(Closed) Leaving somewhere you love for spouse's job

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper

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LadyCapricorn :  Of course it’s hard to leave a place you’ve been and where you’ve made goals for yourself.  My husband and I both wound up doing this and made our home somewhere I never imagined.  I miss my family sometimes, he misses his more (they’re just closer knit than we are).  But we’re doing fine and enjoying our life anyway.

Make a list of pros and cons to moving.  Personally I had enough cons to California that my husband knew that was on my “never” list and didn’t try to get me to move to him there.  Likewise he got to write off the entire east coast (when my dream was to live in WV).  Just because your wife has been offered this job doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right choice for you as a couple.  Both make the lists for each location and see how it pans out.  It may be that it’s illogical to move even if that is her dream – the bay area is prohibitively expensive.  But if you do, remember there are 4-legged friends everywhere and if that’s all your worried about, you’ll surely be okay in the long run.

I guess I’m saying you can be supportive but still be sensible as well.  Don’t just dive in for her sake alone. Determine what’s truly the best for you as a pair.  It may be somewhere else altogether. (we wound up in New Mexico, right in the desert when I planned on buying the side of a mountain) Remember, you both deserve happiness.

Post # 3
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Have you discussed what moving would actually entail and whether it’s the best choice for you as a couple? That wasn’t clear from your post. Would a move be permanent or once she has a few years of experience might it be possible to move back?

My husband is planning on a career change in the next year. If he’s accepted, he won’t get a choice in where he gets sent. I love the town we live in and there are many areas of this country that I love a lot less. Moving would also be complicated for me in terms of work. But probably within 5 years we could move back. And this career change will enable him to do what he”s passionate about. So if he gets sent elsewhere, we’ll find a way to make it work for the short term.

Post # 4
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I really think you need to discuss what is best for both of you as a couple. That might mean she needs to turn down this job offer. Maybe it’ll mean being long distance for a bit. Maybe it’ll mean you move there temporarily and agree to move back in a few years. Maybe you should both be applying for jobs in other places that you can agree on.

What’s best for her career at this moment may not be what’s best for you as a couple. Discuss this, determine a compromise, and work together. I don’t understand how it makes any sense for you to leave your job and move somewhere you can’t afford on her salary. Talk through these logistics. You may need to move somewhere you don’t like as much for the next few years, and that will be ok, too.

Post # 5
Member
30399 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My ex used to be transferred every 12 months. I quickly learned was that there were nice people everywhere and there were great reasons that people love where they do. There isn’t one area that beats all others. You will even find another restaurant to love. Be open to new experiences.

Post # 7
Member
3262 posts
Sugar bee

She doesn’t have to take the job. Have you told her how you feel? How does she feel about moving? Couldn’t she find something closer?

Post # 8
Member
48 posts
Newbee

Maybe try to focus on more of the great things the area has to offer? Life throws us so many curveballs, but sometimes moving to a new place can prove to be a fun one. I moved to the Bay Area about 5 years ago and lived there for 3 years, but I absolutely fell inlove with it. I didn’t expect that. But it’s such a great place to live. There’s so much great food around (choices!!!), diversity, weather is fantastic (always spring and fall), nature and hikes are so beautiful. You can do so many day trips to completely gorgeous places that are close by (Tahoe, Carmel, Big Sur, etc). I know so many people who came from other parts of the country and just fell inlove with it. 

Post # 9
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

What a fantastic opportunity to explore a new area and experience a complete change of environment! The way I see it You have two options – you can either dread the change and make yourself miserable or you can embrace the change and make the most of your opportunity – life is what you make it! Immerse yourself in a new community, explore new places, new foods and new friends.

 

Post # 10
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

Try to focus on all the positive and exciting things that come with moving to a new city. Do a bit of research into where you are moving to, suss out some exciting places to go, things you enjoy doing etc. it will help take the focus off being sad about leaving. 

Post # 11
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Wow, congrats to you guys for her landing a job in academia! That can be so tough, and it’s true that you really have to be flexible and follow the job opportunities in that career path.

I agree with others that you can choose to embrace the opportunity (looking forward to finding new restaurants to love, new furry friends, new places to hike or explore, new adventures together as a couple, etc), rather than continually focusing on the “loss” (losing your current favorite restaurant, etc). Whenever those “this might be the last time” thoughts pop up as you are preparing for the move, just re-frame your thought to focus on, “But I know I’ll find new favorites!” or “But by this time next year, I’ll be feeling at home somewhere new!”. We actually have a lot of control over our thoughts, and our emotions.

One quick question. You mentioned being afraid you won’t be able to afford “your half of the bills” once you move to CA. Do you guys have joint finances or split finances? If you do not have combined finances, have you considered contributing proportionally to income? So, if she is going to be making 70,000, and you are going to be making 30,000, she would cover 70% and you would cover 30% of your joint expenses? It wouldn’t be fair to expect you to cover 50% of the bills, if you are only bringing in 30% of your total income as a couple.

 

Post # 12
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

That is fantastic that she got a job at a great university!! I think it’s natural that you’re going to grieve for the home you’re leaving. It is sad that you love it and have to leave. Remember that it doesn’t have to be permanent. And I don’t mean to be dismissive, but I do think that once you leave your four-legged clients, you will hold onto the memories but easily move on. I work with children, and there is always some tears when a child I love leaves, or when I leave them. But once it’s over, it’s never a big deal. I think if you head into this move holding onto those feelings of “no one will take care of them the way I do”, you’re sort of setting yourself up to fail. Definitely give yourself some time to grieve and be sad. But I think in about a week, it’s time you move on from that and choose to focus on the bright side.

There’s a reason that so many people dream of moving to the Bay Area! It’s beautiful, and there’s so much to do. This is a place where people choose to spend their vacation budgets — you’ll have so much fun! It’s an amazing opportunity to get to explore this whole new place with your partner. Every weekend there’ll be something new to do, since you’re new to the area. Look into all of the tourist attractions. There’s going to be some loneliness and some culture shock, but you’re going to have so much fun finding new museums and restaurants and parks every weekend. Look into all of the road trips you can take from your new home. 

Choose to look at this as an adventure.

Post # 13
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Focus on the positive. This is a HUGE opportunity for your wife and, like you said, will make her career. Shes going to be leading research and/or teaching a rigorous curriculum in her field, both of which will make her attractive to universities across the country in the future. 

You can do anything for a year.  

Give her your support, and know down the line she’ll have her pick of places (hopefully on tenure track) where you can choose your adventure someplace that’s more to your liking. FWIW, so many people would love to live in the Bay Area! There are tons of possibilities where you’re going!

Post # 14
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

We’ve had this struggle in our relationship when it came time to end our long distance and move in together. 

I have very little family left and the ones I do have health problems so it was important for me to stay in my area. I also had a good job and my own place. My husband has a huge family that he is close with but not as close as I am to mine. He had an apartment with a roommate and ended up losing his job (which wasn’t that great) when he moved up here. We made the decision that he would move here for now and we would build a life here in my town. I agreed that once my family is gone I would be open to moving somewhere else of his choosing if that’s what he wants.

I won’t lie, my husband is miserable where we live. He absolutely hates it. But he’s stuck it out and really put his own feelings aside because he wants me to be with my family as long and possible and realistically we both know that won’t be forever. I also realize I won’t be stoked when it does come time to move to where ever but that’s what I signed up for and it’s important to me to be able to give something back to my husband like he’s given to me.

Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes you do something for your partner not because you want to do it yourself but because you love them and want them to be happy. As long as this is a cycle where both partners are “paying each other back” so to speak I think it can work.

Post # 15
Member
950 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t be able to live in Cali…their politics don’t align with my beliefs. It would be a no from me. Why did she apply to a state you seem to have little interest in? 

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