bit and worry that, while I spent so much of my twenties celebrating friends’ weddings, mine will be percieved as an inconvience now that everyone is planning and starting families.
Post # 11
llevinso : You bring up a very good upside to getting married later, which I have been thinking a bit about lately. A destination wedding sounds awesome.
Post # 12
Your friends with families probably will be busy, with more responsibilities and expenses than they had at one time. That doesn’t mean they care about you any less, or that your wedding is an inconvenience.
If you are talking optional pre-wedding events, you need to put what are meant to be minor occasions into perspective. They are not the measure of your friendship, your worth, or the excitement and love real friends will have for you on your wedding day. If your expectations do not match up to the reality of their current lives, that’s on you.
Post # 13
I was one of the first in my circle to get married (at age 27, but in my circle it’s more standard to get married in your early-mid 30s) and I think the reverse was true — that a lot of my friends weren’t as involved/excited because they couldn’t really relate to the experience.
Regardless of how excited anyone else is (which of course you can’t and shouldn’t try to control), the important thing is how you feel about your wedding. If you’re genuinely not excited for a wedding, you can always elope or do something really small and simple. I’ve never been a huge wedding person myself, and while my wedding was nice and I don’t regret spending the money, I think I’d have been just as happy with eloping and hiring a photographer to do some couple portraits.
Post # 14
laurenp24 : You are not yet engaged, but do you have a SO currently? If you do, do you guys talk about marriage in the near future?
Post # 15
laurenp24 : I get it I really do. I think now that I am 34 I have had to come to terms with the fact that most likely as the last cousin to get married I won’t have a ton of people at my wedding. I was there for all of their weddings over the years, but they now have families now and pregnancies and it does limit who can attend. I try to just accept and move on from things that I know won’t change but it does come and go the feelings of dissapointment.
I also think being 34 just in general makes me give less F’s about things which is helpful in this situation haha. My boyfriend is proposing soon and this is going to be his second marriage and so im also aware that it might be not as well attended on his side due to that fact as well. I think you just have to pick out what really means the most to you and make sure you give that to yourself.
For me, I really want to walk down an aisle with a wedding dress on and do vows infront of family and friends. I am willing to compromise on there “where” as i dont’ care if its outside or in a Church etc. But as big or as small as the wedding is, I know that I need to have that wedding dress, aisle, ceremony moment for myself so I don’t regret not doing that later on. Because it is tempting to want to just go down to the courthouse and do it so you can just move forward to babies etc. But for me at least that impulse is because im being impatient. I know I would regret that later on.
I think as crappy as it is, you need to accept what is and just make room for whatever it is that you need in your wedding experience to make you feel happy, and create memories and the rest can be whatever it ends up being and it will be ok. Quite honestly even the idea of wedding planning feels exhausting Lol. And at my age i don’t even want an engagement party, or a crazy bach party because im just past that stage in my life where that matters.
If anything think how freeing this is. Everyone else already had the big wedding, now you can have whatever kind of wedding you want. You can have a destination wedding with just immediate family, or a smaller ceremony somewhere that has a lot of meaning for you. Or during a time of year that isn’t ideal for guests but its what you want. There can be a lot of freedom in getting married last. YOu can see it as people not caring as much or you can see it as less judgement and opinions you have to deal with.
But I will say that I totally agree that it does suck big time that people who get married first tend to get the most out of people and then they don’t reciprocate because they now have families and are busy. I think that is a bunch of selfish bullshit, but me knowing they are assholes for that isn’t going to change them so I can only control myself and my experience. And its so much easier to let go of feeling like you NEED people there, and all that anger that they won’t be, and focus on what you can have instead.