Leaving Early for Kids

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think it’s weird that she’s going on about it. And I do think that it would be worth a discussion with your brother to let him know how important it is to you that he’s there for the speeches; that doesn’t seem like too much to ask. But I’d probably leave it until nearer the time; you never know, maybe she’ll change her mind. 

Other than that I’d let it go. We had children at our wedding and the parents varied massively in their approach. Some decided not to bring the kids at all, even though we’d invited them, and enjoy a night off. Some left after the ceremony, others after dinner/first dance, or at various points through the evening. A few little ones stayed almost until the end (midnight!)

We had one family who planned to take their kids home after the ceremony and then come back later without the kids (leaving them with a sitter). But turns out that the kids had a meltdown and once it was sorted it was too late to make it worth coming back. These things happen.

Post # 48
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think it’s that weird that she wants to leave early to put her kids to bed, and as a parent, I really dislike when someone tells me I should ‘just get a sitter’. There are a multitude of reasons why this is not practical for me and it really grinds my gears when someone suggests this to me as though getting a sitter is as easy as ordering pizza takeout.

 

All that said, if the event is truly 20 min away from their house, I don’t see why brother couldn’t get an Uber home or a ride with someone else. If the drive was say, an hour or two, I could see why she wouldn’t want to drive home alone with the kids, but 20 min does seem rather uneventful.

 

And if for whatever reason that wouldn’t work, also agree there is no need for SIL to continually remind you of this, as well as continue to tell you that she predicts a lot of your in laws will act the same.

 

I would say she’s belaboring a point, but not really sure what that is. Kids are invited, the wedding was moved up to accommodate their schedules, what more could she want? It is not at all unusual to have an evening wedding so not really sure why she’s acting like this is such a huge imposition on guests with young kids.

Post # 51
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

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@Twizbe:  Reasons why you can’t get a babysitter:

1) The OP said her brother and SIL live 20 minutes away from the wedding venue, so they’re not paying for travel and accommodation. Surely they can spare a few dollars to hire a sitter for one night (especially if they can afford family vacations to Hawaii).

2) Family won’t always be available to babysit your kids.

3) I was a shy kid and I was very attached to my mother when I was little (she referred to me as a “stage 5 clinger”), and yes, I was sometimes upset when my parents went out and left us with a babysitter. But you know what? I survived. Kids eventually have to learn to be away from their parents for a little while. I also had a meltdown on my first day of preschool when my mother left the building, but I still had to go to school. I learned to cope, as all kids do. The SIL’s kids will be 3 and 5 by the time of the wedding. That’s old enough to go to school and have a stranger take care of them all day, so they can manage with a babysitter.

4) Then don’t ask the babysitter to give your kids a bath. Either give the kids a bath before you leave for the night, or let them skip the bath for one night. If they won’t go to bed nicely without one, oh well, I guess the kids will still be awake when you get home. Not the end of the world.

There’s no reason parents can’t adjust and make plans for their kids for one night so they can attend a sibling’s wedding. If the SIL keeps insisting that the OP’s wedding is such a huge burden for her and anyone else with kids (despite everything OP has done to accommodate them), it’s because she just doesn’t want to go to the wedding. She has her reasons, I’m sure, she’s just using her kids as an excuse.

Post # 52
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@cypresstree85:  care to take the judgement tone down a bit? 

I was talking in general terms regarding the whole ‘just get a sitter’ comments not necessarily just for this situation. 

So again 

1) Parents in general might not be able to afford a sitter.

2) some people have no option but to use family (see point 1)

3) yes some kids are shy and they have to learn. Forcing my 3 year old to separate for me for his education – worth it, forcing him to have a melt down so I can go to a wedding (in general) not worth it.

4) ok, I’ll rephrase for general use. I don’t trust a stranger to do x for my child, and not doing x will be a problem.

Parents have every right to decide what is and isn’t doable for them. 

min op’s situation, sis in law doesn’t need to keep going on about it.

Post # 53
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@futurekaufman:  If she truly has told you more than once she’ll have to leave early (let alone multiple times beyond that!) than she is being a bitch, plain and simple. Not much you can do though. I don’t think it’s unreasonable you are annoyed.

 

ETA: I like the suggestion from the previous page, if she mentions it again, of just being like, Karen, you’ve brought this up every time we’ve talked in the last month. Is there a reason you keep mentioning it? I understand not everyone can stay past the cocktail hour.

Post # 54
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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@soexcited123: 

random people talking to one of you and not both, sure. But you seriously would get annoyed if your husband’s sibling talked to him about something without you present? Yeesh. I have tons of conversations and make tons of initial plans with just my sister, and my husband does with his siblings as well. I don’t expect to be present and part of every single family-plan conversation he has with them. I appreciate him handling it for both of us, I fact.  I think it’s really strange to think that your spouse shouldn’t talk to their siblings about something without you present 🤨

Post # 55
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I think I might feel differently if they weren’t coming at all and blaming it on the children. For me, the ceremony is the biggest part. 

I can’t even keep count of the times I’ve left an event early for my kids. It happens, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My kiddos come first. FH and I also tend to move as a unit, especially when it comes to the kids. We don’t do babysitters, outside of family. We have a bunch of kids on both sides of our family and I wouldn’t be bothered at all if anyone decided to dip out after the ceremony/early for the sake of their littles. 

Also, a late night not only effects children, but the parents who still have to wake up bright and early and parent the next day. 

 

Post # 56
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Some people with kids think that they’re better than anybody who doesn’t have them and that you’re not a real adult until you have kids. I might get heat on here for this but it’s true. As someone who never plans to have kids, I try not to surround myself by people who completely neglect every other person in their life and relationship besides their kids. It’s a bizarre habit of america’s culture of parenting. They’ll regret it one day when the kids are teenagers and they realize that they don’t have any friends. Your wedding day matters and you’re literally asking them to be there for you. I think they’re being rude and ridiculous, it’s one night! Send them to her parents house or let them stay up at the party – if they’re tired they’ll fall asleep somewhere. That’s what parents from every Latin/European/south Asian culture do and their kids turn out fine. 

Post # 57
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

I have kids, and to be honest, I use the “I can’t get a sitter” or “I need to put them to bed” excuse when it’s something I just don’t want to do. If the event is important, I find a way to make it work. Yes, they may not get a good night’s sleep and be a cranky mess the next day that I’ll have to deal with, but I’m willing to sacrifice my convenience for an event as important as a siblings wedding.

ultimately though, she’s made her decision and there’s not much you can do about it. If she keeps bringing it up just try to ignore her.

Post # 58
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@denverbee:  are you European? I’m guessing not as if you were you’d know that Europe is a vast continent filled with many cultures. As a European, living in Europe I can tell you that not ‘every European’ culture lets the kids fall asleep in the corner at weddings. We have bedtimes here too. 

Post # 59
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

I’m used to kids being in weddings….family is really important culturally in my cirlces. So I find all these comments about not being able to go to weddings due to having kids so strange.

If she and the brother can’t stay until after the first dance because they (a) can’t trust ANYONE to watch their kids for a night and (b) absolutely cannot have their kids out past bedtime, doesn’t that imply they basically CANNOT leave the house at night without their kids until the kids are in their teens/tweens? Are you really telling me that they never have date nights, go to workplace events/parties, never have any time alone outside of the house at night for the next ten years? Never take the kids out at night past 7, for holidays or county fairs or ANYTHING?

Sorry but I don’t buy it. No one is that precious about their kids. If they are it sounds pretty unhealthy. They (or maybe just SIL) clearly have another issue with you, maybe she doesn’t like you for whatever reason. 

Post # 60
Member
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
@KittyYogi:  You know that I didn’t mean you can never have a literal conversation with your sibling without your spouse/their spouse present. I meant to have a convo about something that was already discussed. SIL clearly stated she didn’t feel comfortable going the babysitting route so it’s odd that you would then go behind her back..yes in that case it would irritate me

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