(Closed) LDR- Impatient

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

After 5 years at 30 and 32, I’d be concerned. Then again, if you agreed on “within a year” last summer, then perhaps he’ll stick to his word. If you think he’s serious, give him the benefit of the doubt and wait a few months, but be ready to walk – or at LEAST have a serious heart to heart – after that point.

Post # 4
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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oxbellissima3xo :  Are you sure he’s just not trying to throw you off?

Post # 5
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Are you OK with it happening within the year? If so, really be OK with it and continue on as before. If you are not, talk to him again and let him know your proposed timeline and you can discuss. Do you have plans to move to the same place anytime soon?

Post # 6
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So last summer he said “within the year.” Then a few months later he says “we’ll get engaged IF you move here” or “within a few months if i move there.” And a few months after that he refuses to even discuss the subject.

This does not seem like a positive trajectory bee, but I wonder if some key info is missing. What happened after the convo a few months ago when he indicated that one of you needed to move to be with the other before engagement? Did he explain why that was important to him? Do either of you have plans to move to be with the other? NYC and NJ isn’t a huge distance…why after five years haven’t you found a way to be in the same location? (Not asking judgmentally…just trying to get a better read on the situation.)

Post # 10
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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oxbellissima3xo :  Woof. Based on your other posts, I would sit down with him and have a real conversation. And then if your timelines don’t match up, it might be time to move on. I know that’s harsh! But given his attitude about the engagement, you could be waiting another 5 years!

That makes me nervous. Sorry lady! Keep us posted :o)

Post # 11
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

5 years is a really long time (at least for me) to not be engaged. I don’t know if I would call Jersey and NYC long distance though. I am also in an LDR, but even if we lived in the same city we’d probably mostly only see each other on the weekends anyway since we are both busy with work and other stuff (online classes for him, other stuff for me). 

Is the reason he is holding off specifically because he feels like you should end the long distance first before getting engaged, or is he just lazy/waiting to get his financials in order/not really a planner? Talk to him and out the real reason.

Post # 13
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Rather than “bringing up getting married next August,” I think you need to have an actual heart-to-heart with him about what he truly wants. Just point blank ask him where he wants the relationship to go, and what timeframe he wants that to happen in. You have expressed what YOU want, now let him have a chance to tell you what he really wants. The fact that he has been waffling from “within a year” to “only if we live together first”…and yet neither of you have plans at all at this point to even move to the same state, let alone live together…does definitely make me question how serious he is about marrying you. It sounds like he’s comfortable in the relationship but not really ready to take it to the next level yet.

Your job is to figure out what needs to happen for him to BE ready…and to do that you need to have a very honest convo. The convo cannot simply be you saying “August seems like a nice month to get married in!” and him meekly nodding in agreement and then changing the subject. You really need to push him to be HONEST with you about where his head is on this subject.

I have to say though, if living together is a condition for engagement for him, then why isn’t he pushing for that? Why isn’t he applying for jobs in NJ, or encouraging you to move to NY, or thinking of some other plan? Why after 5 years together and at age 30 and 32, are you still living in separate states? 

It’s worrying that you are the one who keeps pushing to move forward in the relationship…he doesn’t seem to be taking much initiative other than vague declarations that it would be nice to live together (while doing zero to make that actually happen). It doesn’t really sound like moving forward in the relationship is a priority for him from what you’ve written.

 

Post # 14
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ok, so he has said in the past that he is good with a August 2018 wedding and that he plans to propose summer of 2017? You were OK with that, but now you are doubting that this will happen because of the other restrictions he has posed to engagement (living together, etc.). Is that right?

I think you need to talk about what parts of the timeline are crucial to both of you. For instance, you can agree that moving in together is an immediate goal, but that regardless of when this happens, your timeline for engagement does not extend beyond September 2017 (or whatever). That way, you can be working on moving in together, etc., without worrying that it will drag out the engagement indefinitely. See what he says to that.

Post # 15
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have much for advice. I just wanted to say I’m in a LDR’as well, and you’re not alone. We live 1300+ miles apart and have been together for 4 years. I’m in the same boat on waiting for a proposal. I hope everything works out for you 🙂

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