- 5 years ago
Hello bees! Sorry this is so long!
So I’m hoping for some advice here because I feel like I’m losing my mind. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I’m 21 and in undergrad, he’s 27 and in grad school. We’re both pretty busy with school as you could imagine plus I have two part-time jobs. Last semester (Fall 2014) was our first time being in a long-distance relationship (he’s about five hours away) and it was very hard. I was almost always upset about him being gone, and I sounded like a broken record when we talked because I was always saying how much I missed him. So this caused some fights between us because he felt that I was trying to get him to leave school and come home (which I was not trying to do). He didn’t feel like I was supporting him while I didn’t feel that he was supporting our relationship. Eventually, over our winter breaks, we went on a week break because our fighting came to a head. We came back into the relationship and there were a few bumps getting back into things, but we were otherwise fine. I even worked on my communication skills so as to not blame him for things and to also not take all the blame myself (which happened from time to time).
Everything was fine until a few weeks ago. This semester, I haven’t really been missing my boyfriend, and I haven’t been feeling any butterflies with him for over six months now. I get excited to talk with him on the phone, but our conversations are always about his day and my day and not much else. Whenever I try to bring up relationship stuff or discuss a feeling that I have, he thinks that I’m trying to start something when I’m honestly just trying to tell him how I feel. Whenever I ask him what he means when he says something, he assumes I’m reading into things. Which I’m not. I have to explain to him that when I ask him that, I’m trying to understand him or I’m trying to get more information. He tends to back off after that, but he gets really defensive, which is probably a left over feeling from before our break.
Then I tried to ask him about a five-year plan because, while I’m still young, I am starting to look towards my future. I don’t want to get engaged anytime soon because I know I/we couldn’t afford it, so I’m fine with just dating. But my boyfriend took this as an ultimatum, that my five-year plan was what we were doing. And I said no, absolutely not, and asked him for his five-year plan only to have him say he didn’t have one except for school (finish his Master’s degree, start his PhD). He told me that I’m young and that I shouldn’t rush into things, which was frustrating because he started undergrad late (he went into the Army first) so he thinks that I have to wait as well to do things. I often find him comparing our life experiences and thinking that I’m naive because I haven’t done half the things he’s done. Albiet that’s true, but we’re still two different people. So we got into a fight over this future stuff because it felt like I wasn’t a part of his future and he was saying that I was and it turned into this whole mess that I didn’t want. The next few days after, there was some resentment between us. He said he was sorry about how he acted, and I apologized, too, and things felt better.
Skip to yesterday morning when I texted him something sexy. Usually, he texts back right away with something cute or funny, but he didn’t text back. He apologized for not texting back, and I said that it was okay, that I was just disappointed. I don’t know why I used that word because I wasn’t even disappointed, I was more surprised than anything. His responses to things that we used to do have been changing and it feels weird often when he responds differently than how he used to…if that makes sense. Anyway, he told me that it was not something to get disappointed about, that he was busy (which I wish he would have said from the start because I hadn’t realized he was that busy), and then proceeded to say that I get so easily upset with him and that I’m hard to deal with. And that hurt. When I tried to defend myself, he told me he didn’t have time “for this shit” and went to leave before coming back fifteen minutes later to apologize.
It just feels so different between us and I feel like there is still resentment between us. Whenever I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling, he has to say that I’m making him feel guilty or that he doesn’t know how to help me. I’ve also tried to tell him that I need more verbal affection since I’m more of a physical affection person and I can’t get that, but he says I’m asking too much of him when I ask for more compliments (which he gives me a lot, but they’re usually about my butt or he just says I’m cute) or when I ask him to use my name more than the pet name he’s given me (which is “hun”). I feel like I’m at wits end because I do love him, but I can’t tell if this is romantic love or platonic love anymore. I don’t particularly want to break up with him because I can’t see myself without out but I wonder if I can even see a future for us together anymore. And the thought of him with another girl makes me pretty sad. But he is my first boyfriend, so I am left wondering if there is anything better out there for me because we do have a wonderful relationship when we’re together. I just feel like he needs to work on his communication skills like I did, but I’m scared to even suggest it to him. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just a build up of stress that is getting to both of us, and I am PMSing (he likes to blame my moods and feelings on PMS a lot). I’m just tired to feeling the blame on me and I’m tired of him assuming what I’m thinking or feeling based on how I was before our break. I do have anxiety problems, and I do have a highly sensitive personality, so maybe that adds to it? I realize that relationships can’t be changed overnight, but something’s got to give with my boyfriend and I.
So I guess I’m asking for 1) advice on what to do (preferablly not to break up with him, but we’ll see), and 2) is it okay to go through periods of highs and lows of feeling in love with someone? Do I have to feel butterflies all the time or most of the time?
EDIT: I should add that he always tells me he loves me and that he cares about me. He’s also good at reassuring me that things are fine, but sometimes it feels like things aren’t fine to me which makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by hmeyer15.