- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
My bf and I have been dating for around 18 months, and have been doing things long-distance for around 6 months. I moved away for work; he encouraged me to find and take this new job and said that we could work things through. A month before I moved we went to a wedding where he got really drunk and blabbed that he thought about us getting engaged before I moved, which obviously didn’t happen.
Before I moved we had discussed getting married and had worked through one of those “questions to ask before you get married” books together, even if the book was targeted to a slightly different audience (we borrowed it from a friend and it was highly religious, but we got a laugh from it and bonded over that).
Things have been really tough for me after the move (I really don’t like the new town) and I’ve been leaning on him pretty heavily through all of that (probably too much now that I think about it). Over the holidays his younger sister got engaged (she claimed her wedding would be in two years, which is around when I thought my bf and I would be getting married). He seemed really happy about it and was googly-eyed at me for a couple days, but didn’t bring up us getting engaged eventually. Also during our holiday he was much more verbally affectionate that he has been in the past, which I really appreciated and enjoyed.
Before I left to go back home, we got into an argument about getting engaged. I asked him if he had thought about it. He said no, and when I asked him about it he said, “I don’t want to get engaged to a miserable person”, which really hurt!
After the argument he said that he didn’t want us getting married to be a crutch for whatever is wrong with our lives (I don’t feel that it will be, considering how our relationship was before I moved), and when I mentioned that I was tired of looking for the person I would spend my life with and have grand adventures with he said that I didn’t have to worry about looking anymore.
Our original plan when I moved away was to see if things still worked after 6 months and then start making plans to get back in the same town again. I asked him if we would be engaged in a year (so I could stop talking about getting married since it’s bothering both of us), and he said that seemed reasonable but also wasn’t really confidant in that.
We had a good chat the night I got back home, and when I mentioned that I was sad that our relationship doesn’t seem as good as it used to be he said that he still thought it was a good relationship. We haven’t chatted since then but he did send me and one of his friends a link to an interesting article last night (which I didn’t respond to). I kind of feel like he probably just wants some space and time to himself but I’m also kind of sad since I miss our chats. At the same time I’m starting to really focus on myself and have made plans to get a new beauty regimen, update my wardrobe, and figure out how to fit in more exercise (on top of my job and part-time graduate work).
My bf can be a bit passive at times, and I’m not sure what I will do if he’s still wishy-washy about getting engaged in a year (the whole discussion would have been on the table for about 18 months then). I’m young (28), but I’m worried about constantly waiting forever (it feels like jumping through hoops, which I hate). I already feel like a “husband fluffer”; most of my exes (including the more toxic ones) have gotten married. Most of our friends are getting married or having babies.
I just feel tired. I’m OK with having a long engagement; I just feel insecure having “just a boyfriend” over long distance for a long period of time. I don’t really feel like he’s more committed, which he’s dismissed when we talk about it.
Any other bees struggling through waiting in a LDR? Or with a great guy who just seems reluctant to make a commitment?