(Closed) Last to marry and friends not excited…

posted 6 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 3
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry you’re feeling this way.  It sucks to feel like your friends don’t care about you.  But, I really think the best thing is just try to let this go.  Unfortunately, your friends are under no obligation to be excited for you.  And all the people who are leaving early from the rehearsal, or missing the rehearsal, or whatever it is, have valid reasons.  I also don’t think a rehearsal dinner should be a requirement when they’re already being asked to devote the wedding day.

Post # 4
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I understand how you feel.  3 people in my family have recently announced they are pregnant and my future sister-in-law just had a baby a few months ago.  2 of them are missing the wedding because of the pregnancy 🙁  I am very excited for them, but I feel like I can’t talk to them about my wedding excitement, alterations appointments etc because now they view those things as frivolous.  Not to mention my Fiance and I are planning to start trying soon after the wedding, but all of the recent announcements I think may take away from everyone’s excitement for us when that time comes too!  I know life isn’t a race, but sometimes it’s nice to get to do something first!  For what it’s worth, congrats on your upcoming wedding, I think it’s wonderful!!!    

Post # 5
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Unfortunately, no one is gonna to be as truly interested in the details of your day except you and your Fiance.  You also have to realize, that by being “late bloomers” so to speak, everyone in your lives have bigger priorities and committments, such as children, who will always come first and always should. It sucks that you don’t feel you have anyone getting truly excited for your 2, but just try to be happy enough for yourselves. With today’s divorce rate statistics, many people don’t bother getting excited for weddings anymore, especially if in your circle many “are onto their second marriage”.

Post # 6
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  I don’t have any real advice.  Just maybe focus on the people that are excited for you and remember the point of everything is that you’re getting married!  That will happen with or without your friends.

Post # 7
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m really sorry that you feel like they aren’t quite so excited as you were during their weddings.  My guess is that they are very happy that you’re in love and getting married–they just can’t do the same stuff they would have before kids and whatnot.  Despite being limited in their time and having (legitimate) obligations to attend to outside your wedding, are they still letting you talk about the wedding? Still planning to be there for you at the ceremony and dance at the reception?

I guess I’m wondering exactly what it is you would like them to do that would make you feel better? Some of the scheduling things really can’t be changed (esp. with kids), but you can ask them to listen for a bit when you talk about weddings, or ask their opinions on things, etc.

Post # 8
2351 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

im sorry for how u feel! i can kind of relate, being as that even the flakiest and squirrely ppl i know have somehow managed to get married before me, and by now, ppl r just like great, another wedding. the flip side of that is that u r the first to get engaged and then all ur friends get engaged within a few months of ur engagement and steal ur thunder and then its hard to feel like anyone else cares about u because theyre so wrapped up in their own planning. just try to enjoy ur own engagement and planning, and maybe pick a date that is not surrounded by anybody else’s dates, birthdays, holidays or the like. that way it can be a special thing all by itself (not that it is not already a special and beautiful thing).

Post # 9
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The way you feel about your BM/GM I felt about my own mother. It sucks, but just start trying to talk to them more and getting them on board with wedding stuff. My mom finally came around! Congrats and good luck!

Post # 10
99 posts
Worker bee

@Sunshine09:  I completely understand your frustration and disappointment.  It’s not fair, but it’s more of a reflection of lives being in different phases, not a reflection on you and your fiance – that’s an important distinction.  As we grow older, our lives grow more complex, whether it involves more family obligations or golf/social events (yes, everyone prioritizes differently!)…and sadly, the excitement of weddings changes (though I look at every wedding as a reunion of family and/or friends!).  I can relate to being the last of friends to marry, and I have served a role in many of my friends’ weddings, whether it was bridesmaid, reader, greeter, planner, or florist.  For every single friend, I traveled long distance for their weddings, plus showers and bachelorette parties – and I’m grateful for all of those happy memories.  I know they would do the same for me if all things were equal…but they are not since the majority of my friends are well into the parenting phase now (most married in their late 20’s/early 30’s – some just remarried).  As a result, I accept that our lives are very different than when we were single or married/pre-kids and we can’t expect the same from one another – just because they can’t make your wedding, doesn’t mean they can’t be supportive to you in other ways (especially unforeseen challenges that may come down the road – think ‘in sickness and in health.’)  For that reason, I am planning a family only wedding, then I will invite my friends to visit another time so I will be able to enjoy my time with them (and their families) more than I could during a wedding weekend.  I understand the cost and logistics of traveling with a family is much different than traveling solo or as a couple, so I believe the best present they could give me is their full presence at a time when we can really enjoy a good visit.  That’s my solution…hope that helps bring a little perspective and sunshine(09) for you. SmileCelebrate the fact that you’ve reached this milestone and be happy for those who will be there to share your special day with you.  

Post # 11
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry your friends are being so lame. I was the last in my group of friends to get married, and they were fantastic. They were so happy for me. Were they under any obligation? Of course not. But why have “friends” if they can’t or won’t understand that this a wonderful, exciting time for you? That doesn’t mean they should care about your wedding as much as you do (because as people love to point out, no one will), but they should be happy for you and demonstrate it by doing simple things like staying for the entire rehearsal.

My hope for you is that they are truly happy for you, and they just aren’t telling/showing you.

Post # 12
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way-I almost think I’d feel the reverse way, if it were the last of my friends I think I’d be extra excited and go above and beyond as the last hoorah of close friend weddings. I’m in a similar boat as you, except that I’m the first of all family and friends and immediately after one of my best friends and cousins got engaged…and I think there’s a sense of jealousy among friends who have commented “I knew you’d be first”…and I feel like there’s push back from those who aren’t all in because they’re not happy themselves. People will always find a way to be negative, but I’ve just been trying to focus on how excited Fiance and I are, you should try the same 🙂

Post # 13
263 posts
Helper bee

I’m afraid I’m going to get the same reaction! I’m 31 and all my friends already have “wedding burnout” I think – literally dozens of weddings over several years already. Luckily, I hope I have you guys to share all the excitement with! I honestly don’t care if my wedding is a small one – I know the important people will be there and it will be a fantastic party.

Post # 14
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This sucks and I’m very sorry you are going through this! (((Hugs))) The flash mob thing is lame. Personally I’d tell him this is once in a lifetime for you and flash mobs can be many times in a lifetime. Please try to be there for you the WHOLE time. grrr. Especially if you were in his wedding, he should attend the whole dinner.

I get the baby shower though. If you were having the baby shower you would want your friend there- so she is trying to be a friend to everyone- thats hard and I’m sure she would want to stay for the whole event if she could.

As far as children go- could you possibly offer to provide child care the day of the wedding for the groomsmen and bridesmaids’ children? That way maybe things will go easier for everyone involved and they can maybe commit more devoted time to being there for you.

More (((hugs))

Post # 15
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am sad to say that I would be one of those friends.  I’m wedding-ed out. The year we got married we had 10 weddings, including our own.  All were out of town except for our own.  Anyway, that said, I would NEVER allow any of my non married friends to know that and I would NEVER put a damper on their day or wedding events because of that.  Additionally, even though I say this, I still do enjoy reading posts here.  I’m really sorry that you are experiencing this.  Just because your friends have moved on from weddings doesn’t mean that they should celebrate any less for your time or place other things higher priority status that never would have been placed there in years past.

I think that it would be worthwhile to sit down with your closest friends who are displaying this attitude on an individual basis, perhaps over lunch, and just mention that you know they are “wedding-ed out” so to speak, but it would mean so much to you if they celebrated as if you were getting married 5 or xx years ago.  Asking them to do this without pointing out anything that might put them on the defensive might be a good way to for them to see that their behavior has hurt your feelings.  It’s possible that they don’t realize they are hurting your feelings by doing this because they are just so past it and as good friends.

All brides deserve to be celebrated and you are no exception!

Post # 16
31 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Sunshine09:  Wow…I have so many takes on this one. I’am 31, I was with someone for almost 9yrs before I met my fiancee whom I’ve been with for 3 years now. Everyone was expecting me to marry my previous boyfriend and I almost did when I was about 22 but I took a rain check and time kept rolling by and everyone kept asking about it and then as I hit my mid 20s they stopped asking about marriage and moved on to asking about kids.

You see I was and always have been gun shy and I’d all but break into a rash when anyone even mentioned marriage. Been proposed to 4 times and this is the only time I’ve taken someone up on their offer! About 5 mos ago I went to dinner with some highschool girlfriends, 3 had rings on their fingers and 4 of them had kids with only 2 of us out of 6 being without either (my other girlfriend was single) and I have to admit that I felt a little defensive about my status when they asked me about my personal life and a little out of sorts with the different phases everyone else was in and that they had more in common than me and my single friend….but they’re good friends and they just teased that it was only because I was so wily that I was difficult to catch. More or less it was just me feeling awkward so I can also see how you feel left behind as well (BTW I was not invited to any of their weddings) and I was adamant about holding out and standing my ground based on the fact that I was not ready yet.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know that Ive ever been big on weddings at any point in my life, though I’ve been invited to a handful and was in 2 of them, one of them just last year and I loved being in both and bent over backwards to make their day what they wanted it to be so on that account, I can appreciate your view about reciprocity 150%. I’m a stickler for returning effort and sentiment BUT I think I may not have had the same expectations as you so I’m not feeling like I’m relying on anyones presence or enthusiasm to be happy about my day (mind you I also hated big birthday parties and fusses of any kind that amounted to ‘events’, always thought it was ridiculous) and attending weddings was never my thing.

So now that its my turn, I want a wedding but I really only need my family to be there and I feel that I’am on the other side of the fence as you, that I’am close (and not so close) to people who would be outright offended if I DIDNT invite them to my wedding though I would not be offended or even disappointed if none of my friends showed up, save one. The pressure TO invite people is just now starting to feel like its snowballing into more worries about interpersonal tangles over whos gonna get along with whom and who should I invite before who and who needs to be told before whom….it drives me outta my tree BUT the flip side of that coin is that I wanted a beautiful dress and why pay big money for a dress no one is going to see riiight??….you see even as I complain about having to referee people, I still want to be noticed and have my day and after all, you need an audience to put on a show and thats just one of the more shallow aspects of a wedding but I say this in fun so I hope no one takes me too seriously because a wedding should be fun or why do it at all? That aside, I sincerely feel that my wedding to the love of my life is a private moment between he and I and the bottom line is that the ONLY person I need will be standing across from me that day and I’am just consumed by that feeling alone…

Its funny because when my fiancee went to ask for my hand (what a chivalrous fellow!) my father inquired if I might not consider by-passing all the drama and expense for a simple and private ceremony he said “why do you wanna do that to yourselves anyway??”….so I see and hear both sides of the situation and I hope you can look past all the expectations and disappointment as well because even though its nice to share that day with friends, you don’t need validation to be happy and if you think I don’t ‘get it’ beleive me, I do, I find myself conflicted and feeling contrary to my simple desire to be happy with just me and him at our wedding at LEAST twice a day.

We’ve discussed this aspect of the wedding as well and he’s said that hes totally fine with having just us at our wedding and being no less happy but my fiancee is QUITE the social butterfly and if it werent for the venue limiting us, I think he’d invite everyone and his 5th grade teacher (i’m not kidding!) and in his circle of friends (who are ALL late bloomers I guess, and all in their 30s) many of them have small kids under 7 and so do mine. A couple of his friends are pregnant or expecting and if that isnt enough, we’ve been invited to several weddings and have a handful more coming up….We try to be happy for them and its harder for me I think, not to feel some jealousy or irritation at not being given the same attention or having to feel like I should hold back making announcements especially when he runs off to celebrate their events instead of plan with me.

But when we made the choice to go ahead with a wedding, I told him that above all else, I dont want drama and I don’t want to feel disappointment, it defeats the purpose of doing this at all. I want to be happy with whatever I get and I don’t want anyone to make anything I do personal and in return I will try to do the same so when I’am alone with my fiancee or just by myself or even when I’am not so calm because I’ve hit a snag in my planning I try to keep sight of the simple thing that I told you: THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON AND THE BIGGEST FAN OF YOUR WEDDING WILL BE STANDING NEXT TO YOU THAT DAY. I’am FAR from being a hallmark sap or even appreciating, what I used to and still do in some ways think of as ‘foo foo stuff’, but this still chokes me up with emotion because when I envision our wedding day, I can really only see him in my minds eye anyway.

Try to remember, your friends are STILL your friends (however bad you might feel that their attitudes are towards your special day) and they probably still care about you even if they don’t show it the way you want them to so you should try to enjoy your day however it turns out. I will be endeavouring toward the same so you are not alone in this!

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