Post # 31
I wouldn’t consider SIL a regular guest though she is married in and part of the immediate family now. A regular guest would be say a co worker you invited, that cousin you invited out of obligation that you see on holidays. I also don’t create a hierarchy of people in my life by calling them first degree people. These aren’t burns we are talking about (meaning 1st degree, 2nd degree, 3rd degree) these are people.
I agree with your point that SIL is going to have to get used to dad not being there to put the kids to bed some nights. That’s a valid point. I think OP could word it better than basically telling the SIL she isn’t as important as the rest of the family and maybe make a suggestion to BOTH of them, (not pull the brother aside like this is a big secret thing like one poster suggested, WTH) “Hey it would really mean a lot for the two of you to be at my reception as this is a once in the lifetime event and I’m going to be giving speeches I want you both to be present for is there anyway you can put the children bed to later for one night or reconsider getting a babysitter it would really mean a lot to me and my husband.” I think that may go over better than asking the SIL to just leave and do it by herself like she isn’t an important member of the family. I do see valid points in why OP is annoyed they can’t change things for one night.
Post # 32
Ehh…i think talking to the couple together would go over much better. It puts the brother in an awkward position what if SIL wants him there to help than he has to tell OP that and she gets upset. Or SIL gets upset OP went behind her back. I think stuff like this creates less drama if presented together to the couple. I know for me personally it irritates me when people approach my husband a lone to ask him something knowingly it effects both of us. I feel like people are trying to place him in a tough spot or to undermind the decision we came up with as a couple.
Post # 34
I would be super annoyed too!
i would jump at the chance to get a babysitter (especially since these children are toddlers not babies anymore ).
i don’t have siblings , but most of my friends got babysitters for their children and they told me they were happy to have a night off from the kids for my wedding . I would be very upset if a sibling wouldn’t be willing to stay and find a way to make it happen . There was a coworker who even had his mom babysit his 4 month old baby so he and his wife could attend a work holiday party . If you want it to happen, you make it happen. With that said , obviously she has her reasons whether it be she is that mom that has to be with her kids at all times or she doesn’t prioritize you or your wedding
Post # 35
your SIL is going to do what she’s going to do, so you just have to let it go. the world doesn’t revolve around her children’s bedtime schedule, but at the same time, if she wants to step out to bring her kids home, that’s her choice as well. i don’t see why your brother would have to go with her. i also wouldn’t make assumptions about what other siblings will do based on SIL’s unilateral statements.
if she keeps bringing it up, i would just cut her off by saying you understand she will have to leave, and no worries!
Post # 36
I was going to come in and say leave this one alone. But the fact that she keeps mentioning it is annoying. Next time just tell you “yes, you have already told me this. I promise I have not forgotten about it.” And if she says something about your FI’s siblings just say “they haven’t told us anything about having to leave early.” Just keep it simple. It sounds like she’s just trying to upset you. Don’t let her. Your wedding is almost a year away, plus who knows maybe the kids will be having a blast and they will end up staying longer.
Post # 37
I wouldn’t like being told repeatedly the same info. That part is definitely annoying and uncalled for.
I also wouldn’t make it about you, either. Look, it sucks. I have 2 kids of my own and 1 step– after about 6pm ALL of them are melting down at nuclear speeds. And when one is acting like an angel, the other one is being a giant turd and the other one is just sitting their soaking it all in, getting ready to be the next nights pain in the ass… I swear they rotate. So, going to events like weddings or church services or anywhere that requires some amount of behavior that is acceptable for the masses is hard to do late in the evening, even at 5p.
So yeah, it’s probably best that if she feels like the kids won’t “perform” well and will be overtired, cranky, stubborn, etc then its the best call that she dip out. I don’t know why they have opted to not get a sitter, some people don’t like using them and that’s fine. Try not to stress or think about it too much because it doesn’t sound like she is going to change her mind
Post # 38
I definitely wouldn’t want cranky toddlers at my wedding after their bedtime. As the parent of a toddler … you don’t want over tired beasts terrorizing your wedding lol. That said I agree it’s weird they can’t figure out a solution to at least let your brother stay at the wedding … why do both parents need to leave? That would annoy me too. Can you say something to your brother privately?
Post # 39
Yes, totally agree that SIL is being annoying and weird by repeating their intentions every chance she gets. Maybe she’s super anxious about it or something. Next time she says it, calmly and politely let her know you get the message and that you understand and will miss them.
Please do not talk to your brother about this alone. That puts him in a very awkward position. If you really feel that strongly, talk to them together as a couple. How would you feel if you and your Fiance had come to some difficult decision together then found out his sister was trying to talk him out of it behind your back? How much worse would it be if he decided to go with what she wanted instead of what y’all had decided? Or what if your brother instead gets mad at you for it?
Post # 40
Just a quite note on ‘why can’t you get a babysitter?’ Here’s a few whys
1) they are expensive – if I’m already paying travel, accommodation, outfit, gift and then extra for someone to watch the kid(s)….
2) family are my go to sitters, but they often get invited to the same weddings we do ….
3) my son is super shy …. he’d freak his shit if a stranger was suddenly putting him to bed and mummy and daddy weren’t there
4) I don’t trust a stranger to bath my kids and I don’t trust my kids to nicely go to bed without one
Post # 41
This is very weird. I would definitely say something the next time she brings it up. That you understand why she has to leave, but why is she bringing it up every time you see her? Do you have other issues from the past with her? Is she always like this?
Post # 42
Yup this! That’s what I was trying to get at when I was saying the whole you can’t tell other people what to do and how to parent when it comes to their children. Maybe they don’t have the funds to hire a babysitter or maybe they don’t trust any person to watch their children. In this day abd age there are some crazies and sickos out there who will do or say anything to get access to children and considering this is a sibling’s wedding all close family would be at the wedding so having a family member babysit is not an option.
Post # 43
“Until I had my baby, I didn’t feel I could comment on parents acting like the world revolves around them just because they have kids. But now that I do, I find that parents that act like that are often are just kind of selfish and are using the kids as an excuse. “
This! Sorry but I raised two kids to adulthood and there are some times that you just have to face that bedtime is going to be delayed. Or get a sitter ffs. I really don’t like people act like this because they all seem to want things to go their way all the time and dont care about anyone else’s feelings. Using their kids to get out of staying at the wedding – when you’ve adjusted the time to be more amenable to their kids – well that’s just selfish. I had two kids who didnt sleep and thats just part of parenting. No one is telling them “how to parent” but someone should tell them not to be so self-centered. The bedtime routine is not going to fall apart because the kids were put down an hour or two later. And don’t even get me started on those parents who wont let anyone else watch their kids…
Post # 44
I’m not a parent, but it seems super weird to me that she’s harping on about this ELEVEN MONTHS in advance. Like, surely sleep routines change over the course of eleven months? They could practice getting the kids to sleep with just mom so that dad could stay there (as it’s ONE night)? It sounds to me like she’s trying to make a scene.
Post # 45
It seems kinda strange to me, particularly because she keeps telling you, and informing you of what other parents will/won’t do. It would annoy me, just because of that.
As for not staying, I have a three year old, and I would probably stay as long as there weren’t any issues. Some kids can handle staying up a little later, but might get a bit hyper because of being over-tired. I’d just wing it, but that’s me. Ultimately, what other parents choose is up to them.