(Closed) Last night was horrible…what do I do? Family

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Mrs.MedinaJr:

I am so sorry that happened.  That is a tough situation.  I am glad that your uncle said that he wouldn’t allow your grandmother to get drunk like that at your wedding.  I don’t know if confronting her would ruin your relationship?

Post # 4
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this tough situation. Alcoholism is a disease, and a very tough one to beat. It takes its toll on not only your grandmother but everyone around her. Your wedding is your special day, a day when you shouldn’t have to worry about what your grandmother is going to say or do at your reception.

As far as the letter goes, I think you should tell her exactly what you just put here. Tell her love her, that you are worried about her, and that you don’t want to have her problem become the focus of your wedding day. I would make your love and appreciation a major focus. 

It’s great that her oldest son is willing to keep an eye on her that day. It honestly might be your only saving grace in this situation, unless you decide not to serve any alcohol at all at the reception. I went to a wedding a couple years ago where one of the groomsmen arrived totally high on cocaine… it was terrible. The bride and groom had suspected something might happen with this particular groomsman, so they had appointed a couple of other groomsmen to keep watch over him. When he began verbally abusing the caterers and tried to fight someone, they intervened and made him leave the wedding before it even began. If not for those guys watching him, he probably would have done something awful during the ceremony. If your uncle can keep a close eye on your grandmother, he might be able to stop her from getting drunk. Maybe he can bring her watered-down/mild drinks or just refuse to give her any if it gets to that point. I would also avoid putting any bottles of wine or champagne on the table so it’s not in her direct access at all times.

Best of luck, dear!

Post # 5
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would NOT write her a letter. When you write someone a letter and they are misperceiving something or getting increasingly upset, you have no idea and you can not redirect or approach in a different manner and what is said is said. I think you need to talk to her face to face. It will be harder, but a letter might blow up in your face with out you even seeing it coming, where as face to face, you will have a better idea of how the conversation is going. I would talk to her about it very practically and ASAP. Ask her if she remembered what she said and did. If she doesn’t briefly recap. I think you need to come from a “my feelings are hurt” place and not anything to do with her being an alcoholic. Tell her that it is SO important for her to be at your wedding, but your fear is that if she is drinking, everyone will not get to see why you love her so much and you don’t want her feel embarrassed. Tell her that you have dreamed of getting married and having her there and you feel so lucky, but you really need her to be sober on this night. If she gets upset or throws her nose in the air, be firm but with kind words. If she threatens not to come, tell her “you are coming, i know you would not miss my wedding. I also know that you would want to remember it, because you have done so much to help us out.” 

My grandmother was a raging alcoholic and would do the same thing. She would usually go after my quietest family members, the ones who wouldn’t put her in her place. Once we started doing that, she got better. It was so hard and she was angry at first, but then it got better. She got plastered at my cousins wedding and my uncle threw her in the car and took her home. The next day we told her that she was not going to be coming to anymore family functions if she was going to drink at them…she could drink the day before the day after or as soon as she walked in the door, but we were done making other people’s days about her. It was harsh, but it worked. No one invited her to said cousins baby shower and she was really upset and pouted for a couple of weeks, but when it was time for my nieces graduation party, she started saying as soon as we were planning it “well I better get ready for my sober night”. I don’t recommend you coming at her in this way because I don’t know her, but don’t tip toe and don’t worry about ruining your relationship, she is ruining your relationship. If she ruined your wedding, you would resent her forever. 

Post # 6
Member
14185 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you can only have faith that your uncle will keep a good eye on her. Mention it to the bartener so he can start cutting her drinks, too.

Post # 7
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m so sorry.  I know that you’re worried that confronting her will ruin your relationship…but I think her drinking problem is going to do that anyway unless you say something.  Alcoholism is a terribly destructive disease and it will destroy the person who has it and anyone close to them.  Please talk to her, and maybe include other members of your family in the talk–she needs your help.

Post # 8
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@diy84: said it perfectly.

i’m so sorry you have to deal with this. i know how hard it is. i hope everything works out okay.

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My Mother-In-Law is an alcoholic too, and we were worried about her drinking at the wedding. We had beer and wine only, and didn’t say anything to her about not letting her drink at the wedding (cuz hubs knew should would stash liquor in her purse). We found out that she had 2 beers before the ceremony started (which made me mad cuz the bar was not sposed to be open until the ceremony was over), so one of our groomsmen went up to the bartender and pointed her out and told him she was not allowed to drink anymore and if there was a problem to get one of us. Found out she flipped out on the bartender, and the same groomsman had to calm her down. My mom caught wind of it, and reamed her out and threatened to throw her out if she didn’t stop. Hubs also said something to her, and from what we know she did stop. Fast forward a couple of months after the wedding, we were about to move into our house, and she called him to bail her out of jail for fighting with her husband. He refused, and we haven’t spoken to her since (actually, hubs called her for 5 minutes on her bday to tell her happy bday. She cried and boohooed like she always does, and he told her until she can stop, we are done with her).  So basically, we haven’t spoken to her since May of last year, save for her bday.  We have no idea how she’s doing, and if she’s still drinking, but knowing her, she probably stilll is. The sad thing is, she doesn’t even know we no longer live where we used to and that we bought a house, cuz we live not to far from some bars and don’t want her showing up here.

My point is, sometimes you have to cut out the toxic people in your life if you have tried for years to get them help, and alls they do is make excuses and not want to help themselves. Until your grandmother wants to help herself, there is no way she is going to quit. 

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

There is a lot more back story to this, since she has been this way since hubs was a baby, but this is what has happened since our wedding.  PM if you need to talk…

Post # 11
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

have you even been to alanon? it is a program for anyone that has loved ones that are alcoholics.

i am an adult child of alcoholics and it really really helps me figure out what to do in tough situations and how to live your life without feeling like you are always walking on eggshells. i highly recommend it.

pm me if you want more info.

Post # 13
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Mrs.MedinaJr:

I was thinking that if you confronted her, then maybe she would decide to not attend your wedding. I don’t know about your budget and “the help” she has offered. How would it affect your wedding if she doesn’t help?  How would you feel if she held a grudge and decided to NOT attend your wedding? You say that when she is sober that you are close, are you willing to risk that? I guess I was looking at it from that point of view.  If you plan on writing or talking to her, I guess I just wanted to warn you to be ready for negative consequences.  Also, if you say something do you think that it will change things in a positive way?  Do you think she will get help then?   Just sayin’ 

Post # 15
Member
17 posts
Newbee

This is one of the reasons people elope.

You should make it very clear that she can’t have ANY alcohol at your wedding, not just that she won’t get drunk, etc. If I was in your situation I might really  have already cut her out of the wedding, so you’re being very generous whatever you do. Focus on how much you love her…and remember at all time that it is not your fault if she can’t control herself.

Post # 16
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

al anon offers support groups for family dealing with a loved one’s with addiction.  It might be helpful for a group of you from your family to go at some point.  They often have a lot of advice on dealing with what you soon discover are not problems unique to your family. 

It has been very helpful for some of my friends who really got validation on what they were going through, and helped them see their loved one as suffering from an illness with guidance from those who had been there.  

Just a suggestion, but they might be able to help you figure out how the family can broach the subject with your grandma, who you obviously love dearly.   It might give you the resources you need to handle her response to the letter, since many addicts lash out or try to excuse their behavior rather than admit that they have a problem.

Good luck, and I hope for your sake and her’s that you are able to take the first step with her.

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