(Closed) LDR advice needed – should I move?

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I think you should move! I moved from Boston to Dallas to be with my boyfriend and it was a great experience. (He is also a pilot). I ended up getting a job that I loved right away and my coworkers were the best. I admit that I had a tough time every now and then missing friends and family but I knew I could just hop on a plane and visit when I got really homesick. We lived there for a year and a half and he proposed while we were there. Now we live in Jersey. I LOVED Dallas and the experience of moving across the country to be somewhere new and together. Our relationship grew a lot and it was definitely an experience that I needed to have because I could see myself getting stuck in my comfort zone in Boston. So yeah, I say go for it! Message me if you have anymore questions about it. 🙂

Post # 2
1442 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m very vaguely in a similar boat with regard to the prospect of a big life change, though my Fiance and I live together and have done for almost 4 years. 

His PhD is ending in October and there is a huge possibility that he might get a job offer abroad. I’m terrified of the change; leaving friends, family, my job, my degree – it’s leaving behind everything I know. But I’m also excited at the idea of a new start in a new place. 

For me, it was a case of weighing up whether the new start was worth all the changes. I think you need to decide that too 🙂 

Post # 4
1305 posts
Bumble bee

Fiance and I did distance for three years.  It helps you grow in ways you never though possible!

OK, so I would only move if you have thought the following through

*If you want marriage with this man, have you discussed it?  Is he serious?  Is he willing to get engaged/married (or are you) before this move?

*Look for jobs before relocating.  You aren’t in a “rush” per se.  There are ways you can find a job before moving.  I would strongly suggest this since you aren’t married yet, and I imagine it is comforting to have health insurance.  Take your time to seriously start looking at jobs, even if it means transferring with a crappy company to get you out there.  There are tips to doing this (my Fiance did it moving from NY to FL), just be honest about your desire to permanently relocate, and that you are willing to make the move yourself.  Stating you are available to start within 2 weeks, a month, whatever it is can really help them see you are serious.  You don’t need to mention your boyfriend when interviewing (in fact, I wouldn’t), but there is nothing wrong with saying you are looking to move permanently, can move yourself quickly for the right company. 

*Make sure you like the area for your own reasons.  You said you did, so this is good.  Bad things happen.  People break up, people die.  Make sure you aren’t stuck somewhere because of him.  Go vacation out there for a few weeks if possible.  Drive around in the morning traffic.  

*If you want children with this man, are you OK with being the primary caregiver? A lot of people marry someone with this kind of schedule and then become angry when the family/home duties fall to them.  You can’t realistically expect him to change his career if you do have children, so this is a conversation you need to have beforehand.  Even if you don’t have kids, you need to decide if you want the lifestyle of having your husband gone for several days.  It personally would not bother me if I didn’t have kids, but if I did, I think it would.  It’s not like you could really travel with him either.

*LDR’s only work with an end in mind.  So you guys are doing the right thing by trying to come together.

FYI, I get engaged within 2 months of Fiance moving down here.  People thought it would be such a big freaking deal, but honestly we’ve been together over 4 years and it’s fine.  I still want to marry him.  Good luck to you!

Post # 5
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
ukitali:  I wouldn’t rush to move. You will be alone for long periods of time. Do you like Chicago?

Post # 7
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

In my experience and from what I’ve seen with my girlfriends- any time a man says “I don’t want you to ____ for just for me, ____ because you want to” has been a HUGE RED FLAG! Of course HE would be the reason you move, he just doesn’t want to feel guilty if it doesn’t work out. 

I’ve had quite a few friends move across country without an engagement ring and only once did it work out. Most of the stories however went more like: they ended up stranded there b/c they didn’t have the money to leave, they stayed in the abusive and loveless relationships longer than they ever would have normally b/c they wanted to make them work after giving so much up for the move, their pride kept them from asking family for help until they were completely desperate- they wasted a lot of time and money and their youth dealing with crap.

Did you say OAKLAND is where you’ll be settling? PLEASE google the hell out of Oakland and decide if that is the right city for you! Check out the employment section of craigslist and get an idea of the jobs available in your field. Also check out crime rates and sex offender maps- there are good areas and extremely bad areas, and if your man will be leaving you alone for days at a time you need to feel safe where you live.

Post # 8
1305 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
yupmarried:  I think telling someone they don’t want you to make a decision solely for them is actually pretty adult.  I think it depends on the context of the relationship, and it sounds like the OP is in a pretty healthy one. 

My ex before my Fiance used to use that line on me, whereas it was completely different when I told my Fiance he can’t move to FL just to be with me.  It has nothing to do with not having “guilt” if things don’t work out, and everything to do with the fact that you both need to be happy with where you are living, or else resentment will build.  Now, a follow up to the conversation (if OP and her boyfriend decide to stay together) needs to be the plan of what happens if one or both of them is very unhappy with the move, if it happens.  FI and I decided we would both give FL at least 6 months before deciding it wasn’t for us.  I had already been here a year, but Fiance had never lived anywhere else his entire life.  I said if he truly hated it, we didn’t have to stay and we would find something that worked for both of us.

I don’t think in this case it’s a red flag for her, but I do see where you were coming from.  I think this sort of line is used in that context in young relationships, unhealthy or abusive ones.

Post # 10
6902 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I would go ahead and move.  BUT I would not want to get engaged first – you see each other some but it’s not the same as seeing each other on a regular basis.  You need to ensure that you are really, truly compatible before getting engaged and, heaven forbid, having to tell everyone it fell through.  

Second – go ahead and line up a job before you get out there!  I’ve been around quite a few states and have been to only a few face-to-face interviews.  When I moved from VA to AZ, I did it over the phone, likewise with my first job in VA.  When you’re going long distances, companies understand that you are willing and planning to relocate and if they want you, they’ll do what they can get get you before you’re even there.  Heck, with things like facetime, you can probably do a face-to-face anyway.

Last, see if there are any fun groups you could join when you get where you’re going.  I don’t take my own advice or anything, but it’ll help you make new friends and start putting down roots, giving you something to do when he’s working away from home.

Good luck!  My LDR was something like 5 years before we moved to the same location. Just got married this year (four later)

Post # 11
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - Inn On Broadway

My boyfriend and I are 6 hours apart, he’s in Rochester, NY and I live in Brooklyn. We’ve been together almost a year and we’ve discussed moving in together and a possible timeline and agreed that I would move in which I’m really excited for plus I absolutely love his town! Everything is close by and it’s peaceful and beautiful- complete opposite from nyc. I’m gathering up my savings and I’ve been looking for jobs so far but majority of them are hiring local candidates only so I’m a little worried about that because I would have to move first then apply for jobs. 

Do what you feel is right. And good luck! I’ve learned that LDR’s are not for everyone but it’s worth it if two people are willing to make it work

Post # 12
23 posts

I’m in a LDR myself and I would say move only WHEN you have a job wherever you end up and be sure to be financially independant. Also, make sure that you will be happy there and not entirely dependent on your SO. Start networking, find out what’s there, cost of living etc. You will be much more happier and your relationship will have higher odds of surviving if you eliminate as much dependance as you can i.e. depending on him for $ or getting around; essentially elimintate anything that may make you feel resentment in a ”drastic change” situation out of fear. 

Post # 13
488 posts
Helper bee

Edited. This thread is old!! 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  panda87.
Post # 14
286 posts
Helper bee

I moved to a new state after being with my boyfriend for about a year.  Definitely find a job first before you move which is what I did.  You sound like you are used to being independent, and moving to someplace where you essentially only have your BF can be tricky if you arent working or don’t have resources to leave of things don’t work out.  I grew up in Cali and there are plenty of cities that you can choose to live in and commute to Oakland if it is not your cup of tea :). 


Im not going to lie, moving was VERY hard for me.  It took me a while to find some friends, and I hated my first job here, but I love my BF and it was worth the risk, but I still cannot imagine what it would have been like moving here without a job.  I would caution against that.

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