Last minute – Can I come?!

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
719 posts
Busy bee

She honestly shouldn’t have put you in this position. She said she wasn’t coming and she should have sat with that decision. 

Post # 19
8012 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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gunnabamissus :  It sounds as if your mother guilted her into changing her mind?

Post # 20
7353 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gunnabamissus :  I don’t think you were wrong and I wouldn’t make the effort to accommodate her. It would be one thing if you hadn’t made multiple efforts to get a hold of her or if she hadn’t shared a story, months ago, about why she wouldn’t be able to attend. Five days before your wedding is bullshit and extremely inconsiderate. Sure, there are people who may not show up, but you don’t need to be figuring out last minute additions or going back and forth with her about whether or not she’d be okay with a spot at a table with FI’s side of the family. That’s the kind of stuff that makes weddings unnecessarily stressful for brides – a bunch of last minute changes and accommodations.

If she thought your wedding was that important, she had multiple opportunities to have told your mother, “I’m just devastated about what’s happening with John and my grandkids and I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I’m still so excited to celebrate with gunnabamissus and I might not be that perky, but I will be there if she has room.”

I agree with Daisy_Mae- your mother shouldn’t have said anything to her friend.

And I don’t think you need to waste any more of your energy or thought on this. Congratulations on your coming wedding! I hope all flows smoothly and beautifully and you’re feeling the beautiful love vibes for the entire day.

(Before my wedding, I saw where a bride talked about how fast the whole wedding day goes. She recommended pausing to take slow, deep breaths a various points throughout the day’s events, and I copied her and I’m so glad I did- I have so many beautiful memories of moments where I just paused and looked around and soaked in the fact that so many of the people we loved and who loved us and came to celebrate with us or sent us good wishes despite being unable to attend. It was wonderful, sweet and magical- so I hope you get to feel that for your wedding day- no more worries about this stuff!)

Post # 22
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It was rude of your mum to guilt trip her and I actually think it is flippant of you to say there is no legitimate concern. Clearly to this guest, her emotional distress is a legitimate concern and that should have been respected, rather than adding to her emotional distress through a guilt trip.

A guest can decide not to attend for whatever reason they like – it isn’t up to anyone else to judge if it is “legitimate” or not.

Post # 24
2454 posts
Buzzing bee

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gunnabamissus :  I don’t think you were wrong, but I would have tried to make more of an effort. I had to last minute add-ons because I didn’t account for things correctly (like our officiant) and our venue was super accommodating. 

She may have said she didn’t think she wmcoukd come because she was hoping her son would have his kids at this point and she might have needed to help him. I don’t think it has anything to do with the court dates. 

I do think your mother was really rude with what she said to her. People aren’t obligated to come into weddings and if she can’t make it then it’s not fair of your mother to try and make her feel bad about it. 

Post # 26
4414 posts
Honey bee

I think your answer was fine.  It’s the truth.



Post # 27
874 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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gunnabamissus :  “Her behavior through all of this has actually been quite rude.”

Then why are you so concerned about accommodating her? You said that your seating chart took 5 hours to complete with the help of others and you’re so exhausted by this [optional] huge undertaking, she’s rude and has no legitimate reason why she should have been upset (because it’s up to you to decide how she should feel about her personal life, after all), you don’t want to put her all alone at a table… obviously you don’t want to invite this person. What you DO want is for everyone here to agree with you not to invite her. So don’t invite her. She’s not missing out on anything if she doesn’t see you — the understanding person you are — get married. 

Post # 28
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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gunnabamissus :  This woman can’t win. You just said she was “an obligation invite” so you didn’t even want her there, but when she said she couldn’t come, instead of being relieved, you took offense and your mom interrogated her. And now you’re aggravated that she felt bad enough to make arrangements to try to come. It’s over, you said no, what is the point of dwelling on it? Also, handing her an invitatiaon at a family gathering and then expecting her to mail her RSVP is pretty cheeky.

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