Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
I’m hoping I can get some advice from someone who has been there. I’ve been in a LDR since I met my bf. That’s been for 1.5 years. When we met it was ldr but at the 6 monthish mark he moved further away.
Things are pretty good. We get along very well and have the same goals in life on paper (although I do times wonder if he really wants what he says bc of his commitment to his job that sort of goes against this).
Anyways, my reason for posting is this. I am so honestly sick of being in a ldr. I have asked if a timeline of when this will end and he will move to me (he has said he would before bc I am unable to move to him) and I get a roundabout time period (ex next year, this winter, etc. it’s ever changing and no steps toward it are being taken) but nothing like by this date for sure. I feel like the time periods are just to make me quiet. He refuses to give me one and me asking has pushed him to become upset and refuse to discuss it. Ldr wasn’t supposed to be this long but it’s going to be at least one more year and I feel like next year it will be just another year more. I do want to be married and we’ve discussed it seriously and he likes to talk about it but no steps are taken toward it. I am ready to find someone truly committed to being married and he knows that. On one hand, I don’t want to end it with someone who i get along with and who is always there for me yet I am so tired of feeling sad and being alone. I just want someone to do normal couple things during the week besides every other weekend or month. Have any of you ever ended a relationship due to ldr (and almost a refusal to commit to an end date and refusal to commit to steps toward marriage)? Part of me feels guilty bc I did sign up for this in a way bc we started ldr. But I didn’t sign up for this length of time or this extent of distance.
Post # 2
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
sunset741 : I did LDR (an ocean separated us) for two years before my partner and I closed the gap. We are nearing year 3 now, discussing marriage and starting a family within the very near future.
Having a sure end date can be tricky, as things don’t always go to plan. We pushed ours back because I needed more time to get my ducks in a row. His refusal to discuss it with you is very alarming to me. My partner and I would talk about it a lot because we both wanted it so badly and we always had the same goal in mind.
You mentioned he is highly committed to his job, but you also mention he will be the one to move to you. That’s also a bit alarming… Has he confirmed to you that he is willing to quit his job to eventually move to you? Does he have the option of relocating with his job?
My guy was willing to move to me if that’s what I wanted, but I chose to move to him because I’ve always dreamed of living abroad and I was ready for that challenging adventure.
One thing that I always knew without a doubt is that my SO was ALL IN. We were both ready to jump in feet first.
Post # 3
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
istanbee : istanbee : thanks for the response. He does make a lot of effort to come see me or work it out for us to see each other. So I sometimes take that as commitment although it’s not satisfying my need for some end time. He tells me to be patient and by this date we will have a house. However, I will not move in without engagement and if we haven’t crossed that hurdle why say we will have a home in 6 months? Then when I bring it up he sometimes suggests that another year to “be sure” is best. Keep in mind when we began dating he said 1 year he would want to be engaged. So I’m just very confused and feeling strung along tbh. If you are sure on someone and bring up marriage as much as he does then you should just do it IMO
He relocates often with his job but it’s not often steady work with some people working from home if it’s available or having to find other employment in the mean time. Before he took this job he was looking at jobs near me. I was devastated when he took this position as we were moving toward what I thought was closing the gap.
Post # 4
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
Hi bee,
I was in a LDR for nearly 6 years before my husband and I closed the gap. It was HARD and I went through periods of time where I was just absolutely miserable. But we persisted and we made it through the time apart, and now my long distance boyfriend is my husband 🙂
I think the absolute key to LDRs is honest open communication. You need to always be on the same page as your SO. My now-husband and I were very clear on our timeline. I was in a medical residency program in a city across the county from where he worked for his state government. We talked about it AT LENGTH, a million times, and decided (eventually) that he would stay at his current job, and when my residency program ended (5.5 years later), I would try to find a permanent job in his town. If I couldn’t, then we would look for jobs together in the same town. We also planned to get married when I finished residency and we could live together because I refused to do a long distance marriage.
For a LDR to work, at least one person has to move. In my relationship, it was me. I found a job in his town, then I graduated, we got married, and I moved into his house with him. Now we’re actually in the process of buying a new house closer to my work. We knew our timeline and we stuck to it. We also were both clear on how serious we were from the very beginning. I don’t honestly see the point in continuing a LDR if you aren’t both certain that you are serious and planning on being together (eventually in the same place) for the long term. If he isn’t willing to have a concrete discussion about a timeline for closing the gap, then I would definitely consider moving on from this relationship.
Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
I will add I’ve been consistent with 2 or less years before at least a commitment. When I brought this up again our last discussion he said that’s an ultimatum and he doesn’t like those. Mind you I’ve said the entire time 2 years or less. Bc of the struggle with this distance and me being early 30s and not wanting to waste my time.
I am just really wondering if I am being a whiny girlfriend or if i am justified and missing warning signs. LDR is not the life I want and I never expected it to last this long. He can tell I’m becoming increasingly aggravated about our situation and I am starting to feel guilty and confused.
Post # 6
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
sunset741 : You’re not being whiny. You absolutely have the right to know where your relationship is headed, and in what timeframe it’s headed there. If he can’t understand that, it may be your sign that he isn’t the right guy for you.
Post # 7
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
He gave me a move date of his birthday, 4 days later he was here after he tied up loose ends. I had my doubts he’d make it, just for the mere fact that I’d had such bad luck in my prior relationship and a disaterous marriage. I let him know I wasn’t willing to wait forever. It took about 10 months for him to get here.
Post # 8
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
My husband and I were in an ldr for two years. (US and Japan) You absolutely need to know you’re both heading towards living together in the same place or it just won’t work. You both need to sit down together and talk about your timeline and if it doesn’t match up then you may need to go your separate ways. Just because you “signed up” for being in an ldr doesn’t mean that it has to be forever. My husband knew that he couldn’t be with me and teach in Japan indefinitely.
Post # 9
Member
11014 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
sunset741 :
We’re all focusing too much on what he says and scant attention to what he does.
There is nothing he’s doing that would suggest he is looking for ways to close the LDR gap. Sorry, Bee.
Post # 10
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
LDR for 2.5 years, he first moved away from our home base city to the other end of the country for 6 months and then moved to the other side of the Pacific ocean/planet for 2 years. After 2 years, I moved to close the gap because if I hadn’t, it would have been another 2+ years before he could come back home. So, got myself into his program and I’m sticking with it.
Was it my first choice? No. I’d given up on medicine a long time ago and was genuinely shocked I got in. But, eh…I love him more than enough to voluntarily leave my comfort zone, my family and my friends and just threw myself on a plane and went across the ocean to him. Why? Because I didn’t like the distance and between us, it was reasonably easier for me to move than him. AND unfortunately, in any LDR, someone HAS to move.
If he won’t/can’t reasonably move to you, what’s stopping you from moving to him? Is he worth moving for (to you)?Otherwise, sit down, plan out a timeline and then get a date set in stone where either he moves or you do or you both move on.
The thing is a lot of bees wlil focus on the man moving for the woman but hey, it’s the 21st century, you should be as committed to him as he is to you…and if someone HAS to move then it should be a decision based on who stands to lose less with the move…not him moving just because he’s the guy and has to “prove it”.
Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. The favorite saying is “by this time next year “ which of course grows longer the further apart we discuss it and we are not all on the same page. He is fine with this and it’s toture to me. Thanks for the honest advice
Post # 12
Member
25 posts
Newbee
i can relate. we’ve been a part of the ldr too, even if it was not as long as yours, but we did have a stage where we felt sick and tired of everything since you can really do nothing when u missed him like crazy. but to be honest, it’s what will help you to get stronger. both of you need to have an open honest trasparent communication and be understandable to each other. don’t let your egos and ur boyfriend’s take control of your relationship. Good luck! really wish you the best and be strong!
Post # 13
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
Honestly, I would end it. He keeps failing to live up to your original timeline, and when you try to hold him to it he blames you for issuing an ultimatum? Bye.
Post # 14
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
I should add, I was also in a long-distance relationship with DH. When we started dating, we knew I would be moving across the country in a month’s time. He said he could follow me there within the year (about 11 months later), and he did. There doesn’t have to be anything complicated about making a plan and sticking to it.
Post # 15
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
I tried LDR twice:
1. Super big mistake. We took jobs right out of college, tried to date LDR and he was miserable with his new job. Why not move to where I was? “Ohhhh idk it’s too hard too much work I just got here blah blah blah.” I ended it on account of him not standing up for me when his parents said a lot of awful things about me. He would get jealous of the fun I was having and the other guy friends I made.
You miss out on a lot of relationship luxuries in an LDR, like the everyday stuff. Small fights became big points of resentment. Misery loves company and it enjoys the challenges of an LDR. Conflict and emotion are hard to gauge. If you’re putting more effort into keeping the peace than you are into enjoying your relationship, just walk out.
2. This was one was more successful (FH), but I made a lot of sacrifices. Left a promising job on the east coast to work nights and weekends babysitting automation in the desert. Same state, still 2 hours drive. It took another year to get a better job in the same town. Girl I had to work! But it was worth it.
LDRs without clear communication and clear goals to move closer together are a miserable experience and a waste of time. If y’all can’t figure out how to make a reasonable timeline and work towards it, you need to walk out with your sanity in tact.