Post # 1
Not sure if this should bug me but it really does. We are including kids at our wedding, I’ve come to terms with the accommodations we will need to make for kids, and will have kids activities and menu. We even scheduled the wedding 2 hours earlier because of kids (5 instead of 7).
My problem is, my sister-in-law keeps saying she is going to leave after cocktail hour to put the kids to bed. Her kids will be 3 and 5 years old by our wedding, and this will mean my brother will miss my first dance and speeches and the entire reception. I don’t have kids, but I feel like they can live through one late night or get a babysitter if it’s a problem. She also keeps telling me my fiance’s siblings won’t stay because they have babies. I just feel like, fiance and I were at everyone’s weddings and played huge supportive roles. Does our day not matter because you have kids? Shouldn’t she be able to adjust with the year long notice she got of their one late night at an event 20 minutes from their home? I guess I could post this in reddit as well… am I the asshole?
Post # 2
I think you’re making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. I didn’t even notice who left when at my wedding. I just had a good time with who I was with in the moment.
You can’t control what she does, all you can do is control your reaction. I would let this go because it really only hurts you to be upset about it.
Post # 3
Honestly, you just don’t get a say in the way she parents her kids. If that’s their routine, that’s their routine. Lots of parents have to leave weddings early/step out for a while to breastfeed, drop kids off somewhere, put their kids to bed, etc. Not focusing on it now, during the planning process, will be beneficial for you. You typically notice the people who *are* their during your wedding, not who’s absent–so much is going on. It’s just not a big deal if they have to duck out for a bit.
Post # 4
Why would your brother miss all this stuff because she is gone? If she wants to go and put the kids to bed, I think thats fine. If its a year away, they may also decide to get a baby sitter. I wouldnt stress about this for now.
Post # 5
Either way, it’s their call. I’m sure they’re fully aware that they could get a babysitter. If they don’t, it’s because they wanted to bring the kids and then leave early. And that’s their prerogative. As a PP mentioned, I have no idea who left my wedding when. I enjoyed myself and assumed others did the same and carried on. Not your issue to stress about, OP. Their kids, their choice.
Post # 6
Are they both leaving to put the kids to bed? That seems unnecessary. Can’t your brother stay while she puts the kids to bed?
If you’re close to your brother I can see you wanting him there for those things at the wedding, though ultimately it’s their choice what they do and you have to respect it.
Post # 7
It’s their choice but they literally tell me every chance they get that they aren’t coming and FH’s siblings won’t either because they have kids. It feels a little like being punished for our birth order. We only have 60 guests, so we will very likely notice who isn’t there. It’s just extremely hurtful to continue to remind me that my day doesn’t matter to you, do you know what I mean? If you’re leaving, fine, but she has brought up them leaving during every single conversation about my wedding and it’s very hurtful.
Post # 8
I don’t think it is something that you can start drama about, but I agree it is kind of strange. Once you have a baby you’re never allowed to be out of the house past 7PM? If a sibling’s wedding is not a good enough reason to get a babysitter, then when is? Also, just because she is leaving early because of kids does not mean that your fiance’s siblings will take the same route.
Just try to focus on you/your partner/your wedding, and don’t let her comments get to you.
Post # 9
You can ask her to stop. “SIL, you’ve mentioned this many times now and we understand your timeline. Is there a reason you keep bringing this up?”
Post # 10
Before I was a parent my friends with kids frequently warned me: you don’t mess with bedtime.
Now that I am a parent I can 100% confirm you don’t mess with bedtime if you kid is not a fantastic sleeper. Plus it’s easy for you to say that they can just get a babysitter but you don’t know what their nighttime routine is like. I have to lay down in bed with my kid every night until she falls asleep then she’s up multiple times a night most nights. Pre-kid I would have probably felt the same as you but on the other side I get what she’s saying.
But I don’t think it’s cool they keep bringing it up. I would probably tell her she’s made her point and ask if there is a reason she feels like she needs to constantly remind me.
Post # 11
I get what you all are saying and to let it go. It’s just a lot to be told that they can go to Hawaii twice a year with the kids and leave on a 2am flight, but can’t stay for my wedding. And not for nothing, we pushed the wedding back a year AND had to change the venue because of covid, it’s just a lot of frustration for one day. I know it is a lot for every bride but, planning it twice and having her belittle its importance is so hurtful. I appreciate you all listening to my rant, really I do!
Post # 12
I wouldn’t worry about it now but when the time comes around you can ask your brother if he could stay while she puts them to bed. I don’t see why both of them need to be there to put them to bed and imo it would be really crappy of her to ask him to come with her to put them to bed when she can do it for just one night.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t attend any wedding in 2020, even a sibling or best friend’s. Are you sure that this is not about the siblings being reluctant to attend the reception with their children or at all?
If the wedding is not in 2020, and assuming covid is no longer a threat, all else being equal I would agree and say it’s ridiculous of them not to try to find a babysitter. Some people simply won’t leave their children, but being that kids are invited, one late night never hurt anyone, as you point out with the flights. Parents can take turns and you could even hire a nanny to be in a nearby space. However, if your wedding is in 2020, who do you propose they have come to babysit during a pandemic? No one credible thinks it will be safe to host a traditional wedding by then.
Post # 14
It’s not in 2020, we pushed it to June 2021 and switched to an outdoor venue. And sadly it isn’t the pandemic. She’s been telling us since last summer she’s leaving early! Just feels rude! Thank you for agreeing about the babysitter for one night lol
Post # 15
Its just one person missing it. Why focus on one person when you can focus on the rest lf your family/friends who will be there?