(Closed) Learn From My Mistake – The Bachelor Party

posted 10 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 33
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree with you too. My husband wouldn’t want naked men rubbing themselves up against me- I expect the same consideration and respect in return. This is a statement you should make to your fiance so in the future he speaks up for himself- you shouldn’t have to ask for him to give you the same consideration you give him.

 

lol.. I’m getting angry with your fiance too.

Post # 34
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

This is really interesting to read and I think if I hadn’t witnessed something a few months ago, I wouldn’t completely understand. I always assumed that when guy’s have a private stripper it would be similar to when girl’s have one (I’ve never seen a male stripper, private or in a club but I’m assuming). Girl’s I think, mostly find it funny and amusing to have a stripper. They don’t really get aroused or anything like that. Now I thought it was similar for guys in that a girl just does a slutty dance and the guys watch. Boy was I wrong.

I was at a bachelorette party in Charleston this spring and there was a bachelor party at a house next to us. They invited us over to play beer pong and we debated about going but then after about 10 min. we decided it would be fun. So we show up at the front door which was open, walk in, and there is a stripper going to town! I think she still had underwear on at this point but some of us went down to their basement with some of the guys (including the groom) who didn’t want to be a part of the stripper madness, but I went up later to use the restroom or something and she was still there, but completely naked and on top of a guy grinding all over him while he touched her!

I think what a lot of guys don’t understand is the complete double standard of it. They would be LIVID if we did this. So what I am quickly learning after 27 years (took me long enough) is that while I’m not 100% ok with strip clubs, I can deal with them. Private strippers…no way. Sure guys, do it with your single, pathetic friends who can’t get real girls. But to put a committed guy into a situation like that? Not cool.

Post # 35
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I hate, hate, hate when people use “tradition” as a rationale for doing something that will hurt someone.

Your feelings are completely, totally, 100 per cent valid.

Post # 36
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I am really sorry that you’re dealing with this. I know that you are looking back and thinking that you should’ve told his groomsmen what the actual boundaries were, but you trusted them as much as you trusted your Fiance. It will be very difficult to just let it go, but in future bachelor parties, you need to make it clear what offends you vs. what you’re ok with. I know that doesn’t heal the pain of what has already happened, but it will help you to “let” him go to future bachelor parties without looking like you’re controlling him to his friends.

My husband just went to a bachelor party last weekend, and even though he told me he’s not a fan of strip clubs, I specifically told him, no lap dances. My rule is not to do anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing in front of me. If you think I would be ok watching you lick whip cream off of another girl’s nipple, you have another thing coming pal. We do have a pretty good understanding of each other and what is ok vs. what is not ok, and we try to live our lives away from each other like that.

Again, I know that none of that helps where you are now, and it absolutely stinks that you’re in this situation. I would say something to his groomsmen to let them know that you’re disappointed that they felt it was ok to disrespect you the way they did. If they tell you it’s just normal “guy” stuff, ask them if they would be ok with their wives/girlfriends licking stuff off of guys’ body parts…my guess would be no. After you’ve had the discussion, don’t bring it up again. I don’t think that you can just completely ignore this with them…you’ll always hold this resentment towards them and your relationship won’t ever be the same with them.

Post # 38
Member
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

ok that article is insane.

Post # 39
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

reading that article made my stomach turn for a few reasons. 1) some men are just NOT who we think they are, and that scares the crap out of me. that man in the article became another person at his bachelor party, someone his Fiance did not know or could ever imagine. 2) some men seem to become said other person when they have other animals (ie- groomsmen) cheering them on. it makes me question my guy’s group of friends and wonder what they find to be acceptable behavior. you just never know. and 3) private party strippers are just plain nasty. skanky. disgusting. ew.

View original reply
@lisa105: thank you for sharing this. i’m glad your guy didn’t take it as far as the guy in the article did, but it’s all the same unacceptable behavior that women shouldn’t have to turn the other cheek to. you posting this reminded me of a convo i just had with a friend about the definition of cheating. she was in a similar situation as you, except her man was at a friend’s bachelor party. there was no feeding of the kitty, luckily, but he did get a little too touchy-feely for her liking, and she considered that as being unfaithful. he argued that he did nothing wrong, blah blah, no intercourse took place, his mouth went nowhere near her (skanky) body, just touched. and that wasn’t cheating, or being unfaithful, or wrong at all, he argued. whenever i hear about things like this, i think back to that movie with michelle pfeiffer and bruce willis- the story of us. have you seen it? it’s so cheesy, but it’s one of my faves. there’s one part where michelle is discussing with her girlfriends that she considers even an intimate conversation cheating. “once you establish anything truly intimate with another person, even talking, it has to affect the person you’re supposed to be the most intimate with”. i think it’s so important to lay out what you believe is grounds for cheating with your partner from the get-go. it’s not a fun topic to discuss, but it’s so important to communicate that. i’ve been cheated on in the past, in a situation where it was “just kissing, not cheating” (really? c’mon, man.) so i felt it was super important to fully explain what i feel constitutes as cheating with my bf. when i had the conversation with him when we first started dating, i wasn’t even thinking as far ahead as a bachelor party, i was just being neurotic and meant in general. but i definitely suggest all you girls out there to have a similar conversation with your dudes, just for general laying it out on the table purposes, and also pre-bachelor party. you never know what he may or may not consider as being unfaithful.

Post # 40
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m going to be perfectly honest; I don’t have an issue with strippers on a stage in front of lots of other people… lots of other nervous people. HOWEVER, I do have an issue with strippers who are in a PRIVATE hotel room trying to get my fiance to lick food items off them. There is a FINE LINE and your hubby’s friends crossed it. You have every right to be angry.

Post # 41
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

I would be ok with strippers at a distance, to me that’s a bit like reading a dirty magazine. that is if i knew in advance and it was a once off. all this touching the strippers and nastiness seems more like prostitution to me. Very different and not ok at all

Post # 42
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Strippers behind a closed door is never okay with me.  Ask your Fiance how he’d feel if it was the exact situation in reverse and the stripper was taking a body shot off you?  I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy…

Post # 43
Bee
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

I just wanted to weigh in and say I would totally be livid as well – um, licking whipped cream off another females nipples is totally cheating, imo.

Post # 44
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@lisa105: “I really resent that we as women are made to feel like controlling shrews if we don’t send our guys off with a sweet kiss and “Enjoy the strippers, honey!” kind of attitude.  That we’re not cool if we’re not down with our guy having naughty time with a sex worker.  Why is some naked stranger crawling all over my fiance’ supposed to be okay?  Why is him doing a body shot off some girl supposed to be so harmless?”

My thoughts exactly! I am so sorry that you and your FH are going through this but thank you for telling your story. I will make sure that I or my FH tell his friends where the line is.

View original reply
@dovelovesfalcon: Wow. Reading that article made me so sad and disgusted that some guys actually think like that.

Post # 45
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I agree that it also makes me mad that we are seen as not a cool girl if we are not okay with some stripper hanging all over our man, but I just ell my Fiance “Hey if you are going to a strip club, and it’s suppose to be okay, and I’m suppose to be alright with it, then I’m going to one too, and you have to be okay with it, because then you aren’t cool.” He laughs and says I have nothing to worry about, and he isn’t into it, and I believe him, but I don’t know what his friends are into, haha.

Post # 46
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Ugh I am so mad after reading this! I feel for you! Thank you for posting because Fiance and I have talked about the “no private strippers” rule, but I never even thought to consider making sure that the boys didn’t try to “surprise” him with it.

For me I told my Fiance that private strippers = no wedding. Maybe thats harsh, but I consider my Fiance even dancing with a strange woman to be cheating. If he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me being the ONLY woman he ever even touches then he can go kick rocks as far as I’m concerned.

I’m okay with my man going to the strip club in town, but I agree private strippers just spell a disaster. How can you ever really tell whose telling the truth anyway? I know my FI’s boys would never rat him out to me (unfortunately). I have to admit though I HATE strippers and I think I mostly just say I’m “okay” when really I’m not. That could partly be because the strip club here in town has a game they play to win a poster or magnet (of the naked stipper) where the stripper puts a shot glass in her *you know what* and guys are allowed to throw loonies and twoonies (Canada) to try to “sink one in.” THIS DISGUSTS ME.

I hope all is well with you and your man. All you can do now is move forward. I agree with the other girls that this should just be a learning experience for you to set clear ground rules. The past is the past..

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