(Closed) LDR with kids?

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

I feel very strongly against parents putting themselves and their desires before their children’s well-being. I am a child of divorced parents, one of which moved away just like you’re considering doing, and I cannot explain to you my disgust with this parent. My younger siblings aren’t being raised by their parents, but rather by one of our parents (they are split between them) and their SO. Yes, they occasionally see their other parent, but in their mind their parents are the parent they are with and their parent’s SO. I’m not going to go into detail about the abandonment issues that I have had to deal with since I was a child (and yes, the parent that left still contacted/visited me!).

I am in a long distance relationship. I have been for years now. If you two are struggling to have a long distance relationship, what makes you think that he’s worth leaving your children for?

You deserve to have a relationship and happiness, but your kids deserve to have their mother there to raise them. They don’t deserve your abandonment. 

Not anywhere in your post did you mention how your children might feel if you told them you are going to leave them for your boyfriend because you just can’t possibly live without him, yet you can live just fine without them. Your children aren’t at the age where they are emotionally developed enough to understand it in any other way. 

Please don’t put your children through this. They need a mother to raise them, not just to visit when it’s convenient for her.

If this man is the one for you, you two will make it through this time. You two will find a way to make this work if you two truly love each other. 

Post # 4
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@FutureMrsHoneybee:  Where did you get the idea that she was planning to leave her kids behind? I read it as “I don’t know if I should move myself and my kids to this new place vs. keeping myself and my kids in their established home until the end of long distance.” Maybe I’m reading it wrong but I didn’t get the sense that she’s not thinking about her children in this situation given she’s laid out how clearly established they are in their current home, with their father actively involved, etc.

OP- maybe I misread your whole post and you *are* considering moving away from your children? I don’t think so, so I’m going to answer from a different perspective. I’m in a LDR with a man who is not my daughter’s bio father but is the only father figure she’s had outside of my own father. She and I live in one place (where my Fiance is from originally) while I go to graduate school and he is living in a different country pursuing a grad degree. We are planning to move out to him, but we don’t have the added complication of another involved parent and my Fiance is as actively involved a parent as he can be given the distance.

Given the uncertainty in your situation – he might get moved elsewhere soon, you’ve said he’s not ready to be a parent, etc – I personally would not move myself and my children knowing that things might change drastically. Your children have relationships with both you and their father, you and they have a support system in place where you are, and by staying you can provide your children with a level of security it seems can’t be promised if you all move.

I know it’s hard to decide how to balance these issues. It’s complicated when you have children to consider in these situations because their needs do need to placed above all else – but I don’t believe that means you need to be completely unhappy. It does, however, mean you need to make sacrifices from time to time (as I’m absolutely sure you know from experience).

Post # 5
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t agree with taking your kids away from their father. Beyond this, you would have to think about custody arrangements. How thrilled would your ex be to only see his kids for a few weeks every couple months (I’m guessing school holidays?). Could you afford the plane tickets so often? Would he fight your move in court?

I have a friend who went through something very similar (his ex-wife wanted to move 20 hrs away with their child) and she was told my a judge that she COULD NOT DO IT and keep custody unless my friend agreed.

I am sorry the toll this is taking on your relationship, but I think that having kids, he need to move to you.

Post # 6
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@kittyface: “I do not think that it would be the best idea for me to move my kids given their very established life here.”

^^

Post # 7
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@FutureMrsHoneybee:  Yeah, we took that totally differently – I interpreted it as “I don’t think it’s a good idea to move my family away from where we’ve always been, so I don’t think I should move” as opposed to how you interpreted it. The OP will have to weigh in about what her intentions are, I guess!

Post # 9
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think moving is not a viable option. Do LDR or end things. If its meant to be, your relationship will survive the LDR.

Post # 11
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@tenacity:  Just curious, how far behind you is your BF? Could you relocate/start your contracts together in a few years? I know I’m taking a year off between undergrad and graduate school because the only schools require moving and my Fiance is stuck here until he finishes law school. Putting your career on hold sucks, but I think it might make you happier in the long run. It means  keeping your kids where they are now, and having a point in time to look forward to when you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend can be at the same point in your careers and in the contract part together. Do they take marraige into consideration with the contracts? Could you tell them you’re ok going anywhere as long as you are with your husband (who is currently your BF)?

Post # 13
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@tenacity:  Ohhhhhhh. That update totally made me change my opinion.

I think that if the father is planning on moving anyways, and your job means that you likely wouldn’t stay there, then it would be acceptable to go. How would I do it? I would rank my current city as my first choice and bf’s city as second and let computer algorhythms and fate decide for me. If you have to make such a durastic life change, I think that being somewhere where you know someone will certainly help you out a lot (emotionally, in terms of taking care of kids, getting to know the area, introducing you to friends, etc).

As a child, it wouldn’t be fun or easy to move, but I can say from experience you move on and find new friends really quickly.

My only suggestion would be that if you do end up in the same state/city as your bf, find your own place. You have said that your relationship has been rocky at times, and you don’t want to subject your children to an unstable home and a move at the same time (not to say that your relationship will be rocky again, for sure, but seeing each other more often does change a relationship either for better or worse).

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Post # 15
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

What about option c – find a third location that you think would provide a positive environment for your children, and that your boyfriend would have a high likelihood of getting placed in also when he’s done? I don’t know what it is you do and what places you’re currently looking at, but i’m sure there are places that are less competitive to get into – maybe look into them and see if there’s any where you have family or friends, the community for school-aged children is good, and flights are cheap and short to both your boyfriend and your kids’ parents. This way your kids will only need to be uprooted once, and hopefully you’ll be able to minimize the LD part of your LDR. I think this might be especially good, since it sounds like even if you choose to be close to your boyfriend, you won’t really be all that close (a few hours away)

The topic ‘LDR with kids?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors