(Closed) LDR + engaged?

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Me and my SO used to do the LDR thing, so I get it, it’s hard. But…I think it would be extremely foolish yo get engaged before living near each other or with each other. When you add up the amount of time you’ve actually spent physically together I’m guessing it wouldn’t add up to all that long. When you see each other during a LDR it’s basically like a mini holiday each time, you’re excited to see each other and you’re at your best. Seeing each other everyday is vastly different. Marriage is a huge deal and at some point one of you would need to move. Why not move now, see how it goes and then get engaged. 

Post # 3
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

honexyz:  No it’s not pointless to become engaged while in an LDR, I don’t really understnad where that question comes from.  You get engaged when you are ready to start planning your wedding and your marriage, so I don’t see why being in an LDR is a particular problem…besides the ways it always sucks.

I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is telling you that he’s not ready and you aren’t hearing him.  I think you guys need to have an open talk about it (not dropping hints) and see where you both stand on timeline.

Post # 4
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

honexyz:  I could have wrote this EXACT same post a few years ago. When I was nearing my last year of university (LDR for 3 years at that point, one more year to go), I really wanted to get engaged and pick a date. We had decided we were definitely getting married someday, but I really wanted to make it official. We talked about it, and we were on the same page about getting married in 2015 or 2016, but I thought the proposal would come sooner than it did. To be honest, some days it took over my mind and it was all I could think about. I was always dropping hints, and it drove him crazy, and it drove me crazy that he was ignoring them. Our relationship was good, but this issue was causing little fights and turning me into a crazy person. I would go on Blue Nile and just stare at the ring I wanted. Seriously crazy…. I really wanted the ring and the proposal, even though I had his full committment. He kept reminding me of this, and saying the proposal would come when it’s the right time. And he was right!!

We were actually engaged for a few months of the end of our LDR (engaged Dec 5 2014, moved to his city in June 2015.) By that point it felt like our time in an LDR was pretty much done, we weren’t feeling the pain of the distance like we did in the beginning. If we were engaged any earlier it might have made the distance harder, but who knows.

 I don’t think you are unreasonable for wanting to be engaged. You are clearly in love and want to be with him forever, and the excitement of the proposal and the ring is very enticing at the moment. I totally get that you don’t want to wait! But I’m going to give you advice that I couldn’t even follow myself, even though I tried… Try and be patient! The proposal will be more special and feel more right, when he is ready too. If he wants to wait a year, I’m sure he has a good reason. I waited for over a year from when I thought the proposal would happen, and the moment he got on one knee I forgot all of the waiting period. Now our wedding is coming up this year, and time has gone sooo quickly. I already forget how impatient I was, and am happy to be engaged now no matter how long it took for the proposal to come. 

 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  katza.
Post # 6
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

I think it also depends on how old you both are. 

If he’s graduating college this year, then he has a LOT on his plate. Loans, relocating, starting work, the transition from school life to working life, and finally earning a salary is a lot to deal with. It’s not easy. Since you say that you won’t graduate for a year, you’re stuck in the limbo can-see-the-light-at-the-end-of-school-but-still-in-school-life. You’ll have a lot coming up too, especially if you don’t have a job lined up before graduation or if you’re thinking of applying to graduate schools. 

It sucks, but wait it out. Finish school first. 

Post # 7
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

honexyz:  http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ldr-did-getting-engaged-make-it-easier/#post-9648113

I wrote this post in 2013… very similar situation! 

To be honest I wasn’t totally surprised when the proposal came, I think we had talked about it to death by that point. I picked out my own ring too. If you want it to be a total surprise, then you really have to let it go.. don’t look in drawers or peek at emails haha 🙂 I suggest taking up an excellent nail polish collection and channeling your wedding obsession into pintrest! This site is great too, you can stare at other people’s rings. And check out the waiting boards, there are so many people in the same situation (even some that are crazier than us).

Post # 8
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I can’t ever imagine getting engaged with someone who I have never lived with. Sharing a household is a big difference from being in a LDR. There is a big chance you both will regret it. Don’t rush it. If you are really meant to be together you will have lot of time to take those further steps together. 

Post # 9
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - City, State

honexyz,

I have almost the same story here! My fiance (then boyfriend) and I were in LDR for 3 years (Australia – USA, we were close distance before the LDR) I was in USA for school, he visited me a couple times a year. He came for my graduation in June and then went back to Aussie.

I was upset when I know later from his sister that when he came to visit me in June, he brought the ring too! (the plan was he’ll propose after the graduation)

I stayed 3 more months in the States for a project, and after that I flew to Aussie (where we are now). A week after that, and HE PROPOSED! It was the best thing ever!!! He did it in a very beautiful place – a place that I have in my to go list once in Australia + he ordered a violin player to play some romantic songs AND 2 secret photographers (his sisters)… it got me teared up like crazy haha! Later he told me that he wanted to make it very special one for me and he thought graduation was not the right time for him, as he didn’t know much about the places, photographers, etc.

So, for your situation (from what I’ve learned), I would say that he’s right! There is no rush in getting the ring. When it’s the right time, it will happen. When a man wants something he will always find a way. But do give him hints about the kind of ring you’re after, so he gets the idea  For now, just focus on growing the relationship, be the best partner for him, and help/support him going thru whatever is on his plate! 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

honexyz:  I definitely agree that you shouldn’t push him into engaged if he’s not ready.

My SO always talked about marraige even when we just began dating and I didnt’ think much of it, but 2 years later I got the wedding fever and started planning, ect. without checking back in with him because I assumed he was ready too.

We ended up breaking up because the long distance was putting a strain on the relationship and he didn’t feel settled yet in other areas of his life.

We eventually worked it out, but just reiterating you both need to be on the same page! Marraige is a big deal and no one should go into it unwillingly/with hesitation

Post # 11
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

My SO and I were in a LDR and it was incredibly difficult. Everything was more intense. The fights, the love, etc. We have now been living together/near each other for 6 years and have fallen into more of a “normal” relationship. I couldn’t imagine being engaged to him before we lived like this, as it is similar to what our married life will be like. Being near each other for the majority of time was when I learned that I loved him on a lifetime level. 

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My situation wasn’t the same as yours, but I kind of think it makes sense that you’ve been together for this long and are at a point where you’re ready to move onto the next stage! So I just want to say I’d probably be feeling like you!!  But like PP said-you need to hear what he’s saying, too.  I’m thinking as wonderful as the stability of an official engagement might sound to you–it might just be too big of another change for him at this point? But always as so many of these threads point out–communication is key. Uncomfortable awkward conversations must and can be had. It’s so much better to awkwardly talk about things than let them simmer…

Post # 13
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I don’t think it’s pointless to become engaged while in a LDR (I’m currently in that situation). As long as you and your SO are on the same page and are ready to make that commitment it’s fine, but it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to do that quite yet.

The time after graduating can be a hectic one and I’m sure he really does have a lot on his plate right now. I’d give him some time to settle into his new life.

Post # 14
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m engaged in a LDR but we used to live together (are moving back in together after the wedding).  I think being apart added perspective to the relationship and we know that we want to work to be together.  So I think it can be a plus.  We have been long distance for one year and are getting married in November.  Don’t rush an engagement; let it come naturally when it’s right for both of you.

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