Post # 1
Hi LDR sisters! Sooooo, the guy I am in an LDR with is looking for a new job. He is originally from the place where I live and when we first started dating he told me his plan was to come back here eventually. Well, it seems he is casting a wider net and is also interviewing at jobs that are in the same state as I am but still a several hour plane ride away.
I want to be supportive of his career and don’t want to seem pushy since we’ve only been dating for a few months but of course it’s my preference for him to find a job here (I am land locked because of work/kids for the next few years). He does note that his preference is still to come back to my area (because it is his home, not sure if it has anything to do with me, although on a few occasions he says things for the sake of possibly comforting me like “don’t worry, it’s just an interview, i don’t know if i will like it blah blah blah).
Should I communicate this? If so, how do I do this without seeming too pushy/needy? Or should I just let it be?
help a girl out! sigh, why is this so hard? :p
Post # 4
@gut_feeling: Hi! 🙂 Soooo Darling Husband and I were kind of in a reverse situation. I put him through 5 years of long distance while I was away for graduate school. At first, I said I would just be gone for 2 years to do a masters degree, and when the 2 years rolled around, I had “doctorate degree fever” – that was a really tough conversation to have. He was really disappointed, and he made sure to tell me so – but I guess, in the end, I still went on and finished my degree. I think the general idea is that telling your SO how you feel about things is important – even if it’s a little scary.
Post # 5
I was once in a LDR with my current Fiance (we now live together again)…Proof that LDRs can work and eventually lead to living a “normal” life together!
He was laid off from his former job in the city that we met in and immediately used that as an opportunity to come to where I am. Had he not chosen that path, I can honestly say I think we would have broken up and would not be together.
It’s one thing to be stuck in the job you’re in, but to go out seeking new jobs that aren’t where your LDR SO is, seems a bit like an indication of his thoughts on the relationship overall (IMO).
Post # 6
@pengoala: yay! happy LDR ending! 🙂 hmm, yeah i guess there is a difference between expressing how the situation makes me feel and what i want. i guess it would make sense to talk about the feelings. it is super scary though, i don’t know how open to be because i don’t want to seem like a crazy woman who thinks to much – but i recognize that everyone is going to have feelings regardless of how reasonable it is.
@phillybride61513: yeah, i know. we haven’t been going out for long but it has been an intense relationship. it is still very early so i don’t know if it would make sense for us to really be planning our lives around each other. i actually just did a job search recently and couldn’t move where he is because i have kids. it’s complicated and crappy. i do however see that we can really only solidify our relationship if we were physically in the same place (we started out LDR, actually we started out not dating..we just met on the internet and were friends). i guess i will just see what he decides to do.
Post # 7
any other advice is appreciated 🙂
Post # 8
@gut_feeling: I was going to give you advice, but I realized that truly I would never entertain the idea of a LDR. So it would be unfair. I am sorry you’re going through this and I wish you luck!
Post # 9
I think by this you can kind of infer where you stand in this relationship. That said my Darling Husband works 2 hours from me and we don’t see each other every day.. And we are both happy.
Post # 10
Right now it seems like he’s prioritizing finding a good job over the relationship (perhaps not knowing your thoughts or how much you want him to live closer?) and after only a few months that’s probably exactly what my SO and I would have done.
For what it’s worth my boyfriend even after almost three years (the last two years of which have been long distance) is only considering grad schools that are about 15 hrs train or car and two flights away. It’s not because he loves me any less or our relationship isn’t important but because it’s the best thing for him and his field of study.
I guess you could tell him something like “My hope is that you find a job you love closer so that we can see each other more and not have to be long distance” but honestly I’d leave it at that.
You only just started dating and I don’t really think that it’d be fair for you to do/say anything more than that considering that you yourself are completely unable to move (of course due to perfectly understandable reasons).
Post # 11
@Captain013: I don’t think I know where I stand just yet nor do I really have a 100% feeling about this guy. I think this is because we actually have a very different dynamic in person vs LDR – we seem to learn a lot more about each other in person that we don’t see online. Given that things are moving kind of slow despite the fact that we are videochatting everyday. He’s actually been pretty positive about us but we seem to get much closer when we see each other in person. He lives across the country so we’ve only met twice despite dating for a few months.
To be fair I may have been really insensitive when I was looking for a job since my situation is a bit more complicated and I was wrapped up in my own stress which I know upset him. I may have unknowingly set up a bit of a bad dynamic in regards to job searches.
@FEDORAble: Thank you so much for your words, they are very comforting and help me put things in perspective. I agree that I don’t have much say in whathe should choose to do just yet since we just met a few months ago. I worked my ass off for my career and while I appreciate someone caring/giving some supportive advice I would be hardpressed to choose to move somewhere for a person if things weren’t super solid yet. That said the guy is from where I live so I would hope that his family as well as me being here might make it attractive enough for him to consider this more strongly – which is what he seems to be doing.
That said, he is in somewhat of a niche field so the opportunities to develop his career are not that common. My career is also very difficult to navigate (and requires a LOT of partner understanding, not to mention the whole kids thing) so I guess perhaps now is a time to just let it be and ride it out…see what happens.
I think I will tell him how it makes me feel but not really ask for anything at this point and we will explore as we go.
Thanks for all of your advice! I love to hear more perspectives so any other words of wisdom are appreciated.
Post # 13
I don’t think I would worry about any of this after only dating a couple of months.I say that you should get to know eachother better first.If he is the one, you can work out the major issues later. Good luck!
Post # 14
@gut_feeling: I encountered these similar awkward things early on in my LDR, too! Well, first of all, I must explain that I moved to MA from TX for a summer internship and met my FH. We spent two wonderful summer months together….and then I had to go back to school in TX. Obviously it was traumatic and awful, but about 3 weeks into dating we decided we’d give a LDR a go.
So, at about the 4 months of dating mark (2 months together, 2 months LDR), there came the same thing–both of us kind of casting our nets wide for jobs, discussing the possibility that we could “just end up in the same city.” But, of course, I knew this wasn’t realistic and I knew I would just rather us pick one city and make it work. So, after a lot of awkward beating around the bush and a bit of a fight, we decided then and there that we would coordinate our lives to be together. And now we’re getting engaged.
So, I guess what I’m saying is….either you know/are willing to bet early on that things are important enough in the relationship and you’re willing to move your location to make it more, or you don’t just don’t quite feel comfortable enough to do it early on. The first type of LDR is rare, but wonderful.
Tell your SO how you feel, and explain that you know it’s early but you’re upset at the idea of him moving ever further away. Although the timing isn’t the best, this may be the first big decision point in your relationship.
Post # 15
@kellmerr: sounds like a great idea, i wish i could be more “chill” hehe
@memleyxx: that was brave, i’m glad it worked out for you! 🙂 unfortunately i feel like this is all on the guy at this point as i can’t make any choices because of/in order to be with him. i will definitely (gingerly) tell him how i feel some time soon. i imagine i should let things play out a little longer first and let him explore his options, gather information so he can make real decisions.
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House
Being engaged to a man that I have never (read: NEVER) lived closer that a 4 hour drive from, I think I have some room to talk/give advice.
We have never lived in the same place, met through a friend in a place neither of us lived, and started keeping in contact. Less than a month later (come to find out…) he told his mother I was the woman he was going to marry. Our parents also live 3 states apart…we have no common ground.
Moral of the story: if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Whether he is in the same city or not. Since I’m not sure how old you are, what your life situation is, how soon you would like to get married, etc, I can’t be sure really how else to advise you. You are more than welcome to send me a message, but I think that if he wants to be with you, he will make it happen.
**My practical self has to add one note: not sure what industry he is in or where you live, but times are tough out there! If he is trying to move closer, regardless, he is probably wise to cast a wider net. Just a thought. 🙂