Last Name Conundrum

posted 2 years ago in Traditions
  • poll: What last name did you pick?
    Took my husband's last name. : (81 votes)
    44 %
    Kept my own last name. : (54 votes)
    30 %
    Changed my last name but, my maiden name is now my middle name. : (36 votes)
    20 %
    Both changed our last names : (7 votes)
    4 %
    Something else. Describe below. : (5 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I took DH’s last name because my first name, middle name, and his last name sound very nice/a strong name. My maiden name was just fine, but the new last name just had a ring to it. Haha. Darling Husband didn’t care either way what I did, but I will admit that it will make it easier to decide the last name of any future kids.

    My sister kept her maiden name, but I’m not sure of the reasons. Her maiden name with her first name sounds better (in my opinion) than with her DH’s last name, but she also just isn’t very traditional, so I’m sure she felt no reason to change it “because of tradition’s sake.” 

    Post # 32
    Member
    391 posts
    Helper bee

    I kept my name.  In part, on principal, because it’s unfair to expect the woman to do something simple because it’s traditional, in part because I like my name and my family and don’t like my husband’s and he is not very close to his family.  He was not upset at all–we have a very egalitarian relationship.  Women is his family typically keep their last names, just adding their husband’s surname onto the end.  Because it is not heard of for a woman to keep her surname my family pressured me enough I offered to hyphnate my surname, if he hyphnated his, which he didn’t want to do because he didn’t care if we shared a name.  We are not having children, but if we were they would have my name for the family reasons.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1637 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m keeping mine on principle and because I’ve built a professional network based on my maiden name. I’ll let the kids take his. I knew plenty of kids growing up whose moms kept their maiden names. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    432 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m not changing my name and the reason is, because I just don’t feel like it. This is who I am and I’ve had this name for over 30 years. I think women are always pressured to give “reasons” for not changing their name after marriage but, for me, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t think women should have to justify this decision with appropriate reasons that society deems acceptable. My FI also likes my name the way it is and doesn’t want me to take his name either. He always says he wants to marry the woman he fell in love with, name and all. IF we do end up having a child (and that’s a HUGE IF), I’d like for them take his name because he actually had a good father who deserves to have his name passed on… my father was a real shit so, I find this decision more agreeable using that logic. 

    If you’re not having kids, and you’d like to keep your name, I’m not sure why your Fiance should care so much? If this were me, I’d need a little more convincing other than for the sake of “tradition”… remember, there’s a lot of history in that tradition and not all of it was good. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    1251 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    I’m keeping my last name. Taking his last name would make me feel too weird I think. It just wouldn’t feel like me. Also, my Fiance had the same reaction as yours when I asked if he would consider taking my name which kind of sealed my decision. Why should I change my name when I don’t want to when you wouldn’t do it for me?

    Post # 36
    Member
    1108 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I changed mine because I didn’t love my maiden name, which was two names, not hyphenated. It made forms and picking up prescriptions very complicated, and no one could pronounce one of the names correctly. Darling Husband never pressured me to change it but says he is honored that I did (well, I’m in the process now. Got my new social security card and just waiting on my new driver’s license to come in the mail so I can change it over at work and with my banks and such). 

    A lot of people were surprised that I chose to change my name, as I’m pretty outspokenly feminist. However, if I loved my maiden name I would have kept it and just dealt. I’m just not super attached to it. My parents are great, but I don’t associate the name with them so much that it feels bad to change it or anything. They aren’t offended (they gave me and my sister both their last names but each kept their own). And it’ll be nice for us to share the same last name as our future kids. DH’s last name is charming and sounds like a British castle. And I can adapt one of my maiden names to be a first name for a future child, if we have a son. 

    I will say, changing it is a real hassle. Sometimes there are fees involved. Lots of waiting at bureaucratic offices. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    273 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    There’s no option for husbands taking their wives last name! I hope that will become more popular. My Fiance is changing his last name (to my middle, because my last name rhymes with his), and my coworker said it would be “social suicide” for him… I think that mentality would go away if more people did untraditional things.

    Post # 38
    Member
    434 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I kept my name. We had a discussion about our future kids’ last names and decided that we would give them my husband’s last name with my last name as a second middle. Kiddo #1 is 16 months, and having different last names has not at all impacted feeling like a family unit. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    1072 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I’m taking his name. I’ll be glad to be rid of my father’s name, but even if that was not the case I would still take his name. If I had some sort of attachment to my father I might consider using that as a middle name. 

    I intentionally set up my professional life so that my first name has more emphasis than my last name. I understand that that is not possible in all professions, but it is in mine, so I did it with getting married in mind. At the same time, once we have kids I will stay home. 

    I guess it depends on how you look at marriage. I feel like I’m adding myself to him and we will be a new family. So his will be the name that is used. Based on the rolls we will have it makes sense. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    5884 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    It makes me so sad that so many people on here are saying “I changed my name so that I could have the same name as my kids.”  I just hate that this feels like our only option.  I mean, I get it, but I really hate it.

    I didn’t change my name b/c I didn’t want to.  I like my name a lot and I really dislike the symbolism of a woman taking a man’s name, so that sealed the deal.  Darling Husband wasn’t thrilled about it, but when I asked him if he wanted to change his name to mine he shut it down immedietly and quickly realized that it actually is kind of a big deal.  Hyphenating wasn’t a practical option for us since both of our names are long, and really, it’s much simpler to keep your own name.

    Post # 41
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2016 - Weston Hall

    I kept my name because I didn’t want to change it. My husband kept his name because he didn’t want to change it.

    When we first discussed it, years before we got married, he was a little upset by the idea. But then I asked him if he would change his name to mine and he started thinking about it a little more – he had never really known a woman to keep her name before. He decided that one of the reasons he liked me in the first place was how independent I am, and it wasn’t fair to expect me to be mostly super independent but then traditional in the specific areas he wanted. And that he’d rather have a happy wife than a Mrs Hislast.

    Post # 42
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2018

    I’m taking his name and just adding it on to mine. I already have an absurdly long name so I figure what’s a few more letters? When I get around to filing the paperwork, I’ll be Tealeaf Middle Maiden Last.

    Post # 43
    Member
    2469 posts
    Buzzing bee

    We’ll most likely both hyphenate.  However, we have different opinions on whose last name should be first… we each think the other’s last name sounds better first!

    Post # 44
    Member
    6560 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    When my dad married my mum, he suggested they take her four letter English name instead of his 12 letter German one, but she refused. Since the name never meant that much to my dad, it was more important to me for the family I created to share a name. Had we not intended to have children, I likely would have kept my name, as there isn’t as much confusion if there aren’t children involved, IMO.

    However, I do NOT feel that a child should automatically get a man’s name, so if I had not changed my name, there would have been a very long discussion about how we would name the children. And now that we do have children, I will never change my name again. Even if Darling Husband were to walk out on me tomorrow, I would continue to share a name with my children. I’d certainly never change it to another man’s name so that my children would be the odd ones out in a blended family. Sharing a name with my children is forever for me.

    Post # 45
    Member
    12327 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I took my husband’s mostly because I wanted the whole family to share the same last name. In this day and age I just consider it a practical and personal choice like any other, not a political one. I don’t have the need to associate it with the oppression of generations of women. 

    I kept my middle name. 

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