(Closed) Last name issue.

posted 4 years ago in Names
  • poll: What should I do?

    Change it

    Keep it

  • Post # 31
    Member
    8993 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    gwendolyn86:  ha! I love the idea of laying claim to the first names… I wonder if I can pull that one off 😛

    It’s not just names, we’re an interfaith marriage and I got (actually still get…) questions all.the.time. about why I didn’t convert. Guess how many times DH has been asked why he didn’t convert? Ugh. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    YOU are the person who has to be called by this name for the rest of your life, so do what YOU want. I’m changing my middle and maiden names when I get married and my family is going to have a fit over that, which is why they won’t know until it actually happens! Chances are that they’ll call me by whatever name they want to anyways, and so will your in-laws. Do what’s right for you, and ignore everyone else. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    10371 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Personally, I don’t think is something your H gets a say in because it’s not his name. His family will get over it.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1285 posts
    Bumble bee

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    FantasticFawn:  +1

    I have a strong opinion on this as well. I don’t care what others do, but as your Fiance said “HELL NO” is my exact stance on whether to change my last name, screw “tradition” and double standards. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    694 posts
    Busy bee

    I was in the same boat. Lots of my friends called me Firstname Lastname with my maiden name, and I wasn’t ready to give that up. DH said he wanted me to do what I wanted to do, but I know deep down he wanted me to change it even if he wouldn’t say it. Ultimately, I compromised and now I go by Firstname Maidenname Newlastname. Legally, my maiden name is my middle name. It’s still very weird in situations where I introduce myself as Firstname Newlastname. I haven’t been able to get past the weirdness, but we’ve only been married a few months.

    I did it because it’ll be easier when we have kids. I also did it because DH didn’t pressure me. I would have felt worse about it if he made me feel like I had to do it.

    On the same note, guys needs to recognize that it’s 2016, and a “hell no” response to whether he’d change his name is insensitive and mysogynistic. The fact that he cannot even fathom that this is a huge deal for you (you’re changing part of your identity!!!!!!) would annoy the fool out of me. Good luck to you.

     

    Post # 36
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    One thing you could consider is changing your middle name to your maiden name, so you would be “Peter Parker HisLastName”.  That way you keep your maiden name in your name and don’t have to hyphenate or do two last names

    Post # 37
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

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    liverightnow:  To me, the fact that your Fiance was so adament that he wouldn’t change his last name is all the more reason for you to keep yours. That shows how important it is to one’s identity. I am actually in the complete opposite situation! Growing up, I always assumed that I would not change my last name because my mom kept her maiden name. She is a writer and also her maiden name is much easier to spell. My dad’s (and my and my brother’s) last name is longer and harder to spell/pronounce. Even so, I consider it part of my identity, so I thought I would keep it. It was never an issue having a different last name from my mom. Anyway, a few months ago when my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I started talking about marriage, he said he really wanted us to have the same last name and he said that he would change his last name to mine! The fact that he would do that for me and the fact that his last name is shorter and easier to spell/pronounce made me decide that I will change my last name after all. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I say do what you want. If it’s that important to you, keep your last name.

    If you just like your last name with your first name, and it doesn’t bother you to take his last name, then I would drop your middle name and make your maiden name your middle name, as others have said.

    You can still use your maiden name professionally as well as on social media, if you do decide to change your last name.

    Personally I will be taking my FI’s last name, but I’ve never had a particular attachment to my last name and honestly would rather not have the name that I got from my father (not a good guy, to put it mildly, and totally out of my life). Plus, I think it makes it simpler if we do end up having kids (most likely will).

    If I was dead set on keeping my name, though, no amount of pressure from my FI’s family or his even my Fiance would get me to change my mind.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1859 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

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    liverightnow:  From your post, i agree that you should keep it.  But if you think you may change your mind, check the rules where you live.  After a certain point, you may have to pay and petition a judge to have it changed.

    Post # 41
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    Idk… Maybe I’m old school, but I voted to change it. If you have children, whose last name will they have? I personally took pride in taking my husband’s last name. It makes me feel like we are more of a family unit. But ultimately, it’s up to you.

    Post # 42
    Member
    747 posts
    Busy bee

    I plan on dropping my middle name and using my maiden name as my middle name.  Maybe you could do that?  Or just tack his on at the end of yours. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    272 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    liverightnow:  I’m in a similar situation. I always assumed I would change my name, but now that it’s time to actually think about that stuff, I don’t want to. Luckily my fiance is cool with it, but his family is very traditional and I’m certain will throw a fit when they find out. I look at it this way: I can always change my last name to his in the future, but I can’t really change it to his and then decide to change it back to mine later (unless we divorce or something). I mean, I could, but that would be really weird.

    I’d say you should talk to your fiance more seriously about it. When I first brought it up to mine he was kind of confused and about why I wouldn’t want to change it. When I asked him how he would feel about changing his last name to mine after we got married he said, “Oh, yeah, I guess I wouldn’t want to do that either. It’s been my name for 28 years.” Exactly. I think he probably still wishes a little bit that I were changing my name, but he understands that it’s not something that will make or break our marriage.

    Post # 44
    Member
    52 posts
    Worker bee

    Traditionally speaking, taking the grooms name meant that the bride – henceforth – legally belonged to the groom’s family as opposed to her own. Since that is no longer the case (she belongs to herself, while enjoying the company of both families, I should hope), I would find it extremely upsetting if my SO insisted that I change my name, while simultaneously answering “hell no” to the reverse solution.

    As for the problems arrising with future children, those are easily solved; there’s no reason your children can’t have both of your names. I share my mother’s last name and have my father’s last name as a middle name (the order in this case is based on aesthetics rather than gender; my mother’s last name simply can’t be a middle name (I won’t go into details, but as far as I know this is rarely an issue with names outside of Scandinavia?)). I am free to pass on whichever of the two names I choose to my hypothetical kids.

    My names are important to me; they are part of my identity, my culture and my history. I will never change them for anyone else. I will only change them for me, if that’s what makes me comfortable in the future.

    Post # 45
    Member
    391 posts
    Helper bee

    Do what you want.  I kept mine.  You could always keep your last name but socially go by his.

    The topic ‘Last name issue.’ is closed to new replies.

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