Post # 46
I think it’s weird that she’s going on about it. And I do think that it would be worth a discussion with your brother to let him know how important it is to you that he’s there for the speeches; that doesn’t seem like too much to ask. But I’d probably leave it until nearer the time; you never know, maybe she’ll change her mind.
Other than that I’d let it go. We had children at our wedding and the parents varied massively in their approach. Some decided not to bring the kids at all, even though we’d invited them, and enjoy a night off. Some left after the ceremony, others after dinner/first dance, or at various points through the evening. A few little ones stayed almost until the end (midnight!)
We had one family who planned to take their kids home after the ceremony and then come back later without the kids (leaving them with a sitter). But turns out that the kids had a meltdown and once it was sorted it was too late to make it worth coming back. These things happen.
Post # 47
Just a word about the points on a sitter… my brother is a millionaire… they have the funds lol. I get your points about not trusting a stranger. I have never and will never tell her to just get a sitter. I invited my nephews becaue I want them to be there! It’s the repeatedly mentioning it and the fact that I know they break their children’s schedules for other things that is annoying… and projecting that my in laws will do the same. The fact is, when it’s important to them like a vacation, they figure it out. They traveled to Shanghai and left the kids with her parents. They go to Hawaii twice a year and bring the kids on the plane… it’s not that they just can’t get a sitter or figure it out, it’s that it’s not important enough to them to do so, which hurts. I understand that it’s not a priority, she’s made that very clear, but continually reminding me that it isn’t important by telling me at least once a month really hurts. I’ve planned the wedding twice now and lost all our deposits because of covid, it’s stressful enough without her telling me how unimportant it is to her, and telling me that essentially it won’t be important to my in laws either.
Almost as hurtful as when I was originally a bridesmaid at her wedding and she kicked me out of the party because of numbers! One of my brother’s groomsmen mentioned 2 weeks before that he woudn’t be able to make it, so I got kicked out of the bridal party to keep numbers even. I was only 19 and not the most attentive bridesmaid in the world, I had never been to a wedding and lived 3 hours a way, but I attended everything and helped anyway I could! That’s just a note about whether or not there’s other beef. I didn’t matter at her wedding or at mine, clearly lol.
Post # 48
I don’t think it’s that weird that she wants to leave early to put her kids to bed, and as a parent, I really dislike when someone tells me I should ‘just get a sitter’. There are a multitude of reasons why this is not practical for me and it really grinds my gears when someone suggests this to me as though getting a sitter is as easy as ordering pizza takeout.
All that said, if the event is truly 20 min away from their house, I don’t see why brother couldn’t get an Uber home or a ride with someone else. If the drive was say, an hour or two, I could see why she wouldn’t want to drive home alone with the kids, but 20 min does seem rather uneventful.
And if for whatever reason that wouldn’t work, also agree there is no need for SIL to continually remind you of this, as well as continue to tell you that she predicts a lot of your in laws will act the same.
I would say she’s belaboring a point, but not really sure what that is. Kids are invited, the wedding was moved up to accommodate their schedules, what more could she want? It is not at all unusual to have an evening wedding so not really sure why she’s acting like this is such a huge imposition on guests with young kids.
Post # 49
I also just want to say again, thank you so much for reading this and offering your opinions. I don’t want to sound ungrateful! I get that I’ll never understand until I have my own kids, I get it. It’s just the incessantly subtely putting me down about having her AND my brother leave and saying that others will do the same.
Post # 50
I understand your point about saying, “just get a sitter.” I have never and will never tell her to do that with her kids, and I’m not trying to tell her what to do. I’m just ranting on here about the frustration with it and implyng the whole family unit will need to leave. We had and engagement brunch and the bachelorette and bridal shower are all brunch time as well to accommodate guests with kids. I feel like we should be able to have an evening wedding without constantly being reminded that we’re a burden.
Post # 51
Reasons why you can’t get a babysitter:
1) The OP said her brother and SIL live 20 minutes away from the wedding venue, so they’re not paying for travel and accommodation. Surely they can spare a few dollars to hire a sitter for one night (especially if they can afford family vacations to Hawaii).
2) Family won’t always be available to babysit your kids.
3) I was a shy kid and I was very attached to my mother when I was little (she referred to me as a “stage 5 clinger”), and yes, I was sometimes upset when my parents went out and left us with a babysitter. But you know what? I survived. Kids eventually have to learn to be away from their parents for a little while. I also had a meltdown on my first day of preschool when my mother left the building, but I still had to go to school. I learned to cope, as all kids do. The SIL’s kids will be 3 and 5 by the time of the wedding. That’s old enough to go to school and have a stranger take care of them all day, so they can manage with a babysitter.
4) Then don’t ask the babysitter to give your kids a bath. Either give the kids a bath before you leave for the night, or let them skip the bath for one night. If they won’t go to bed nicely without one, oh well, I guess the kids will still be awake when you get home. Not the end of the world.
There’s no reason parents can’t adjust and make plans for their kids for one night so they can attend a sibling’s wedding. If the SIL keeps insisting that the OP’s wedding is such a huge burden for her and anyone else with kids (despite everything OP has done to accommodate them), it’s because she just doesn’t want to go to the wedding. She has her reasons, I’m sure, she’s just using her kids as an excuse.
Post # 52
care to take the judgement tone down a bit?
I was talking in general terms regarding the whole ‘just get a sitter’ comments not necessarily just for this situation.
1) Parents in general might not be able to afford a sitter.
2) some people have no option but to use family (see point 1)
3) yes some kids are shy and they have to learn. Forcing my 3 year old to separate for me for his education – worth it, forcing him to have a melt down so I can go to a wedding (in general) not worth it.
4) ok, I’ll rephrase for general use. I don’t trust a stranger to do x for my child, and not doing x will be a problem.
Parents have every right to decide what is and isn’t doable for them.
min op’s situation, sis in law doesn’t need to keep going on about it.
Post # 53
If she truly has told you more than once she’ll have to leave early (let alone multiple times beyond that!) than she is being a bitch, plain and simple. Not much you can do though. I don’t think it’s unreasonable you are annoyed.
ETA: I like the suggestion from the previous page, if she mentions it again, of just being like, Karen, you’ve brought this up every time we’ve talked in the last month. Is there a reason you keep mentioning it? I understand not everyone can stay past the cocktail hour.
Post # 54
random people talking to one of you and not both, sure. But you seriously would get annoyed if your husband’s sibling talked to him about something without you present? Yeesh. I have tons of conversations and make tons of initial plans with just my sister, and my husband does with his siblings as well. I don’t expect to be present and part of every single family-plan conversation he has with them. I appreciate him handling it for both of us, I fact. I think it’s really strange to think that your spouse shouldn’t talk to their siblings about something without you present 🤨
Post # 55
I think I might feel differently if they weren’t coming at all and blaming it on the children. For me, the ceremony is the biggest part.
I can’t even keep count of the times I’ve left an event early for my kids. It happens, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My kiddos come first. FH and I also tend to move as a unit, especially when it comes to the kids. We don’t do babysitters, outside of family. We have a bunch of kids on both sides of our family and I wouldn’t be bothered at all if anyone decided to dip out after the ceremony/early for the sake of their littles.
Also, a late night not only effects children, but the parents who still have to wake up bright and early and parent the next day.
Post # 56
Some people with kids think that they’re better than anybody who doesn’t have them and that you’re not a real adult until you have kids. I might get heat on here for this but it’s true. As someone who never plans to have kids, I try not to surround myself by people who completely neglect every other person in their life and relationship besides their kids. It’s a bizarre habit of america’s culture of parenting. They’ll regret it one day when the kids are teenagers and they realize that they don’t have any friends. Your wedding day matters and you’re literally asking them to be there for you. I think they’re being rude and ridiculous, it’s one night! Send them to her parents house or let them stay up at the party – if they’re tired they’ll fall asleep somewhere. That’s what parents from every Latin/European/south Asian culture do and their kids turn out fine.
Post # 57
I have kids, and to be honest, I use the “I can’t get a sitter” or “I need to put them to bed” excuse when it’s something I just don’t want to do. If the event is important, I find a way to make it work. Yes, they may not get a good night’s sleep and be a cranky mess the next day that I’ll have to deal with, but I’m willing to sacrifice my convenience for an event as important as a siblings wedding.
ultimately though, she’s made her decision and there’s not much you can do about it. If she keeps bringing it up just try to ignore her.
Post # 58
are you European? I’m guessing not as if you were you’d know that Europe is a vast continent filled with many cultures. As a European, living in Europe I can tell you that not ‘every European’ culture lets the kids fall asleep in the corner at weddings. We have bedtimes here too.
Post # 59
I’m used to kids being in weddings….family is really important culturally in my cirlces. So I find all these comments about not being able to go to weddings due to having kids so strange.
If she and the brother can’t stay until after the first dance because they (a) can’t trust ANYONE to watch their kids for a night and (b) absolutely cannot have their kids out past bedtime, doesn’t that imply they basically CANNOT leave the house at night without their kids until the kids are in their teens/tweens? Are you really telling me that they never have date nights, go to workplace events/parties, never have any time alone outside of the house at night for the next ten years? Never take the kids out at night past 7, for holidays or county fairs or ANYTHING?
Sorry but I don’t buy it. No one is that precious about their kids. If they are it sounds pretty unhealthy. They (or maybe just SIL) clearly have another issue with you, maybe she doesn’t like you for whatever reason.
Post # 60
You know that I didn’t mean you can never have a literal conversation with your sibling without your spouse/their spouse present. I meant to have a convo about something that was already discussed. SIL clearly stated she didn’t feel comfortable going the babysitting route so it’s odd that you would then go behind her back..yes in that case it would irritate me