LDRs: Intimacy on the 2nd Date? Travelling 11 hours to see him.

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee

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arizonali :  Personally I dont care if I sound liked a debbie downer but…dude, common.  You went on one date with him and he lives 11 hours away.  Now you are thinking of going to his hometown and sleeping with him? People can be whoever they want to be on the phone and the internet. 

If you do go on with this crazy plan I hope you tell your friends and family where you are going..in case you don’t make it back. 

Post # 17
Member
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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arizonali :  Not to rain on your parade, but you are investing far more in this relationship than he is.  Your town may be “boring” but you are not – at first equal investment of time and effort seems fair (to me).    I second what others have said about looking into a hotel at first when you travel to see him.  And please consider your safety – it is very easy for someone to sound good.  It may be harder to maintain that in person.   That said, I wish you all the best!!  

Post # 18
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I COMPLETELY agree with VictorianChick and Astra.  You are putting the cart way in front of the horse here.  Great that you hit it off for one date and you talk on the phone all the time now.  BUT…today’s dating world is DRASTICALLY different than it was even 5 years ago.  Unfortunately you really have to be prepared and exercise extreme caution with any new dating scenario.  You really don’t know this dude at this point.

If you really are going to fork over thousands of dollars to go see this dude you’ve only met once, I would NOT stay at his place, I would stay at a hotel.  Go on DATES.  Like…go out to dinner, see the sights, go out for coffee and brunch.

I’m saying this as someone who went out with a guy for a first date and he seemed fine and the more I got to know him, the creepier he became.  I also have a multitude of creepy first, second, and third date stories…and those guys were local and I could drive home safely.  You will be putting yourself in a vulnerable state if you decide to go through with this trip.  What if things go south?  What if you realize that he isn’t the guy you got to know over the phone?  Believe it or not it IS possible for that to happen, and it happens a lot more often than you think.

If it sounds like I’m paranoid it’s because I am.  There are a LOT of things that could go wrong here, and I truly believe that you need to get your head out of the clouds and think about the risks of this situation.  Also…what do your family and friends think of this idea and this guy?  That matters.

Post # 19
Member
574 posts
Busy bee

A couple of people have hinted at this… but I feel strongly on this and am going to come right out and say it. Please, be careful – you COULD end up raped.

I was molested and raped. I had been on maybe 3-dates with the guy. He as a friend of my brother. We both worked at the same place. His brother was in the next room. Seemed totally trustworthy and safe. Now I have PTSD, and will have it for the rest of my life. It took living through a literal Hell for over 2 years with counciling for a year to gain some control of my life back.

Bottom line, no matter how great the guy is, the risk isn’t worth it. If he is the ONE. He will understand that and won’t be offened that you are causios.

Post # 20
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

For me personally, I would wait to get to know someone a bit better before having sex with him. I have friends who have been in the dating scene for years and they have all had quite a few “I really like him, we text everyday, he’s awesome!” guy they sleep with early on and then find out more about him, and things end. If that wouldn’t bother you, that’s fine, but it would bother me. Worse still is when th guy is super interested in them, then falls off the face of the Earth after sex.

I believe you can’t learn much about a guy through texting and talking on the phone. You need to have a bunch of different real life interactions. 

Also, why are you dating someone who is a 9 hour flight away? Just curious how that happened.

Post # 22
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

I agree with 

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patchm :  . This is very risky, and not worth it. Please stay in a hotel. I don’t have an opinion on the timeline for intimacy, but I do think that the second date is way too early to stay over for a week, even if it wasn’t in a foreign country.

Paying for your trip and hosting you may seem like nice things to do. But they also create a power imbalance that puts you at risk. What happens if his attitude shifts late at night, after some wine, when you’re alone on his turf? I hate that things work this way, but I’ve read too many stories about guys who feel entitled to sex after spending $$ on dinner.

I hope he’s great and that the trip goes well. But I strongly think you need to spring for your own hotel room. You can still spend time together every day, and become intimate if that’s what you choose.

Like others have said, the risk just isn’t worth it.

patchm : I’m so sorry to read about what happened. Sending you hugs and support on your mission to get control back.

Post # 24
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

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arizonali :  What country does he live in? You really can’t find someone you can connect with who lives closer to home? If I were you, I would keep my options open and date some guys who live nearby, too. I can’t imagine this guy who lives so far away and you barely know can be worth so much.

Post # 25
Member
11434 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Download location tracker and turn it on for your friends and family while you’re on this trip. Sure, he might be a nice guy, but you’re going to a diff country and you don’t even know him. 

Not safe. Not something a girl who values herself does (not talking about the sex here, just the visit to another country staying with him for a week after 1 date). Sorry to be harsh, I just don’t think this sends a good message. He should get you a hotel room at the very least. 

Post # 26
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I met my husband online during his first deployment. We talked for 6 months. Technically, we slept together the first day we “met” even! It was truly the most romantic night ever. Been together for 5 years and now married happily. Good luck and enjoy yourself!

Post # 27
Member
3892 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

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arizonali :  My husband and I got intimate on our second date. Granted, we had a little more history seeing as we had met months prior at a concert, then he found me on social media and we chatted for a while, then had our first coffee date and then the dinner date. I wouldn’t judge you for it, but I would be concerned about safety a little bit more. I understand that sometimes you feel a connection with someone and it just feels right – I think most of us rely on our intuition and feel we’ll pick up on something if it isn’t right, but you just never know. I was in a similar situation except the roles reversed, I met someone online who flew out to my city for a couple days. He stayed at a hotel and I picked him up each day and showed him around. And I realized that I definitely liked him as more of a friend. Now, it helps that you’ve actually had an in-person interaction with this man, but still… Imagine if things don’t really go as planned. You don’t want to be “trapped” because you’re staying in his home. At the very least, make sure your family/friends know where you are and the nature of your visit, and keep in regular contact with them. Best of luck!

Post # 28
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

My fiancé and I talked on the phone (750 miles apart, 12 hr drive) every single day for three straight weeks, so much that we racked up the phone hours like none other. We are talking like three hours a night. We fell in love with each other before we even met in person. That being said, we met in person before I was to have some pretty serious and awful surgery on my bday too! He drove up to see me before. That was really our “first date” you could say. We met at a bar before I joined him at his family’s guest house, where he was staying for the few days. Needless to say it wasn’t awkward or odd for us, it was natural and it felt right and we got engaged two and a half months later. We felt as though we knew each other forever and still feel that way.

Post # 29
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

I had a similar “first date” situation with my now Fiance. We had met a few times in college but a few years later we really met out at a bar in my hometown when he was home visiting family that lived nearby. At the time he was living on the other side of the country. We talked and texted for a few months before he offered to fly me out to visit him. At the time he was living with a roomate and didn’t have a guest room. I knew I’d be sharing a room with him and it just felt right to I went for it the first night I was there. I don’t regret it at all and I don’t think I came off as promiscious or anything. 

 

Post # 30
Member
7634 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Lol, Darling Husband and I slept together on our second date and got married just over 2 yrs later. That said, there are def guys who will judge you for being “easy” like that – even thoughh they are hypocritically just as easy. But if he’s one of those, better to find that out now so you can dump his ass.

I will say as a word of caution that you are putting enormous pressure on this thing with a second date in a foreign country that will last a full week. I mean I’m not saying don’t do it…I guess you don’t really have another option…but maybe could you have a backup plan if it doesn’t go well? is there somewhere else you could stay if you need to get some space from him? Or could you get  an earlier flight back if shit hits the fan?

I also hope that if this progresses he will be willing to visit you sometimes in your hometown even though it’s not as exciting of a place as his. With such a massive distance, both partners really need to be willing to make the effort to see each other so the burden isn’t just falling on one of you.

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