(Closed) LDR Fighting?

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I haven’t really noticed a pattern, I must admit. When I was last over there, we had one fight, and it was over fairly quickly. We had a bit of a bumpy weekend last weekend, but it’s all good now. So it’s hard to say.

On thing I do notice is that it’s so stressful having a disagreement long distance. When you’re together, at least you’re together, and you know the other person is still there and that things are really okay, even if you’re annoyed with each other for a little while. You can offer a cuddle or a hug, gauge the other person’s mood nonverbally, etc. Over the phone, it drives me nuts! He’s a ‘clammer upper’ when he’s upset, so he may just not want to talk to me for a day, and not knowing what’s going on over there makes me crazy anxious. I’m a ‘talker outer’ so it’s hard for me to not worry when I don’t know what’s going on with him. I look forward to the day that I can just know he’s in the other room cooling off, and that everything is still okay, we’ll talk it out as soon as he’s feeling better.

Hope that makes some kind of sense!

Post # 4
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We haven’t had a fight yet… we actually talked about that this weekend, I said, “What do you think we’ll eventually fight about?”

His response? “You being so emotional.”

Me: “You think I’m too emotional?”

Him: “No, I think it’s good that you’re emotional, but I think eventually you’ll get mad that I’m so logical and don’t get emotional over stuff.”

Me: “I like that you’re logical. Plus you’re really patient with me.”

Him: “I guess we’ll never fight then.” (Haha… just kidding ~ the topic of the conversation turned though.)

Post # 6
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@RB – I guess we can stick ’em together at the conference then, eh?

Post # 8
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@RB, eh, we’ll set up some x-boxes or something and crack a keg for them.

Post # 9
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@DDW and Ring Bearer – Sign my Fiance up for the Xbox too.. ha.

 

When I am on my period, I get way more emotional, so I tell him when I am on it, so that helps him to understand why I am acting like a crazy woman (and I still need to find a birth control).  No we don’t really fight at all.. I just get sad that we aren’t together.

 

And we have never fought in person.  We are pretty good communicators.  I like that being in a LDR has helped improve those skills.

Post # 10
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’ve noticed that my Fiance and I only start arguing about the week before we’re supposed to see each other again. I’m not sure if it’s the anticipation we’re both feeling, but it happens more often than not.

Post # 11
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I definitely noticed patterns in our relationship.  When he was at sea, the patterns were very apparent.  I would go through a period of feeling abandoned before he left and then I would deal with his deployments by being angry at him (it’s harder to miss someone you’re angry at).  Once I realized how this was working, I tried to activiely mitigate this because it wasn’t healthy for me mentally.  When he wasn’t at sea, or now that he’s at school, I notice that my breaking point is at about 1 month of not seeing each other.  I can do two weeks no problem, but by the end of the third week, I’m done.  I get crankier, I pick fights, I’m over not seeing him.  

You know that country song, “she’s a fighter when she’s fighting and a lover when she’s loving”?  That’s me!  We both are headstrong first born and always think we’re right.  We fight, but we’ve learned how to be more constructive.  When we raise our voices, we try to take a step back and figure out why we’re getting so worked up.  Usually it’s because we’re misunderstanding each other or don’t have all the information and are jumping to conclusions.  We’ve also learned that forgiveness, the kind where you sincerely apologize and then don’t speak about the issue again (no more, “you always do x, you never do y, I can’t believe you did z again”), is a key aspect of reconciliation after a fight.

Post # 12
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I never ”fought” with my Fiance before he went back to California. I’m still waiting for the phone with a camera!!! It’s just hard to know what the person is really thinking without seeing their face.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

We don’t really fight much or argue, but i think it has more to do with our personalities. He’s more passive than me and when I get really pissy, I get short and snappy. And he just finds a way to get off the phone, let me do my thing (go to the gym or something) and then I come back all pleasant. He’s like this in person–if I have my space, I am fine. When he crowds me (which he’s learned not to do) that’s when he gets my wrath, lol. And he knows it’s not because of him, ever, it’s because of all the other things on my plate stressing me out, like a bad grade on a test. When he gets kinda depressed (sometimes he has his days) i just give him space, too. If i push him, I can fully expect him to snap at me. So I just know not do.

It used to be that I could handle seeing him every 6-8 weeks, but when he got deployed I went through a rough patch. I didn’t let it filter onto him, but I think my parents got the brunt of that. Sometime around the 3 or 4 month mark it got super tough….not quite halfway, with about a year left of his deployment…yeah i kinda lost it, lol.

I did flip shit on him once while he was deployed. Just once. It took us about a week to recover because we weren’t “ok” until we could talk on the phone again. It boiled down to me not trying to burden him with my (what seemed petty while he was deployed–after all he had bigger fish to fry) issues and then it just blew up in our faces

Post # 14
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

in the beginning i noticed that he would get especially paranoid when we hadn’t talked in a week. now, 4 years in, we both get antsy when we haven’t talked in a few weeks with our busy schedules. our biggest blow outs have been during those times.

usually we come to a consensus or take a couple days to breathe and calm down before coming back and talking again. everything has been civil thankfully.

we’ve only had one disagreement while we’ve been visiting but it was simply a misunderstanding so it was easy to work out. other than that, we’ve been good

Post # 15
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I always got VERY crabby about 6 weeks after not seeing him.  We tried our best to schedule trips every 8 weeks.  But I always thought (and still do) that LDR fights are much harder on both of us than are our arguments now.  It’s so hard not to be able to read each other’s faces and touch.

Post # 16
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

When the Mr. and I were traveling a lot and apart, we would get into really petty fights both together and over email/phone.  I agree with you, it seemed like they didn’t really matter to us, it was more the situation that put us in that mood.

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