(Closed) LDR even in marriage?

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m not in this situation, so I just wanted to say HUGS to you and any other ladies in this situation!

Post # 4
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

@qui40067:  Yes, I’m currently in this situation.  I live in NJ and he lives in PA.  We were married in July, but I had started looking for jobs in his area about eleven months before we were married.  I rarely receive any call backs and/or the pay is horrible.  And anything that I do get up there will be about $15,000 less a year than what I am making now.  The good news is I currently have a job.  The best case scenario would be if they would let me work a few days a week from home and I’d drive in to the office the rest of the days.  Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen now. 

I totally understand how you are feeling.  It sucks and I hope that I can soon live with him.  How often do you get to see each other now?

Post # 5
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We almost were.

We dated all through college, then LDR-ed while I stayed for grad school and he took a job in VA. After I graduated two years later, I found a job in SC. We tried soooo hard to find jobs near each other, but it just wasn’t happening.

Fortunately, his company offered him a transfer two months before the wedding, so we were able to avoid having a LDM. If he didn’t have a job, though, I don’t know what we would have done. I truly think the best thing for us would have been to continue working our jobs and looking for ones near the other.

In your situation, it sounds like you have at least would have a time limit. Once your internship’s over, you’d be able to go to your FI’s city.

My advice would be not to sacrifice anything. Compromise is key, but if you give up something that you think you might regret later down the line, don’t do it. Having a long-distance marriage might be tough for awhile, but, if you’ve made it this far, and know you’d only have a couple more months to get through, I think you can do it. 

 

On a side note, I have a couple of friends who are planning their wedding with the knowledge that they’ll have a LDM for at least two years. She’s in a PhD program at Duke, and he’s working four hours away in SC. They’ve been in an LDR for over five years. I think if you’ve got a good relationship, you can make it work… but it will definitely be a hard time to come back after the honeymoon and say “See you in a few weeks for a weekend visit, husband…”

Post # 7
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Good luck with the distance.  My husband might have to work in another state for a month next year but I couldn’t imagine 9 months.  We were LDR at the beginning of our relationship so I understand how tough it can be.

Post # 8
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We will most likely be have a LDR after we are married because of his job. His last project took about 10 months and they are either think Little Rock or Jacksonville next. We have a home, pets, and our daughter starts kindergarten next fall so we can’t just move where ever they send him next (or the place after that or the place after that…)We make it work. We take turns traveling. He would love to quit and do something here, but nothing has come along that offers the same money he gets now.

Post # 9
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Right now my husband lives away from home half the week. It’s not a true Long Distance Marriage, but I tell him it feels like that while he’s gone. At the end of the month he’ll be home for good though!!!

Post # 10
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

We were LDR for 5 years (up until a month ago). We’ve had a 2 year engagement, because I refuse to be in a LDM. we saved our pennies, and I took a major paycut to be here with him – but I don’t regret it for a second. If you can afford the cut, take it. You can never get the years back, but you can always make money later.

Post # 11
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Yep…I’m 9 months into my LDR after marriage (was 2 years into an LDR before we were married).  Needless to say, it’s HARD…but…it’s 100% doable.  Our budget doesn’t allow Darling Husband and I to see eachother very often.  We’ve only seen eachother twice in the nine months we’ve been married.

We really HEAVILY on skype and yahoo games.  I kid you not.  Both of us are except internet pool players now.  We are now also masters of online checkers and dominoes.  We even have “date” nights.  We’ll both rent the same movie, or decide on a TV show and then sit down to watch it while we are webcaming and talking on the phone.  Not nearly as good as the real deal, but it’s awesome when it’s all you got.  One night we even cooked the same exact meal together.  It was hilarious because I was essentially teaching him how to cook even though I was 1k plus miles away.  Even having the computer/webcam in the kitchen with you can make things so much better.

While in “real life” I don’t believe in the “don’t go to bed angry rule.”  If I’m mad, I need to be left alone…However, while in an LDR we follow that rule to a T.  I just can’t handle being separated from him at night and us being angry at eachother. 

I will say that we sacrifice a lot of sleep to spend time together.  We call eachother in the morning before Darling Husband goes to work, which is 3:45 am for me.  And most nights I don’t get to bed before 10 or 11…

You can so do this.  I know it’s hard, but keep in mind it isn’t forever!  You will be amazed at how much stronger you will be after you’ve worked through a LDR…

Post # 12
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

yikes, JsDragonfly, that’s intense! My fiance moved 8 hours away a year ago for a job opportunity and we just got engaged in July. I have a great job here where i’ll be getting automatic promotions for the next 3 years, so I don’t want to move before I reach my highest promotion. he really enjoys his job as well, which is on a renewable contract, and there’s nothing like it here at all. Basically, unless I find a job that pays more than what my highest promotion will be here, I don’t want to move down there prematurely because his position is so much more temporary than mine.

It actually hasn’t been too bad so far, i fly down and visit him once or twice a month (his city’s much better than mine!) and we’re in the same time zone so we talk on the way home from work and then again before bed. We planned to have a 2 year engagement but i don’t know if our families can wait that long! they’re both very excited and supportive but I hadn’t expected for it to be like “I now pronounce you man and wife” “okay, hubby – see ya in a month!”. it’s what we need to do right now to prepare ourselves for buying a house and getting better jobs closer to each other in the future but it’s obviously not ideal. I think we’ll be cutting the engagement down to a year so we’ll be LDM until 2013 or (gulp) 2014 even! oh geez. now you’ve got me thinking about it!!! that’s too long!

Post # 13
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you were military 9 months in different states would be nothing. For military families 6-12+ month deployments are the “norm.” Communication in war zones isn’t always the best either… so really, 9 months with the ability to communicate daily isn’t too bad 🙂 My parents actually live in different countries right now, commuting back and forth when possible… 

Post # 14
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

We did 6 months LDR after we got married. It wasn’t a big deal–no different than the previous 3+ years LDR. Just with the “married” part. He was in Georgia and I was in Missouri so it took a lot of flexing my work schedule around to go visit him. Luckily my boss was totally cool with it.

I don’t think it’s worth it for him to lose his job for a 9 month internship. We were in the same boat–Dh was finishing up a stint in the Army and I had a full time job. If I’d left to go be with him, it would’ve been the stupidest thing ever because now he’s working at Target and I’d probably have an equally or more junky job!!!!! Somebody’s gotta be stable for the future!

But you aren’t that far apart. Look at it this way–it’s a DRIVE. you can DRIVE to see each other!!! Focus on the positive.

Look at it this way–you can start the ‘newlywed bliss’ 9 months into your marriage, haha. When Darling Husband came home it was super awesome. I may have appreciated it even more, who knows!

But yeah. Same level of hardness as pre-marriage as long as you get over the mental hump.

I totally agree with KLP. “local” long distance is way better than “global” long distance!!!!!!! phone calls, email, texting…all those things make having a LDM very, very, very doable

Post # 15
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Fiance and I will be, for at least the next 5 years. We have been for 3 so far. He’s gone from March – September every year. I try to fly and visit for a week every month. I recently accepted another position that allows more flexibility. He actually flies home TODAY!!!!!! The only thing I can say is, you make it work. We skype, chat, text, email, and talk 3-4 times a day, no matter what we are doing. You just make it work. It’s been a little more challenging this season with the wedding, but we truly are a happy couple. If anything, being part of an LDR has made our relationship better. We appreciate each other so much more now. You’ll figure it out. You have to do what’s best for you.

Post # 16
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@KLP2010: Eh, you do have a point…Communication is defnitely ALOT better when your hubby is stateside, but 9 months in different states is still brutal. lol  In some ways, the last 9 months has been more brutal than when my Darling Husband was deployed.  Granted back then, we weren’t married and we were just trucking along…now, even though he’s stateside and we do talk everyday, we realize we aren’t having the same newly wed experience that all of our friends/family had and that puts a whole different level of stress on a relationship.

My sister and her now Fiance were whining all…the…freakin…time about being in a LDR when they lived 2 1/2 hours apart and saw eachother every weekend and sometimes during the week.  Now, I know how extremely hard it is to be away from someone you love, which is why I would NEVER tell her to suck it up and deal with it…(even though I am brutally honest like that)…However, I would just sit there and probably look so confused as she would vent to me.  I wanted to really say, “Really?  Seriously?  You haven’t seen him in 5 days and you are complaining???  I’ve seen Darling Husband 8 times in the last 2 1/2 YEARS!”  But…alas…she is my sister and I love her dearly.

And by the way, I’m officially on my way to see the hubs for the weekend!!!!!  WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!! 

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