Post # 1
Hi fellow bees. I am new to this board, but really in need of some advice. I apologize in advance if this is long winded.
I’ve been in an on/off long distance relationship for 4 years. In 4 years, we broke up 6-8 times for various reasons (mostly infidelity on his part). We don’t have any children together, but he has a child from a previous marriage that I love and have become close to.
We’ve now have been in a long distance engagement for about 6 months. I said yes bcuz I do love him and after I did a lot of therapy we agreed to leave the past in the past and move forward.
Sadly, a few I weeks ago I found out that he cheated on me (heavy make out sessions) with a girl a few of months ago. He said he made a mistake and that he is really sorry, that he’ll never do it again….He said that he lost hope in believing that I was ever going to move there or trust him and that this led to him cheating. This is why I hadnt moved yet in the first place.
Round and round we’ve gone.
I said to him either you figure out why you cheat and try to really get to the root of the problem or I’m done. He says I have to move there so we can work on this together bcuz he can’t be in a LDR or LDE anymore..
I made a choice a long time ago to be in this relationship. I am aware that infidelity is not healthy, but I have been in individual therapy to figure out why I continue to stay. My therapist does not give advice, but asks me what I feel and what I want. Now I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him but when is this infidelity going to stop? Does anyone have any similar stories? Any good outcomes?
Post # 3
Unfortunately I think it’s best to move on….as hard as you try, that thought and how you felt when you found out will always be in the back of your mind and whenever you have a disagreement in the future it’ll bring itself up again 🙁
Post # 4
I understand how hard long distance relationships can be. I have been in a long distance relationship for 7 years and long distance engagement for 1 year (I’m moving overseas to be with him in 6 months, just going to tie up work committments then i’m off on my merry way).
We did long distance so i could work and study and earn and save which i now have done. I’m now financially prepared to move.
We had a cheating incident a few years ago and it was hard at the time but we moved past it. We were young when we were separated (19, when i moved away for study) and the incident happened when we were 23. We’re now 26.
I think this is something only you can decide for yourself. Long distance is hard. My only advice is that your fiance needs to stop putting himself in these situations. If he cares for you. It wil stop.
Post # 5
@gratefullypresent: I’ve been in an on/off long distance relationship for 4 years. In 4 years, we broke up 6-8 times for various reasons (mostly infidelity on his part)
I think he got about 4 – 6 too many chances already. When it happens that many times, I dont think it’s going to stop. He does not care about you or the relationship. He’s keeping your around because you take him back. When he finds someone else he does truely want to be with, he will be the one ending it if you don’t end it first.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
So he cheated on you this last time becuase he’s afraid you won’t trust him? I would move on…hugs!
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
How many times does he get to cheat on you before you decide it’s enough? At this point I would expect him to cheat and be surprised if he doesn’t. Leave this guy already. You already live apart so it should be as easy as a phone call to tell him to go F himself (or as may other women as he wants with your permission since he’s doing it now without your permission anyway.)
Your therapist can’t tell you to leave him, you need to figure that out for yourself. BY staying with this guy you are saying two things: 1) you don’t respect yourself enough to leave a guy that cheats on you repeatedly; and 2) he doesn’t respect you enough not to cheat on you with other women. Plus he knows you won’t leave him so where is the downside to him cheating?
I am telling you to break up with him. Then spend some time with your therapist (and without a boyfriend) learning how to love and respect yourself first and foremost. Once you learn that, then you can think about getting into a new relationship and by then you will have a better chance of finding a guy that respects you.
Post # 8
@gratefullypresent: Your therapist won’t give you advice on this situation? Weak. Whatever you are paying him or her…it’s way too much.
I’m going to give you advice and I’ll give it for free….Girl, you need to fire your therapist, kick this SOB to the curb and NEVER EVER EVER look back. Sorry, but I can’t think of a nicer way to tell you this.
The big love of your life is waiting out there for you….go find him. You will never regret it.
Post # 11
+100000. Sorry OP, but it’s true. By allowing this to go on you are showing that you have ZERO respect for yourself. So as far as he is concerned, he is not obligated to show you any respect either.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Yeah girl, I’m sorry but this guy sounds like he’s just not trustworthy at all. I know how hard long distance relationships can be and I am even down with granting a pass to a tiny bit of cheating, cause they are so hard. But he cheated on you 6-8 times, plus this newest time? I mean, what the fuck. That is just so blatantly wrong. It’d be one thing if you had an open relationship, but no, he’s just going out and getting some side booty when it’s way offlimits – time after time after time! Find someone who really respects you. I bet you’re awesome and it won’t be hard to do 🙂
Post # 13
@gratefullypresent: I love him but when is this infidelity going to stop?
The answer is: It doesn’t.
Habitual/Serial cheaters like this really don’t change. I wonder if infidelity is the reason his first marriage ended.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. But I really think you owe it to yourself to move on. :/
Post # 14
I work with a girl who moved 300 miles away from her family because her BF swore he would stop cheating on her and marry her if she moved in with him.
It’s been a year, he’s still sleeping with the girl next door, and now he’s saying he won’t marry her until she “gives him a baby”.
Just cut your losses and run!
Post # 15
@gratefullypresent: Leave him. I’m sorry to say that although you love him he doesn’t love you, otherwise he wouldn’t cheat multiple times. The cheating won’t stop. You owe it to yourself to shut him out of your life and move on.
Post # 16
You are staying because you think this is the best you’ll be able to get. Somewhere inside, you fear that if you dont stay with him, you will be alone forever. Being with a cheater who disrespects you (and blames you for his infidelity) is better than being alone. You kinda think he is right (it is all your fault) and you better just suck it up and take it.
You also think that love is enough to make a relationship work. Since you love him so much and you are at fault for being away (a guy can’t really be expected to stay faithful under those circumstances, is he?), your delusion mind thinks that you can fix this.
But guys like this will cheat whether or not you are there. Heavean forbid you move there and have a fight or cant have sex for health reasons. He will use those as excuses for why it’s not his fault he cheated. And now you ‘ve given up your life and wont have much of a social network, with a cheating SO in a new city. How trapped will you feel then?
I would work with your therapist and ask yourself why you think this is the best you deserve. Ask yourself what “fairy tale” you have told yourself that make you believe that this is true love. (For instance, the story that ran through my head was that if I loved him enough and showed him great I was and fulfilled his every need, my love would overcome all his bad boy behaviors. He would ‘grow up’ and realize just how amazing I was and would be forever grateful that I stayed so strong and didn’t walk away.) Ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if you break up with him.