(Closed) LDR before & after marriage advice NEEDED

posted 10 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Personally, I think your health comes before anything else.

And I think you have to do what is best for you, whether it conflicts with your parents’ ideas about how your life should go or not.  You can talk to the them till the cows come home, but you can’t “make them” understand unless they want to.

I think it’s about you & your Fiance.  What works for you two is what’s right.  

Post # 4
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Miss Bumble: I’m so sorry your family isn’t understanding. Especially with the economic climate and your own medical issues, I can’t believe they don’t get it! My FH and I are LDR in different states and will be after marriage as well – Fall 2009 to probably Spring 2013 so I totally understand and empathize. Don’t move down there without a plan, is my only advice. As much as I’d love to drop everything and be with FH, I know it’s in our best interest to put up with being apart for a little while longer, and you can do it too! Keep going and if you ever want to talk or vent – feel free! My parents get it now (especially since we both have great jobs) but I have some aunts who think it’s the most ridiculous thing and completely out of the question. It runs you down (I can’t imagine how much worse it’d be if it were my parents) but you just have to stick to your resolve and remember that you two have a whole lifetime ahead of you to be together!

Post # 5
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly, this isn’t your parents’ decision, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to move just because they want you to – so it’ incredibly unfortunate that have to feel that pressure anyway, and that you can’t necessarily do anything about it.

Have you tried telling your parents something along the lines of, “FI and I have made this decision together, and we know how hard it will be. I understand that you’re concerned, and that you want what is best for us, but what is best for us is at our discretion to determine, not yours, and the best way you can help me right now is to be supportive of the decision that we have made, rather than criticising.” ?

It’s tough, but sometimes being direct and blunt can help them see where you’re coming from, you know?

Post # 6
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree, your health should be your number one priority. 

Saying that, you have to calmly sit your parents down and explain that while you appreciate their concern, this is not their life, and not their marriage, and they do not get to decide what is best.

and hey..it can work.  the first five months after we got married, DH and i lived halfway across the country from each other, and seeing how we’re both active duty military, we’ll probably be seperated again as well.  we had to wait to get stationed together when we got married, and that takes time.

i would tell you that take care of your health first and foremost, try not to let what your parents say bother you too much, and just try to visit your Fiance as much as possible, talk to him EVERY day (i really think that is key) and be completly and totally honest with each other, and it can work.

good luck!

Post # 7
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Your situation doens’t pale in comparision- your health is important!  All of your reasons for living apart are valid.  But.  Its going to be hard.  If you could find a job in NC, would you move?  You mentioned not wanting to rip up your life.  Maybe just make sure you have explored all options with finding a job where your future husband has to be (or could he transfer schools?)  If those aren’t possible, don’t let your parents guilt you into something that wouldn’t be right for you.

Post # 8
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We were LD before we got married and we are still currently LD until July. My DH is in the military, so he is stationed out of state while I am home finishing my degree.

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Post # 9
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Miss Bumble:  Are you kidding?! You’re doing everything right!!!  Your health does come first. Without it,  everything else is pointless.  Don’t stress…pleaseeeeeeeeee!  Wedding planning in itself is enough to drive anyone crazy, without throwing in other people’s opinions about your life.

Post # 11
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

“And now, when I bring it up they just turn the tables that maybe we should just postpone the wedding until he graduates in 2012.  In theory that doesn’t sound like an aweful idea.”

I don’t want to seem harsh, but I think this is your best option. I know you don’t want to postpone your wedding… but I think you should consider it. It’ll be REALLY hard on your first year of marriage if you aren’t living together. I think you guys need to come up with a plan before moving forward with the wedding. If the wedding is going to be 2011 then you need to find a job in NC. I’m sorry, but part of a marriage is being there together and making sacrifices. I’m NOT saying that anyone who has a LD marriage is wrong at all, it’s just if you CAN be together then you should.

“I just am really looking forward to being done with all the stress this July as opposed to next July.”

If you’re still not living together it’ll only be more stress. Plus the stress that comes along with yr 1 of marriage.

Besides postponing a year gives you one more year to save. And another year to figure out the living situation.

Best of luck!

Post # 12
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Our locations are totally up in the air, too. We may be in the same city…or not. He may get a job…or not. I may extend my program by a(nother) year…or not. But we’re still getting married next May, because our lives are not really going to settle for another five, and I’m simply not willing to wait that long.

Our parents don’t understand either, simply because they didn’t go through it. My parents like to nag me, probably because I’m the girl: “But what are your plans? Where will you live? This seems so (insert critical adjective of choice).” It turns out they haven’t quite figured out that we are making a joint decision as a couple. Needless to say, my relationship with my parents has suffered a little.

Post # 13
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly always try to stay positive. I have found while being long distance from jump the times were easiest when I stayed positive, even when the worse at the time was facing us. Writing or sending cards is good, even if you talk everyday on the phone, try and send a card at a frequency that works. I know from personal experience that sometimes it easier said than done when someone tells you to stay positive, but take it from me while the seperation is apparent so is your Love. I’ve gone from over 4 thousand miles in the same country, to only 760 miles on the same coast, to now  a whopping 10 thousand miles in the Middle east ( where even after we get married I will remain for at least another 2 years, gotta have $$ cushion for when I come back and take a break), and its trying, tiring, but a true Blessing to know that no matter what that person Loves you, misses you, and you two are both are working towards the greater good of your future. Also, if you haven’t, invest in a webcam and a great digital camera. Make I love you music CD’s for the 2 of you to share also.


Post # 15
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

wow your parents are doing exactly the opposite of what they should be doing

you need to look out for yourself and your dreams first, marriage or not. that they want you to drop everything and move yourself to him just baffles me.

i’m in an LDR, have been for 4 years now. you’re marrying him, which is forever, so just sit tight for now.

Post # 16
18 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

My good friend and her husband were in a very similar situation.  He was finishing up his PhD and she was called to serve at a church a thousand miles away.    They spent the 2nd and 4th years of their marriage apart.  While it was a big challenge for them, they made it work.   Like KeyBee said, marraige is forever.  And this probably won’t be the biggest test of your relationship that you will have. Smile (If that is a consolation.)

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