LDR Advice

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

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sunset741 :  I did LDR (an ocean separated us) for two years before my partner and I closed the gap. We are nearing year 3 now, discussing marriage and starting a family within the very near future. 

Having a sure end date can be tricky, as things don’t always go to plan. We pushed ours back because I needed more time to get my ducks in a row. His refusal to discuss it with you is very alarming to me. My partner and I would talk about it a lot because we both wanted it so badly and we always had the same goal in mind. 

You mentioned he is highly committed to his job, but you also mention he will be the one to move to you. That’s also a bit alarming… Has he confirmed to you that he is willing to quit his job to eventually move to you? Does he have the option of relocating with his job?

My guy was willing to move to me if that’s what I wanted, but I chose to move to him because I’ve always dreamed of  living abroad and I was ready for that challenging adventure.

One thing that I always knew without a doubt is that my SO was ALL IN. We were both ready to jump in feet first. 

Post # 4
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Hi bee,

I was in a LDR for nearly 6 years before my husband and I closed the gap. It was HARD and I went through periods of time where I was just absolutely miserable. But we persisted and we made it through the time apart, and now my long distance boyfriend is my husband 🙂

I think the absolute key to LDRs is honest open communication. You need to always be on the same page as your SO. My now-husband and I were very clear on our timeline. I was in a medical residency program in a city across the county from where he worked for his state government. We talked about it AT LENGTH, a million times, and decided (eventually) that he would stay at his current job, and when my residency program ended (5.5 years later), I would try to find a permanent job in his town. If I couldn’t, then we would look for jobs together in the same town. We also planned to get married when I finished residency and we could live together because I refused to do a long distance marriage.

For a LDR to work, at least one person has to move. In my relationship, it was me. I found a job in his town, then I graduated, we got married, and I moved into his house with him. Now we’re actually in the process of buying a new house closer to my work. We knew our timeline and we stuck to it. We also were both clear on how serious we were from the very beginning. I don’t honestly see the point in continuing a LDR if you aren’t both certain that you are serious and planning on being together (eventually in the same place) for the long term. If he isn’t willing to have a concrete discussion about a timeline for closing the gap, then I would definitely consider moving on from this relationship.

Post # 6
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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sunset741 :  You’re not being whiny. You absolutely have the right to know where your relationship is headed, and in what timeframe it’s headed there. If he can’t understand that, it may be your sign that he isn’t the right guy for you.

Post # 7
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

He gave me a move date of his birthday, 4 days later he was here after he tied up loose ends. I had my doubts he’d make it, just for the mere fact that I’d had such bad luck in my prior relationship and a disaterous marriage. I let him know I wasn’t willing to wait forever. It took about 10 months for him to get here. 

Post # 8
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My husband and I were in an ldr for two years. (US and Japan) You absolutely need to know you’re both heading towards living together in the same place or it just won’t work. You both need to sit down together and talk about your timeline and if it doesn’t match up then you may need to go your separate ways.  Just because you “signed up” for being in an ldr doesn’t mean that it has to be forever.   My husband knew that he couldn’t be with me and teach in Japan indefinitely.   

Post # 9
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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sunset741 :  

We’re all focusing too much on what he says and scant attention to what he does.

There is nothing he’s doing that would suggest he is looking for ways to close the LDR gap.  Sorry, Bee. 

Post # 10
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

LDR for 2.5 years, he first moved away from our home base city to the other end of the country for 6 months and then moved to the other side of the Pacific ocean/planet for 2 years.  After 2 years, I moved to close the gap because if I hadn’t, it would have been another 2+ years before he could come back home. So, got myself into his program and I’m sticking with it. 

Was it my first choice? No. I’d given up on medicine a long time ago and was genuinely shocked I got in. But, eh…I love him more than enough to voluntarily leave my comfort zone, my family and my friends and just threw myself on a plane and went across the ocean to him. Why? Because I didn’t like the distance and between us, it was reasonably easier for me to move than him. AND unfortunately, in any LDR, someone HAS to move.

If he won’t/can’t reasonably move to you, what’s stopping you from moving to him? Is he worth moving for (to you)?Otherwise, sit down, plan out a timeline and then get a date set in stone where either he moves or you do or you both move on.

The thing is a lot of bees wlil focus on the man moving for the woman but hey, it’s the 21st century, you should be as committed to him as he is to you…and if someone HAS to move then it should be a decision based on who stands to lose less with the move…not him moving just because he’s the guy and has to “prove it”.

Post # 12
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

i can relate. we’ve been a part of the ldr too, even if it was not as long as yours, but we did have a stage where we felt sick and tired of everything since you can really do nothing when u missed him like crazy. but to be honest, it’s what will help you to get stronger. both of you need to have an open honest trasparent communication and be understandable to each other. don’t let your egos and ur boyfriend’s take control of your relationship. Good luck! really wish you the best and be strong!

Post # 13
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Honestly, I would end it. He keeps failing to live up to your original timeline, and when you try to hold him to it he blames you for issuing an ultimatum? Bye.

Post # 14
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I should add, I was also in a long-distance relationship with DH. When we started dating, we knew I would be moving across the country in a month’s time. He said he could follow me there within the year (about 11 months later), and he did. There doesn’t have to be anything complicated about making a plan and sticking to it.

Post # 15
Member
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I tried LDR twice:

1. Super big mistake. We took jobs right out of college, tried to date LDR and he was miserable with his new job. Why not move to where I was? “Ohhhh idk it’s too hard too much work I just got here blah blah blah.” I ended it on account of him not standing up for me when his parents said a lot of awful things about me. He would get jealous of the fun I was having and the other guy friends I made.

You miss out on a lot of relationship luxuries in an LDR, like the everyday stuff. Small fights became big points of resentment. Misery loves company and it enjoys the challenges of an LDR. Conflict and emotion are hard to gauge. If you’re putting more effort into keeping the peace than you are into enjoying your relationship, just walk out. 

2. This was one was more successful (FH), but I made a lot of sacrifices. Left a promising job on the east coast to work nights and weekends babysitting automation in the desert. Same state, still 2 hours drive. It took another year to get a better job in the same town. Girl I had to work! But it was worth it.

LDRs without clear communication and clear goals to move closer together are a miserable experience and a waste of time. If y’all can’t figure out how to make a reasonable timeline and work towards it, you need to walk out with your sanity in tact.

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