(Closed) LDR problems

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Hmmm. There seem to be a few issues here.

1. You think he’s not as excited about moving to be with you I think that makes sense especially if you ahve seta  date when he will be moving and that date is approaching, he might be scared! I would suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

2. He gets up and leaves the conversation while you are talking. This is a big no-no. I feel like I would love to know how often you talk and for how long. I don’t use skype because the of the internet issues (freezing, etc) and because internet chatting feels casual to me in a way that phone chatting does not. If you two were friends instant messaging it would be fine for him to get up and do something, maybe he does not realize that the rules should be different. I would try to calmly voice that you would like to have his undivided attention when the 2 of you talk.

3. He feels you don’t talk to him the same way/He gets defensive. Are you using “I feel” statements? For example, instead of “Why would you get off the phone right now? Don’t you care??” you might say “I don’t feel very important when you get off the phone in the middle of a conversation.” Those can sound  less accusatory. Also, if he brings up something you do, be a model of non-defensive reactions. Literally, he could say “Well, the sky is ORANGE” and you would say “Ok, I get that you think the sky is orange. I’m having some trouble because I think the sky is blue. Can we talk this out?”

4. He turns down skype dates to hang out with other people. This is probably related to how much he talks and how long the talking takes. I would tread carefully here because I would never want my SO to “miss out” on life to talk to me, unless I needed him for some emotional reason on that specific occasion.

Hope I helped!!

 

 

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@WilfredAllen:  glad that it helped! it is really good to vent sometimes. you seem like you have your head on straight, i’m sure you’ll get through this!

Post # 6
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’m sorry you’re frustrated. I would be too. Communication in an LDR can be such a pain, and we all have break downs in the process sometimes!

On the point of him moving… you have to understand he’s stresseed. In my LDR I am the one who is moving, and let me tell you, it scares the crap out of me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to go through with it or that I don’t adore and want to spend the rest of my life with my SO – it just means moving is scary! It is a big change in life, and there is a lot of uncertainty. Be patient with him and try to assure yourself he’s still committed to this, even if he’s nervous.

And if he is planning to move soon, that might be way he is spending time with his other family and friends. This might be his last chance to do so on a whim, and he needs to have that opportunity. I wouldn’t take it as a slight against you – he is moving to be with you after all! That is some serious love right there.

Just do your best to calmly tell him what your needs are – how often you’d like to talk/Skype, and any verbal reassurance. That is a big thing for me, and I think anyone in an LDR – we lack a lot of physical reassurance, so sometimes we just need our SOs to flat out tell us we’re loved and valued. Let him know you need that!

So be patient, do your best to communicate (easier said than done!), and ride out this rough patch. I’m sure he’s just stressed, assuming there are no other red flags. 🙂

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