Post # 1
Hello! I’ve been in a LDR with my boyfriend for over 6 months now. I am 23 and he is 26. I’ve been sure from the beginning that I want to marry him. Whenever I bring it up though, he says we are rushing or he needs time to know me fully. However, he’s already stated he thinks we will be married sometime next summer. My thought is: an engagement now vs 6 months from now gives us more time to plan and the same amount of time to continue getting to know each other before we are married. I’m worried because the light at the end of the tunnel is being married. Once we are married, long distance will end and so will the pain. I am so ready right now but I know he needs to be ready too… I guess I’m just wondering if it’s too soon and if being engaged helps with the distance. Any advice would be much appreciated!
Post # 2
No being engaged will not help with distance.
You have ‘been sure from the beginning’ that you wanted to marry him? You are 6 months into a LDR, you’re in the beginning right now. Listen to your boyfriend and stop rushing, he’s not ready, you barely know each other.
Post # 3
Nope, I don’t think so. And if he’s not ready, then there’s no point in trying to rush him. It’ll be more enjoyable if you’re both on the same page. Long distance is hard regardless.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Don’t try to rush an engagement with someone who is telling you he’s not ready.
Post # 5
dem0019 : I spent many years LD with my Darling Husband both before and after marriage. Beign engaged LD was probably the most stressful of it all. I do NOT thing it will help.
Get engaged because you are ready to commit and start planning a wedding, not because you think it will make LD easier.
Also, is it too soon? There are only two people who can answer that. You and your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend has told you that it’s too soon. Therefore, it’s too soon. Give it time.
Post # 6
How much time have you spent in the same place? As someone who had over a year if long distance and now 6 months of not log distance, I can tell you 6 months of long distance doesn’t let you get to know each other that well.
Post # 7
My situation is quite different from yours because my fiance and I have been together seven years, but we are in a semi LDR (only 1 hour away) and are newly engaged. So far, it hasn’t really changed much or made much easier, particularly since we are planning a long engagement while I finish my masters degree and he applies to law school. I will say that we both come from fairly conservative families that would have been aghast at the idea of us moving in together without being engaged or married first, so being engaged does make it a lot easier on that front to start making plans to live together, although we are currently not living together for several other reasons than our families and would have moved in despite their wishes if the timing had been right for us, to be fair.
Post # 8
Whenever I bring it up though, he says we are rushing or he needs time to know me fully. However, he’s already stated he thinks we will be married sometime next summer
These two sentences completely contradict each other. You need to sit down and have a real talk with your bf about his actual feelings. If you’ve only been together 6 months, and have been long distance that whole time, I could definitely understand his needing some more time to get to know you before making such a massive commitment as getting engaged.
Post # 9
dem0019 : when you say you’ve been in an LDR for six months, does that mean you dated for awhile beforehand or just you’ve been in a relationship for six months period?
Why would getting married end the distance? Why not move closer now?
Post # 10
I’m basically in a LDR (we only see each other on weekends) and getting engaged has not helped at all. It’s basically made it worse. Most of our problems stem from us not being physically with each other often enough. I do not recommend getting engaged to help with a LDR.
Post # 11
dem0019 : I suppose it really depends on how long the distance actually is… an hour is no big deal, but a couple days drive is hugely significant. My husband and I were opposite coasts and there is nothing in the world that would have convinced me that getting engaged was smart before we lived in the same state at the very least, preferably the same town or household. When we visited, we were on ‘adventure’ mode. We missed each other big time, were excited to hang out, made great plans for travel, etc. Reality is so much different from that – finding work in the same area, dividing chores, working out finances, realizing he doesn’t like meals you love, etc. It worked out excellently for us, but I could easily see someone finding out their SO is a slob or has other habits or expectations that drive them up the wall. Heck, even as well as my life is going, mine drives me nuts by not listening when I’m talking (often, not always!) unless I make a point to have him respond. Literally “grunt to acknowledge I spoke” is a phrase I’ve used with him several times.
So I’m with your boyfriend on this one. It’s nice to know he wants a future, but you both need to take steps now to bring yourselves closer together and find out the dirt before you take a step you can’t come back from.
Post # 12
Is the relationship 6 months old or just the long distance part of it? If the relationship is 6 months old and it is an LDR you do not yet have enough information to know that you should marry him. That is too short for a close distance relationship never mind a LDR where you don’t see each other often and can’t assess what they’re really like on a day to day basis.
And no, getting engaged (or married) doesn’t help the distance. Distance is gonna suck regardless. My husband works/ lives out of town Monday to Thursday and it sucks every time he has to leave.
Post # 13
dem0019 : I think it helps only from the standpoint that there is a near end in sight instead of an unknown timeline.
But six months into dating, you’re still in the honeymoon phase. I would pump the breaks and give it a bit of time. You’re not with the person everyday, and that can make a big difference when one of you does move. It’s a totally different ballgame.
I was in an LDR off and on for years. I was all great in the beginning, but then he was spoked after I was getting job interviews in his city. It took the better part of my early 20s to break free of that relationship. It was hard because there was no clear end in sight, hence my earlier point.
I’m not saying it won’t work out! But just be cautions and be sure each of you are effectively communicating your needs.
Post # 14
Former LDR bee here. Darling Husband technically moved in after only 6 months of “official” dating but we took much more time prior to that getting to know each other. Granted, moving in after six months was entirely stupid and I recognize that, luckily, it worked out for us. We waited almost two years until getting engaged and then another year before getting married.
Advice is this: Wait. Don’t get engaged. Don’t get married. Live with him for a few years first cause I can tell you from experience it is ENTIRELY 100% different living with someone for two years than it is dating them long distance for any period of time.
Post # 15
anthonyswife : I guess I’m stressed because I just started my career in a different state and now we are a 9 hour drive away from each other. He wants me to move in with him and look for other jobs near him. In addition, he’s in the military and will be moving a lot in the next 3 years. I’m just thinking if he’s serious, he should be understanding that the distance and working around his schedule is a lot to handle. I am not comfortable giving up my career and moving around wherever he goes when there’s not a bigger commitment. I do respect that he is not ready and I’m not looking for a ring tomorrow but I also want to know I’m working towards something, you know? Is this a red flag that he doesn’t want to discuss it? How long is too long to wait for someone who is ‘not ready’?