LDR – uncertainty about the next meeting and feeling alone

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I’m sure you feel like it’s very real, but alarm bells are ringing over you sending him and his family money having met him only once. 

Post # 3
Member
693 posts
Busy bee

Please stop sending him money. Seriously. This is a text book example of fraud. 

Post # 4
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

You should break up with him. There is no future in this relationship. Try to make friends near where you are. 

Post # 5
Member
5045 posts
Bee Keeper

I am sorry to say but there are huge red flags. Where online? And what country is he in and what country are you in? 

Stop sending money firstly. I know its hard, but this situation has a lot of red flags and him threatening suicide is a huge red flag for manipulation. In the chance that he is suicidal please contact his family or depending  on the country the authorities to make sure he’s safe. I say depending on the county because some countries criminalize suicide attempts. 

Post # 6
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sweatergal007 :  wait what? You want her to contact the authorities in the hopes of him being criminalized for being suicidal?!

Post # 7
Member
5045 posts
Bee Keeper

abouttodoit17 :  uh not even close. I think she should contact the authorities for a welfare check if he’s NOT in one of those countries. Geez, I figured that was pretty obvious. 

Post # 9
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee

OP, you absolutely need to leave this guy. I have no idea about the money issue–if it’s fraud or not. But, yeah, you should stop sending him money at LEAST because you two are going to break up, because this isn’t healthy. 

Bee, it’s pretty clear that this relationship isn’t going anywhere, and even if it WERE to go somewhere, it sure sounds like that won’t be for many years. Do you want to be alone for many years? Also, yeah, he’s emotionally manipulating you. Anyone who threatens suicide in a relationship SHOULD NOT BE in a relationship. You’re getting a PhD, lady! Come on, smarten up! This isn’t normal, and you just passed up a great chance to be in a REAL, healthy relationship with a real person near you! You can kiss and make love and see him and have actual experiences together! 

This relationship isn’t for you. Break up–and his emotional problems are his own. NOT yours. Not at all. And then go ask out this new guy, please. 

Post # 10
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

lemonflower :  You are not in a real relationship for many reasons. Do not send him anymore money, find someone who is self sufficient. 

Please do not take on any of his problems going forward. 

Post # 11
Member
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

lemonflower : There are red flags all over the place. Threatening suicide is likely manipulative, bit on the chance it’s not, notify his family. Then cut all communication. Why even consider a future with someone with all these serious problems? 

This is not a LDR at all, it’s a “pen pal.” Frankly I would tell him there are too many issues and block him immediately., You certainly don’t owe this person exclusivity and you should not be sending money or pretending he is your Boyfriend or Best Friend. 

Post # 12
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Even if this didn’t sound like a major scam, which it absolutely does, he told you he doesn’t want to move abroad so what kind of future does this leave you? 

Post # 13
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

lemonflower : 

RED FLAG #1: You say that you offered him some money and he finally accepted and now you are helping him occasionally when he is asking.

He shouldn’t be asking you for money, period. And you shouldn’t be insisting either. You two are in no way in a close enough relationship to be sending money to each other. When you break up, you will regret this immensely. And yes, it does sound like a textbook scam. He tells you all his problems to get your sympathy, you “insist” he accept some help, he “declines,” and then when he “finally accepts” he makes more requests because why not.

RED FLAG #2: You say he threatens suicide if you leave him because he’s already depressed with his financial situation.

Again, it all leads back to the money. Even if he’s not outright saying that he’ll kill himself if you leave, he’s manipulating you and that’s emotional abuse. If he truly cared so much about you, he would either be letting you go so you can find someone who *can* be with you, or he would be doing whatever it takes to find a good job and help you with finding a job in his country too. He wouldn’t be guilting you into feeling like the cause of his suicide if he actually cared about you. Instead, he doesn’t want to leave his country because he’s too attached to it and his family. Okay, that’s his right. But what sacrifices is he making exactly for your relationship?

LDR relationships aren’t all fraud. I was in one too and I married him (but we met while I was abroad, not online) and it worked out. And you know what? He would never take my money.

In the past, I once loaned an ex a couple thousand dollars because he was struggling. It was a loan, not even free money like you gave. He declined but I insisted. Biggest mistake!

You know what happened after we broke up (over other issues)? After I got over him, I realized that I will never get any of that money back. And that angered me a lot, even more than any other part of the breakup.

You know there are already too many issues in this relationship. How will you feel if a few years from now you realize that you’ve wasted time and lots of money? You’ll likely feel used. I know I did.

Time heals all wounds. But it doesn’t refill your bank account.

Post # 14
Member
10944 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

lemonflower :  

What in the hell am I reading *now*?

Stop sending money, for gawd’s sake.  If you honestly think it makes some kind of sense to send money to this guy—your family needs to stage an intervention and get you a court appointed guardian.

He threatens suicide?  Oh yeah, great bf material you’ve got there.  Next time he threatens suicide, call the local police in his community and let them handle it.

He will NOT wither away and die without you.

You are rejecting opportunities to engage with Real People in Real Life who are, presumably, not hitting you up for cash.  This is very unhealthy.

This whole “thing”—I’m not willing to call it a relationship, is crazy.  Get thee to therapy, Bee.  Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just get yourself to a competent therapist before you make one more move.

Post # 15
Member
6 posts
Newbee

yes, like other has said please stop sending them money, open ur eyes, there a lot if people love you for sure in real life.. so get a new theraphist who can help you, then date that new guy, give him a chance also he can help you fight ur problem right? then dump the LDR bf – I think he’s trying to scam you only.. 

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