(Closed) "Late is a control thing." – a question.

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I hate lateness, but I can deal with habitual lateness in others (although IMO it is rude). What I really can’t handle is lateness in myself. I get nervous and angry if I’m ever running late. That absolutely is a control thing and is part of having OCD.

Post # 47
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

ScratchNSniff :  it depends. My mom is late a lot of times because she sometimes has no idea how long it will take her to get ready. Most of the time it’s not really on purpose. Though she also doesn’t seem to care if her being late will inconvenience anyone, she just thinks it’s not big deal. Another realative was running late to one of her kids weddings, and arrived late for a lot of the family pictures. That meant there was pictures of her and her kid, but there’s group shots she isn’t in because she just wasn’t there. She boo hooed about that forever, as if she wanted everyone to just wait for her and hold up everything until she got there. She did the same thing when I was a kid, she’d be off taking care of things like wrapping gifts at family parties, while everyone was waiting for her. Everyone standing around waiting to cut the cake. She made it very clear that no one had any right to be upset, that they should wait until she was ready. That is what I call a power trip. If anyone took a different opinon she’d cry and say things like ‘I just can’t to anything right can I?’ I’ve heard stories of people working on plays where some actors refuse to come down for warm ups, and don’t get into place until 3 minutes before curtain. Then get very upset that everyone didn’t wait to do warm ups and pull the curtain late.

Sometimes being late is just the way it goes, but I think some people do it as a control thing.

 

Post # 48
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I was raised to believe: 15 minutes early is on time, on time is late, and late is why did you even bother? I will say that I have learned this is a bit ‘harsh’….but I can’t help getting irrationally upset at lateness.

Darling Husband and I are friends with a couple that has such a big problem with lateness that if we want them to come over at 7pm, we say come over at 6pm…and it is a MIRACLE of they show up before 8pm!

My adult view on lateness is extenuating circumstances are forgivable, ‘fashionably late’ is a thing, but being two hours late regulary is just disrespectful!

Post # 49
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

For me, the rudeness comes from how late someone is. You’re 5-10 minutes late because you ran out the door later, traffic caught you up, parking, etc. For the most part, that’s fine and happens. When your are constantly 10 minutes late, though, we’re getting into some grey territory of managing time. 

But, many, MANY people my own age (late twenties) are insanely late to dinner/events without any type of apology. THAT is so beyond rude to me. I’m talking 15+ minutes without any type of warning. I’ve had a few “friends” (all of whom are now former friends as their overal personalities ended up being totally selfish and uncaring) who would text me at the time we agreed on for something to tell me they just left. So, I would arrive 5 minutes early or right on time, and be waiting for 30 minutes which I find completely unacceptable. When you get into this area, then I do see it being about respect-and control for some. You don’t respect me or think I’m important enough to warrant even a heads up BEFORE you’re running super late. 

Most of us are late at some point. If it’s because of a poor choice, just own it. If not (traffic, accident, meeting that ran late, etc.), give that person an actual heads up. 

Post # 50
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

misskate18 :  I HATE running late too. When it’s my fault, that’s one thing. I should have prepared better and feel guilty. When it’s a factor I can’t control (traffic/construction in particular), I get super anxious. My Darling Husband learned long ago to not make me late for stuff because I find it so rude. 

snowflake8 :  One of our best couple friends can be like this. They’re aware and working on it, but sometimes I just don’t get how they can’t get their adult selves ready and be there on time. 

Post # 51
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

KatiePi :  You and I are agreeing with each other all over this site 😛

Post # 52
Member
6537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree that chronic lateness is often a passive-aggressive thing. But even when it isn’t, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that if one is chronically late and doesn’t want to be, they simply need to allow more time to get there/get ready. It isn’t a puzzle that should take years to solve. 

My SIL is very much this way, and when we would have family gatherings at our home, they would ALWAYS be late. Like a PP mentioned, it would hold up the entire thing because family wanted to wait until everyone was present to eat. After the first few times, I started serving at the time we had all agreed to. When their family arrived, they had leftovers or were left eating in the kitchen while everyone else visited in the living room. They haven’t been late since. Once they figured out that they could not control the event by their arrival, they stopped.

But I was raised to believe that if a person isn’t 10 minutes early, they are late. Being late is disrespectful to the person waiting for you, and it is disrespectful to yourself and your reputation. I won’t tolerate it in others. If it is 15 minutes after we have agreed to meet and I have neither seen nor heard from you, I will leave. My time is as valuable as anyone else’s, and yours is not more important than mine. 

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