(Closed) LDR + engaged?

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 16
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I have been with my fiance for 2 years, and of that, 9 months we lived an hour drive of each other, the rest of the time we see each other once a month for 2 days. We have a great relationship and it has not caused any problems with wedding planning or communication because we talk, email, text, messenger, skype, and even write each other letter all the time. If the two of you are ready to get married then i say go for it. even if my fiance lived in the same state as me, we would not have lived together before marriage, and we both have super busy schedules so we would see each other everyday. 

Post # 17
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

honexyz:  I’m on the other end of this spectrum.  I was with my ex for just over 3 years and we were in a LDR the entire time.  At the end we were closer than we had been (1.5 hours away instead of 5), but once we moved closer to each other a few glaring red flags were evident.  We didn’t work as a couple.  I was ignoring those issues because we were long distance and whenever we saw each other it was basically a happy little vacation where everything seemed perfect.  I was about your age, from what it sounds.  I was in my early-mid 20’s.  We were fresh out of college and desperately wanting to make our relationship work.

Not that your relationship can’t work, but just be realistic.  So he’s moving farther away after he graduates?  Are you ok with that?  Do you have a plan in place for where you would live?  Have you spent extended time with him in person (like a month straight)?  It’s good that you are talking about things but it sounds like that is all that has really happened…it sounds like he has pushed it back farther whereas you are ready for engagement now.  It sounds like you had a plan in place and he kind of shot that to hell without consulting you.  Again, not that it can’t work, but that is an indication to me that getting engaged is not the right choice for you guys right now.  There is no rush, just take your time.  Make sure you are being honest with yourself and make sure you are getting what you need out of this relationship.

Post # 18
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I’m a newly engaged bee, and our entire relationship has been an international LDR. I’m from Canada and he’s from USA. 1.5 years into the relationship he proposed, and around the 9 month mark was when we started discussing our futures together. Around the 11th month mark we started shopping for engagement rings.  It took about 5 months total of shopping both online and in shops together before we purchased my ring. I do not get along with surprises, so we did try out, me picking 3 rings and he would have the final pick, but we both agreed to go for the one ring I fell in love with.
Ironically enough, two months after we got engaged, I decided to go apply and get into my top pick post grad program, it’s only 4 semesters though, so roughly 1.5 years.  Most people are surprised with my choice and the longer the engagement, but it’s what works best for us. We both want to enjoy our engagement, and do not want to rush the wedding process. 
I have a job that allows me to work remotely, and it doesn’t hurt that the flight to see eachother is only about 45 mins lol. 
If it helps any, I got bit by the engagement bug and he understood how much it meant to me, and even though I hit that place before he did, we are on the same page.  We have no regrets and we are excited for our future plans. Most folks are supportive and happy for us, I’ve had one or two just not comprehend why we are doing this, and I just shrug, smile and tell them that he makes it worth it/worthwhile.

Post # 19
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

LDRs are not for everyone but they do work for the right two people. Although many aspects of my life are different than the OP, I too am in a LDR. We’ve been engaged for 4 of the 29 months we’ve been together. Our time together is not a mini-vacation and neither of us have our “representatives” showing up. We are living real life with ups, downs, and everything inbetween. Above all else we are happy with one another and where we are in life. Being happy is the end goal for all…whether living together or in a LDR. 

OP, your feelings are valid….but so are your boyfriend’s. No woman wants a man to propose just because he’s feeling pressured. Instead I suggest that you find periodic, low stress times to discuss your future and establish reasonable timelines that you’d both be comfortable with. But also don’t forget to have fun. Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - City, State

honexyz:  we didn’t go ring shopping together. Mine was a surprise, and I prefer that. I only showed him pictures of the type of ring I love – a simple yellow gold with diamond, and asked him what he thought about it. We both have the same ‘simple’ taste, so he ended up buying almost the same as the picture I showed him. A little bigger than my size but we adjusted it later. (Better bigger than smaller!) 😄

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  drizzbee.
Post # 21
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I very much appreciate the input from people who caution against engaged/married before living together, but at the same time I know for some people it isn’t feasible. My boyfriend is in the military and he gets stationed in little places I can’t find work in. I would be unable to support myself if I moved up there; I would be unable to pay to have a place up there and being an unmarried lower officer with no legal dependents he is required to live at the barracks, which are basically college dorms.

Granted, everyone is different, but that at least is my situation and should hopefully illustrate why cohabitating may just not be able to happen beforehand. However, I also understand that the plunge should not be taken lightly and I do fully agree that it’s easy to stay in honeymoon mode when you only see each other a few times a year. You make sure to plan for a certain time of the month, pack the cute undies, perfect your hair, hold in those farts for a few days, and perhaps put up with or overlook little things because you are determined to have a good time.

But yes, I do see that distance is tricky. I know it is. I will say that you guys sound young and I agree that he has a LOT of change approaching and may not be keen on adding to that now that he feels the full weight of it all. There is SO much pressure to get a job and feel your debt saddling you and get your career started and get experience and somehow you have to know what you want for your life and really fully do the adulting thing. I know I’ve gone through some big things recently and I’m trying to settle into these new changes and can’t just be whisked away into marriage just yet. So I mean – I understand his side. I feel you guys really need to be able to sit down and talk about it. Give him some time, but also express that you see a life with him and would like to make some goals together.

To get back on track – I don’t think it’s useless to get engaged! But neither should you jump in or expect too much without talking to him more about it. 

As for ring shopping.. you could look around online and send him links to give him a sense of your style for when he is ready? I’ve done some looking around and have ultimately concluded that I don’t want him having to spend $1000 when we could do $200 to put the $800 elsewhere/not strain his money/put it towards the wedding or honeymoon/not worry about me losing it/not wonder about the ethics of its origin. I’ve certainly browsed around to get an idea of what I like and what I feel looks good for the price. I haven’t sent anything to him yet because he’s showed signs of having a potentially itchy trigger finger, but I think options without shoving a single selection in his face are a nice route. I know I certainly waver between worrying he’ll pick something I don’t like and not feeling as giddy because the chosen ring is 100% not a surprise. 

Post # 22
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

honexyz:  I too would love to know what others have to say about your last question! Thanks for posting your original post. I’m in a similar situation and new to WB.

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