- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
This is part vent, part confessional and part cautionary tale. It may be long so buckle in.
My guy’s guys decided they were going to take him to Las Vegas for his bachelor party. I had a twinge when he told me (scenes from Hangover ran through my head) and initially wasn’t too comfortable but I love my guy and wanted him to have a great bachelor party and big blowout with his friends so he went with my blessing.
At first, when I was going through the twinge phase, I did ask that it be a stripper free weekend and he agreed. But then, my rational mind asserted itself and I figured it wasn’t a big deal – that even though I wasn’t crazy about the idea, it was a bachelor party rite of passage so I said okay to a strip club but I did ask one thing – and that was that they didn’t hire private strippers to come to the hotel room. My guy laughed like I was being silly and told me I was reading too much on line.
So guess what happened? Yep, his guys hired private strippers. Now, in my guy’s defense, he didn’t know anything about it – it was a surprise to him – but he also didn’t bother to communicate to his guys that that was off the table. Also to his credit, he told me the truth about it – after I asked him what had gone on and he tried to aviod the subject.
So, I was/am pretty upset. Everything I read about these private strippers was pretty raunchy and sometimes downright disgusting. Some of the things they offer,I would consider cheating (like bed dances, the whip cream game where the guy of honor licks whipped cream off a girls nipples and don’t even ask about “feed the kity” – its revolting).
So we’ve had two huge fights about this. My guy is by turn defensive stating nothing too wild went on and that “it was a BACHELOR PARTY!” and part of him, I think, gets that this is incredibly hurtful to me, particularly since it was the ONE thing I asked that he not do.
In retrospect, I regret not asking him to communicate this to the guys but I also didn’t think I needed too (my guy acted like it was so out of the question) and I guess he didn’t think he needed too either but one of us should have. So girls, if there is something you strongly object too when it comes to the bachelor party – talk it over with your guy and ask that he clearly communicates to his guys what is off limits. I didn’t and now I really, really regret it.
I’m also really angry and resentful of just how utterly disrespectful this was to me and to our upcoming marriage. I really resent that we as women are made to feel like controlling shrews if we don’t send our guys off with a sweet kiss and “Enjoy the strippers, honey!” kind of attitude. That we’re not cool if we’re not down with our guy having naughty time with a sex worker. Why is some naked stranger crawling all over my fiance’ supposed to be okay? Why is him doing a body shot off some girl supposed to be so harmless?
I’m also angry at his friends and his brother – the guys who arranged all this and who are standing up with us on our wedding day! I’m particularly upset with his brother because I feel pretty certain he knew full well I wouldn’t be okay with that sort of thing but he did it anyway and I think he’s an a&&hole for it. I’m angry at my fiance for not saying no when he realized what was going on. I’m angry that guys are SO worried about how they look to their friends – about being cool and above all not whipped – as if respecting your fiance means you’re controlled by her.
I’m not sure where I’m going with all this. Ultimately, its not a deal breaker by any means but it is very, very painful and infuriating. I know I have to “let it go” as there really isn’t any other alternative but how do you do that? I can’t keep beating my guy up for what happened but I also don’t know that I can just shrug my shoulders and say, “oh well” because this IS a big deal to me.
And how do I act around his brother and friends now? Part of me knows its best to just leave it alone but part of me wants them to know how much trouble they caused and how upset and insulted I am by what they did.
I also wonder about the future – I mean, he has other friends and relatives that will have bachelor parties and now I don’t trust what will happen but I also know he will resent me if I don’t want him to go.
Can someone explainto me why we women get put in this position or why its become accepted that guys do this to celebrate an upcoming wedding? Am I the only one who thinks this is insane?
Lastly, if you’re the type of woman whose cool with strippers – good for you. I won’t judge you for it but please don’t lecture me or try to persuade me that this is no big deal please.