(Closed) LDR Rules? Timeline Talk?

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
2755 posts
Sugar bee

I think, especially due to your ages and life experience, you have every right to know if he sees long-term potential and a marriage from your relationship. You should talk to him and just say that you’re nervous about where things are going in light of this anticipated long distance and would like some reassurance.

Post # 4
624 posts
Busy bee

I really think honesty is the best policy here.  You need to talk openly with your boyfriend – tell him how you feel and where you want the relationship to go and how you see it working.  Hopefully he will be thinking along the same lines.  If he isn’t then you will know it isn’t the relationship that you want it to be.

This is not the time to be playing games or following rules.  I really hope it is good news for you xx

Post # 5
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree that you should honestly discuss where this relationship is going.  However, if you both end up agreeing that you want to make it work, I would encourage you to set guidelines for your LDR.  My Darling Husband and I were in an LDR for the first two years of our relationship and the “rules” were very important to keeping us together and working towards the end goal of living in the same town and getting married.  We knew he would only be in grad school (2 hours away) for 2 years and knowing it had an “end date” made things so much easier.  Our “rules” weren’t anything intense but we agreed to rotate on who had to drive on the weekends and made sure whoever went to bed first called the other one before they went to sleep.  We texted and gchated when we could too to keep each other informed about the little things in your day that you miss out on when you live far apart.  Above all, we were flexible with each other and understood that the “rules” had to be flexible too.  Good luck!  If it’s meant to work out and you’re meant to be together, there isn’t anything you can do to mess it up!

Post # 6
342 posts
Helper bee

I had to do it too. At about the 9-10mo mark, I had to tell him that either our relationship is going to progress (ie you move up here), or it’s going to end. I didn’t want it to end at all, but I’m also in a place in my life, that it’s either going to happen or not. I’m divorced, with 2 kids, and 40yrs old, so it’s like i have to ponder over what I want. It was a hard conversation. Consequently, he moved up here. Has been here for a month and I feel like we can finally move forward.

LDR can’t last forever, and I think a timeline is neccessary. There’s only so far a relationship can go, long distance. You deserve to know.

Post # 7
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Before my relationship begun, we knew that we will face LDR soon because he was about to get his PhD and I was less than half done. When he asked me to be his girl friend, he wanted to make sure that I will seriously consider about marriage. And he was clear about that he doesn’t want a casual relationship. I appreciated so much, and we’ve been dating really great.

But a few months ago, suddenly all my friends got engaged or married. I felt terrible about he hasn’t prosed yet – it was around our first anniversary that we couldn’t spend together. I’m terrible at relationship talking – I know how to avoid because that’s all I did before I met him but now I don’t know how to start the conversation. Thankfully he’s pretty good at that and I really appreciate that he occasionally brings the issue and checks timelines and plans.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend might be like me. I always thought my Boyfriend or Best Friend is a great husband material, I’m always honest with him but I still don’t know how to start the conversation. So I appreciate SOOO much that he brings the talk. You definitely deserve to know and it’s so imporant. Moreover, maybe he’s hoping you’ll bring the question and he will really thank you brining the question.

Post # 9
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m 9 years older than my fiancée (31 and 22) and we began as a long distance couple.  We met when I was 27 and she was 18, when I was on a business trip in Atlanta.  For a while she lived in Atlanta, and then she moved back to her family home in Detroit when she decided not to continue her graduate studies in Atlanta.  At the time, I lived in Vancouver, BC, and she lived in Detroit.  Her parents felt that the fact that she lived in their house gave them the right to control every part of her life, so when she was sick of that, since she wasn’t working at the time, she was going to go stay with friends back in Atlanta.  I was 29, and we still had the conversation that I really didn’t think that another 2 or 3 or an infinite number of years spent “figuring it out” was fair to me.  I want to have a family, and I would like to start in my mid thirties.  This was difficult to get through, and, at 20, it was difficult for her to understand my perspective.  The conversation had to happen a few times before she opened up to say that she was scared of moving her whole life out to the west coast for me because she didn’t want to be stuck out here if we broke up.  My point being 

The end result is that we agreed she should move nearer me.  Problem is, of course, she’s American, and can’t work in Canada.  So she works and lives just across the border; that was in September 2010.

So, she came out to stay with me for a while, while she found a job in nearby Bellingham, WA, where she now lives and works.  This is 45 minutes away, if the border is clear, but often 1.5 hours away because of a long border wait.  We find it funny when people call what we have now an LDR, and tell them they have no idea what a real LDR is.

So, these things can work.  I, personally, think you’re past the point where you need ground rules for seeing each other.  2 hours isn’t so far that, if you really need to see him, one of you can’t just get in the car and go.  Something we do – less now, but we did more early on – is meet half way for a date.  I also think you have every right to know if he sees this relationship moving toward marriage and a lifetime together.

Have the conversation, but be willing to have it more than once, and be willing to have it in snippets over the course of several days or weeks, and really try to make it about where do WE want this to go.  I wish we had had it more from that perspective than we did.  It got very difficult when we were discussing it and a couple of times I scared her into thinking I was breaking up with her.  I think you should have this conversation whether he gets the job or not – but I’d wait until after he finds out.  Just don’t add something else to stress him out or distract him during the selection process.

I tried really hard not to ramble, lol.  Short version:
-After the job question is resolved, have the conversation, but be patient with it.
-2 hours isn’t as far as you think it is, once you get used to the driving.
-You don’t need rules – if you don’t make the effort to see each other, what does that tell you?
– It can work out.  We’re getting married!

oh and don’t forget – SKYPE IS YOUR FRIEND!

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