- 5 years ago
So I warn you ladies this will be long but if you could read it I would appreciate it very much!
Background: I am 23, moved to a new city last July for my first big girl job after college. My family lives 2 hours north from me; and my college town is about 2 hours south of me (friends and boyfriend live there). My other close friend lives about 1hr30min West of me. Long story short… I have no friends where I live aside from a co-worker I grab drinks with sometimes. My weekly routine consists of work, going home staying in and occasionally visiting my boyfriend during the week when I miss him too much, and on weekends I rotate between family, boyfriend and friends.
I met my boyfriend last August back in my college town while visiting friends. He is 23 as well, in his last year of college and so far things have been pretty good. He’s sweet, responsible and I really love him. Although I do feel I visit him more than he visits me (because I tend to go during weekdays sometimes, and when he comes it’s mostly during a weekend) He does feel bad, but I understand because if I go on a weekday and drive back for work in the morning, I leave his place at 5:40am. If he does that he would leave at 4am because he has military training from our college every day at 6am. He has done it in the past, but only a few times.
So to my issue.. I am feeling needy!! And I hate it!! When I hang out with him I am fine and I feel safe and secure in our relationship. Then I come home and the first day back I am fine… by Tuesday I feel sad if we cant talk long in the morning, I want him to text me, etc etc etc.. I have asked him if I am too needy and he just chuckles and says “no, my love.” But deep down I know I could be less needy. I think it could be because I am generally insecure, and I have this irrational fear that if he doesn’t hear from me enough he will “forget me”. Like if I don’t contact HIM he won’t contact me. And I can’t say I have gone a day without any contact. We usually at least do a small morning and a small night chat at the least. But usually have more small chats in between.
I do admit a few weeks ago he was neglecting me a little more and I had a serious talk with him and he apologized saying he wasn’t giving me the attention I deserve and he would try harder. In a way he has, and believe me he is sweet and caring but yet once we get off the phone I miss him again!! I’m frustrating myself, I try to entertain myself with Netflix, etc. and I still deep down feel anxious about the next time he will call and how long it’ll take, and if it takes a while I start worrying he won’t call that day anymore unless I call him. So it’s like I want him to reach out to me, yet I don’t give him the chance because I usually call him first. (He does call me too, don’t get me wrong, it’s just more me needing constant contact after days of not seeing him…)
So what is wrong with me!? I don’t want to address this to him much anymore because I already told him I need him to stay in touch, and he does for the most part. But he is the type of guy that if he is doing a task, like homework or studying that is all he focuses on till he is done, and I am more easily distracted. Even if I am next to him, if he is doing homework he is focused! Which is good! But when I am not there and I am 2 hours away I feel neglected.
Also, he is taking 21 credit hours this semester and soon will start a weekend job as a cashier since he is too busy to work during the week, except on Fridays where he only has his morning training.
Honestly, as I ask the question I feel silly and selfish, like I should understand more, but when I’m not venting, I feel anxious again, wondering if he would even text or call if I didn’t reach out first (yet I have a hard time controlling myself to test if my assumption is correct and wait to see how long it takes him.)
I need help or advice or even just to hear that I am not as weird as I think I am. I really love this guy, and although we’ve only been dating close to 6 months, I know this relationship could be a good one and I don’t want to spoil it. (Which also makes me needy, like “can’t let him go” needy… sigh)
Regarding his seriousness towards me, he is open about his feelings, we have discussed marriage and he is somewhat in the fence when it comes to settling down anytime soon which I understand since he is still in college, and we are only 23. But he knows I’m not looking to date “just for the heck of it” so he has told me he sees potential in us for something that could lead to marriage in the future. He got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months before meeting me, so he is trying to take things somewhat slow in that sense, but has introduced me to his family, friends and he has also met my parents and siblings.
So ladies, help? Maybe I just need some tough love, a little slap to come to my senses and stop being so damn needy and anxious! How do I make the voices in my head that feel insecure and that I will be abandoned stop? Sometimes I wonder if it’s my spidey senses kicking in, but I mean, he answers when I call and even if we only talk for a little, very rarely does he sound annoyed or frustrated about me calling him so much! So he CAN be understanding, I just don’t want to push it..
also I notice when i spend time with friends who come see me at times, it is easier to get my mind off of this, because i am busy, but when i go home and im alone all i can think of is about wanting to talk to him, or skype or something! it makes me annoyed with myself!!
Thanks for reading!!
Ps. I have had 3 boyfriends before. 2 I was never needy with AT ALL, quite the opposite, and the third was a bit more serious and I only got needy at the end wfelt things went downhill and I felt insecure.. I also have a tendency to think too much and get lost in my thoughts, and become fixated on something… When it worries me.