Post # 1
BF and I have a wonderful realtionship and get along great. One issue we fight about constantly is balancing our relationship with life…his life mostly.
I live out West away from family and friends but over time made good friends here. BF lives close to home (about an hour away) and visits often. The issue is during these visits I feel like he disregards me since I’m not physically there. I get the obligatory phone call every night but for a guy who doesn’t like to talk coupled and since he’s tired from doing family/friend stuff all day there’s not much of a conversation.
When I’m home I always excuse myself for 15 min and call him so that we can talk when I’m not borderline comatose but he seems to think it’s rude to do that. When we are together it’s a non-issue but now that he’s on vacation with his family, I feel like his BF status is on vacation too.
I’ve tried explaining that it sucks that I get booted to the bottom just because I’m not physically there. He’s wonderful the rest of the time and gives me tons of love and affection. Am I overreacting or is this characteristic of a LDR?
Post # 3
I can see why that hurts. Kind of like, “Out of sight out of mind.” Well maybe since you’re fine with how you are when you are with him, you shouldn’t panic. He might not be a real talker. (And therefore simply using words over the phone, doesn’t do much for him.) Sometimes guys can be like that. Have you tried telling him what you’ve told us?
Honestly, when my DH and I were in a LDR, we talked on the phone every night for an hour or so. So I don’t have real experience with that. Just some possibilities for you.
Post # 4
He’s definitely on the quiet side especially when he’s tired where as I can ramble on for ages but the last person I want to do the one-sided conversation with is him. I’ve told him how I feel, he insists he doesn’t feel that way and thinks of me through the day but just seems to be doing stuff all day. It’s not as much of an issue when he’s home at his place.
I just don’t know how many times I have to tell him before it sticks but on the other hand maybe I’m being clingy?
Post # 5
I would KILL for a daily phone call! Unfortunately, we’re 12 hours off, so … we talk once a week.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for involved conversation, but maybe you can compromise – for instance, maybe if he called every other/third day instead of every, he’d be better able to find a good time to do it.
Post # 6
Have you tried switching phone calls for yahoo! or webcam? It worked from my fi (who is also not a talker)
I can totally feel you–my fi is military and he’s away often. He rather see me anyway though on occasion he’s not able to go to yahoo so he’ll talk on the phone.
Is this often or just like one weekend/month? Is it just on vacation? I kind of also see where a little overreaction might be coming from too because he’s not doing this always just once in awhile because he’s tired or something came up. They need their space too.
But, again, it’s hard to decide where to draw the line and it too me a long time to realize/be able to deal with a LDR.
Post # 7
I agree, I would maybe not talk TOO much. It sucks being apart and its always a plus just getting to hear there voice. My Fiance and I both are military and even if we can call often (depending on where we were sent) I prefer not too. It leaves very little for updates and things to talk about. It leaves to many pauses in the convo when you talk so much and you dont have anything new to say if you just talked to them “yesterday”!
Post # 8
How did I miss this post? I’m usually all over the LDR stuff =].
Well, I can honestly say I totally get where your BF is coming from. I think it’s rude to excuse myself from a convo with friends/family to go call him, too. In fact, I rarely do that. I just text him or call him late in the evening. We are married and live apart (he lives in GA, I live in MO) and we chat when i get off work (while we’re driving home) and then i talk to him before i go to bed for a few minutes. Maybe 10. Why? i’m busy. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about him. But if i have nothing to say, I’m not going to eat up time on the phoen with him. It’s like “ok…..ok…..alright man i gotta study”. I work full time, I work out, I study, I make dinner, i clean the house…i’m tired. I don’t want to hear about the football game. He doesn’t want to hear me talk about how dirty the house is. It’s just kind of how it is. It’s easy to be sensitive about it–i used to be, too. Then i started getting busier and realized we didn’t have to talk all the time to be together and think about each other. So we talk when there are things to talk about. We send silly text messages all the time. Or, he sends me pervy ones, lol. You know how that goes. But seriously, i think in text is where our goofy personalities come through. Phone convos are just daily updates of our lives. BUt when i go visit my parents, i talk to him when i get up for 5, then before bed. I would never excuse myself from having, say guests over at my house to go talk to him. I just don’t have 30 minutes of “stuff” to talk to him about! And, he IS on vacation with his family. A phone call once a night would be good, though. I dont’ think it’s right to go days, especially when you DO have access to a phone. But i also would remember he’s on vacation, having fun, he misses me, sure, but he’s occupied, also! So just try to keep that in mind a little more. Without personally knowing you, yeah, it sounds a smidgen clingy–he’s obviously busy. But, he should definitely acknowledge that you need the acknowledgement and make some effort to drop you a line. But if he doesn’t, you need to realize he’s not ignoring you, he’s just got his hands in something at that moment.
is he not a phone talker? my guy HATES the phone. He’s very “well, if you have nothing to say, can i go watch my football game?” i don’t take it personally. Listening to me breathe or gossip on the phone is eating into *his* evening of relaxation. He deserves some football =].
It works for us, but we are a VERY indenpdent married couple. We had to suffice on a 30 minute phone call one a week for 15 months and since then, we’ve condensed our phone talk down a LOT. Now the texting? We do that a lot =]
Post # 9
I understand how you feel. But I don’t think your boyfriend is being unreasonable. I also have trouble wanting to excuse myself from my family/friends to talk to my Fiance, and usually just tell him I will call him back when I get home. When I was in a LDR, my then BF explained how much he hated talking to me on the phone, because it just made him sad that I wasn’t there, so we would talk very briefly each night. But you could consider Skype/webcam, and maybe that would be much more enjoyable for him than a phone call.
Post # 10
I’ve been in 2 LDR’s, one with someone who wasn’t much of a phone talker and one who was. After a 3 year relationship with the not a talker, I can understand your level of frustration with the phone conversations. But he is who he is and you aren’t going to change that. The phrase that gets me through the day sometimes: you can’t change others, but you can change how you react to them. Accept the importance of his relationship with his family and be happy that they get along so well. Take a look at some of the PP suggestions as to how to mix things up and see if one of them works for the two of you. If it’s more when he’s with his family, then try to arrange a time where the two agree to catch up before he goes to visit the family. You may want your message to “stick” but I would hate for it to become an issue that causes a break. Just my two cents….
Post # 11
Thank you so much for replying. I was extremely frustrated when I wrote this. I think the fear of moving to another country is part of the reason because I won’t have any friends or family there with me, be unemployed and am worried that this may be what happens when we live together.
Thank you for bringing back down to earth and telling me to look past a stupid phone convo. He cares enough to call every night to tell me I am loved even if it’s late for him and that’s saying something. We had a talk about it and he told me this is something he struggles with in every relationship and finding his balance is not easy especially when your quietness is mistaken. As for my fears of him gallavanting off when I finally move away he said, ” Why would I leave you to be with my family when you are my family?” To which I had no reply and had to laugh at my stupid insecurities.
So I’m thankful for my wonderful boy and to the bees for not letting me get away with my pity party lol.
Post # 12
please don’t feel like there is something wrong with him. My husband and the lvoe of lmy life was like that almost every day of our long distnace relationship. I constantly picked fights about him not giving me enough attention, phone time etc. He just hated talking on the phone and it was the source of our biggest conflicts dating…
All that to say–he really loved me, and really married me…he just hated phone converstaions and postponed them and avoided them whenever he could. I got over and and let him call when he missed me–we were both much happier then! Just learn to work our a compromise before it gets sticky and things will be well!
Post # 13
ejs4y8 – OMG, I’m totally the same way w/ my guy!!!!
Guys really aren’t complicated. If he has reassured you that he is just wiped out, then take it for face value. On the flip side, wouldnt you want to dedicate 100% of your focus on your friends/family? If you were going to spend time talking to him, then it wouldn’t be right to cut their time so you can conversate w/ your man. Besides, if you were on vacation with him (or honeymoon!), would you want him to take 15 minutes every night to talk to his family?
It bothers the heck out of me when my gfs talk to their guys constantly. I see them maybe at most, three times a year, so when we make plans for a night, I don’t understand why they need to call their boyfriends (who they live with and just saw!).
Unless it isn’t something super important to be waiting for his phonecall, then just take it with a grain of salt.
Post # 14
I’m on the other end of this situation! I live about 30 minutes from my parents and go there on the weekends sometimes. I really think that if I’m with someone, I should be with them, so I don’t really call and talk to my fiance’ much when I’m at home. (He lives in Michigan and I live in PA and we talk all the time normally). I’ll talk to him for a few minutes if he calls – I just won’t initiate it. It’s the same thing when I’m hanging out with my friends. He gets mad at me all the time for ‘ignoring’ him. But I’m really not – I just think that it’s rude to be on the phone with somone whe you’re in the presence of someone else. This is probably the thing that annoys him the most about me.
But my guy is the most important person in my world! So the amount of time that we talk when I’m with other people does NOT equal how crazy I am about him. I’m sure your guy feels the same way :o)
Post # 15
It’s easy to get wound up in stuff and let it fester in you when you can’t have that face to face convo. I find that sometimes a text of “hug” makes me feel a lot better. He can’t actually hug me, he can’t say hello, but it’s a teeny tiny gesture throughout my day that really helps when you are LDR
Oh and webcams are totally great. When you spend months apart i found that i needed the facetime to feel like i was “in” a relationship. It helps a TON to see their face!
LDR’s aren’t a walk in the park, but they’re worth it if you’re with the right guy =]. It’s not easy for him, either! when you feel like this, let him know you miss him. The feeling will come right back. Guys just aren’t always the best at initiating this.