(Closed) LDR Waiting, Discouraged. :(

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Anise: It’s great that you and your SO talk so openly about marriage and your future together.  It hurts me to hear that he would make a comment to you such as, “I don’t want to get engaged to a miserable person.”  Considering you are both still smoothing out the bumpier parts of your lives (adjusting to a LDR- which LDRs SUCK! :-), adjusting to a new job and city, etc ), I would do everything in your power to focus on making the most of your great job opportunity, and a guy who obviously loves you.  Focus on that, and the rest will happen.  But you will need to muster every ounce of patience you can find.  Don’t focus on the timeline of being engaged, focus on the goal of living in the same city again.  Things will get better.  Stay strong!

Post # 4
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My heart goes out to you!  I’m also in LDR.  I agree with Papillion23 about trying to focus on the positives of work and the opportunity that you have.  Your bf encouraged you to make the move and take the job so I’m sure he wouldn’t leave you in the lurch.  You’re young (my age) but we’re much more stable now than we were in our early 20s.  So, I’d give the engagement talk a break and focus on you for now.  // 

Post # 5
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Let it cool off for a bit.  I’m sorry about all you’re going through – I was exactly the same this year (and by last year I mean from January until 2 weeks ago).  My boyfriend has done a few of the same things yours has.  I can’t give any good advice, only to do what you can to take care of yourself and do things that make you happy.  I think LDRs can either make or break a relationship, and you guys are stressed, which is natural, but strong enough to be together still. 

Post # 6
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ah that sucks – it must be hard to be away from him and to not really know anyone where you are now. I would probably not mention engagement for a while, and just focus on the relationship. Him calling you a miserable person is a bit of a red flag for me though. I am sure you are going through a tough time in your life, but surely your partner is the person you should always be able to lean on to help get you through?

 

Post # 7
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am waiting in an LDR, too, and I totally understand that feeling that your SO is a bit passive (I feel like mine is too). I don’t think wanting that security that he’s going to be more than a boyfriend is strange… it’s definitely something I’m struggling with.

Post # 8
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think that focusing on all the things you are going to focus on is a good thing. LDRs are so much easier when both of you are enjoying the place you are at. Just because you like the new town doesn’t mean you like him less. Try and get out there a little more and enjoy the people and town. I’m sure his miserable person comment would have really hurt but sometimes brutal honesty is needed to get the ball rolling.

*hugs* I hope things turn around for you really soon, it just sounds like a rough patch to me.  

Post # 9
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

While calling you a miserable person was harsh, it must have been how he was feeling @ the time. In fact, most of what he’s said sounds pretty smart to me. It sounds like you’re in a slump in this new town, which is totally understandable. But if you’re truly in love w/your b/f & positive about your future, let that be the fuel you need to ensure that an LDR won’t be the case for much longer. Smile

You even made the comment that you’re depending on him too much right now & that you’re really down. He’s supposed to be there for you, sure, but can you truly expect him to be super excited about an engagement when you’re feeling sorry for yourself & generally negative? Not really. Do you have to be engaged to make the LDR work? Of course not.

… when I mentioned that I was tired of looking for the person I would spend my life with and have grand adventures with he said that I didn’t have to worry about looking anymore.

How is that comment supposed to make him feel? Instead of saying that you’re positive he’s the one for you & that you’re just getting antsy b/c you want to make it official, you simply state that you’re tired of looking for someone. Truthfully, I can see why he made the “crutch” comment. If he’s as passive as you say, it’s very possible he’s feeling even worse about things than he’s leading on.

Bottom line is, don’t even talk about an engagement right now. Focus on the relationship. He’s not going to want to get engaged when he feels the relationship is suffering @ all. Your plan for self-improvement is a great one. Do what you need to do to feel positive & good about yourself. Too many women get obsessed w/marriage. So much so that they get more depressed the longer they go w/out it. In turn, this pushes their SO’s further & further away. It’s up to you to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I wish you the best of luck! Just keep your chin up.

Post # 11
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Anise – You seem so well rounded! I’m glad you guys are on the mend.  Smile

Post # 12
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I’m giving you advice I’d give any of my friends, so I hope you don’t take offense. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to make any unnecessary sacrifices, but don’t stay just to spite him or anything. I’m not saying that would ever be the case, but if you hate Dallas, you should move, regardless of an engagement. Living in a place you don’t like will drain you, for sure!

He’s made it clear that he’s down to get married in the future, just so long as he feels the relationship is in great shape. Discuss w/him why he feels it isn’t & tell him to be honest. Maybe he considers the LDR to be a sort of test, almost? It’s okay to let a guy know you’re getting a little antsy, but mentioning biological clock & such all the time (not saying you are) is definitely a no-no. It sounds like things didn’t get off kilter ’til you moved, which is a very common issue. If you’re unhappy here, maybe he can hear it in your voice. Maybe he feels like you’re always down & that he’s expected to propose to make it all go away (hence the crutch comment). Maybe he feels like the relationship isn’t as strong as he thought if the distance is really affecting things.

I don’t know what your communication situation w/him is, obviously, but hey, if you’re ever feeling low about things, I’m down to meet up for coffee or something. I just moved here from Tulsa about six months ago, only it was to close the gap between my SO & myself. I love it here, actually. I’ve done the distance thing in two different long-term relationships. I know what a bummer it can be. I’m sure you’ve heard it, but you just have to make the best of the situation.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small & it enkindles the great. – Roger de Rabutin

If you can be patient & truly happy just being in a relationship w/him, I’m sure he’ll be willing to take it to the next level soon. Smile

Post # 13
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I can really relate to how you feel and it sounds like our situations have a lot in common.  I am also in a long distance relationship- 18 months ago I moved to a city I’m not really crazy about and where I don’t know many people to take advantage of a good career opportunity.  I trust my bf when he says he is going to marry me and that we are on the same page with our commitment level, but it is still so stressful having it not be official, and not knowing for sure when we will be back in the same city. 

So I know how hard it is to try to focus on making a life for yourself in a new city when your heart is somewhere else, and how that unhappiness can have detrimental effects on a relationship.  Feel free to message me if you want to discuss this further.  Hang in there!

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