(Closed) Leaving to grad school, maybe I will leave the SO behind…

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Hostess
3372 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think how you are approaching this is very mature and I commend you. I also 110% agree with you. A gut feeling or a “one day” talk is not a guarantee, and unless he puts a ring on your finger and promises you forever between now and then, I think following your dreams and going to grad school is the best thing that you can possibly do. 

Your life cannot be sculpted and changed just because someone told you they “may” marry you in the future. 

Thank you for not having a teenage-mindset in thinking that just because he says something means it is going to happen. You know relationships are not a sure thing, and for that I give you MASSIVE props! Hopefully he does find a job where you are going though and you can stay together and have a wonderful future together though! Obviously that would be the best outcome. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My advice would be to go to grad school where you want and give the long-distance thing a shot. That’ll tell you pretty quickly if the relationship is worth keeping.

Long distance is the best litmus test. A mediocre relationship will fizzle almost immediately (I’ve had that experience). Whereas, now, my FI and I are long distance and it’s never been a question in my mind whether our relationship was worth the extra work.

But good on you for sticking with your guns and going to grad school!

Post # 5
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

To me it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, and you want to start over fresh, without your current boyfriend.  If I were you, I’d probably do the same!  You sound much more mature than I was at 23 (I’m 30 now), but if I would have married the guy(s) I dated at that time, I’d be MISERABLE now!  I know everyone is different but for me, having a few years in my early 20’s to just focus on myself and casually date different people (nothing too serious at the time) is just what I needed.  Good luck in whatever you decide!!

Post # 8
Member
11754 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I kind of feel that if you feel excited for a fresh start and are thikning about the excitement of the possibility of meeting someone new, then maybe this guy really isn’t for you. Don’t settle. When you find the “one” you won’t wonder if there’s someone else great out there.

I’d probably do the same – you’re young and starting a new life. YOu will grow up and change a lot through grad school. Great guys are hard to find, but they’re out there. Good luck!

Also just wanted to add how mature you’re handling this. Props to you for not hanging out to his “maybe one day we will get married” and convincing yourself that’s going to happen. I know far too many women in their late 20’s – early 30’s who have “settled” with a boyfriend and hanging on to hope that some day he will change his mind about wanting to marry them despite seeing the blatant writing on the wall that it’s never going to happen.

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

@PacificMrs:  +1

I also must commend your maturity. You sound like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders.

I guess I’m kind of in the same situation as you. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. Next September he will likely be leaving the city (maybe country) to be going to law school. He has asked if I would go with him. We have previously discussed our future and agree that we want it to be together. I have also told him that I will only live with him if we are engaged (I know many won’t agree with this, but this is what I feel is best for me).

Good luck! You’ve got a decision to make, but by the looks of it you’re going to make the best one 🙂

Post # 11
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First of all, I want to say that I was pretty much in your exact same situation, but I/we had no intention of breaking up at all. My Fiance and I had been dating for 3 years when I had gotten a full ride to a graduate program 8 hours away. With that being said, both of us knew the verdict, I was moving, he was staying where he had a job. Both of us really want to do something we really have a passion for as a carreer, and you have to do it NOW before you are attached (at least that was our goal). None of this moving 8 hours away for grad school without the other going if we were married. Yeah it was hard, but we knew we’d have to stick it out. Things got rocky at times but we were committed and we got engaged nov. 2011. My fiance was staying at his current job 8 hours away from me until his contract ended in may 2012, and somehow with the luck of the draw he got a great seasonal job with federal government in the same city I lived in. We decided we weren’t living together before marriage so yes, were did have separate apts (I had a roommate anyway). Things fell through with the apartment he was supposed to sublease, so he ended up staying with me but I was only okay with it because his job required him to travel 10 days, then get 4 days off. Therefore, it really wasn’t much of  a living situation for him… he never really unpacked! Well, he too, knew he wanted to do graduate school and so he just started this fall at a school 100 miles away from me, and he will graduate nov. 2013! We have decided to have our wedding Oct. 2013, a few months before he graduates (because of the weather, it gets too cold in nov. for an outdoor wedding!). So trust me, it’s hard but if you both want to make it work you will, and you are totally right for wanting to put your carreer first! I think its a great thing to do. And I definitely think it’s at least worth it to try the long distance, but maybe if you guys really think it will be to hard then maybe you just aren’t meant to be together!

Post # 12
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@grignardreagent:  I honestly believe that when you’re with ‘the one’, you’ll do anything necessary to be with them and to make the relationship work. If you’re entertaining the idea of meeting someone new and starting over after moving for grad school, I’d say you’ve answered your own question.

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee

This is tough.

My SO left for grad school 2 hours away after dating 6 months (and this past fall he moved 7 hours away for his phd).  At that point we said we would try long distance, and if we could make it work we were meant to me, neither of us wanted to emotionally leave the other person and we didn’t want to breakl up just because of distance.  We have been LDR for over 2 years now, and honestly, he is worth it.  It is not easy, but I would rather deal with the distance than not have him at all. 

At this point, it doesn’t really seem like either of you are committed enough to try it, and I don’t think that putting your life on hold is a good idea either.  Although, it kind of sounds like you’ve made up your mind, a year isn’t a long time, but it is long enough.

Your in a tough spot, but it sounds like you are being wise about it all, and I’m assuming the two of you will need to have some serious conversations if you get in. Good luck  

Post # 14
Member
3462 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@katlovesjames:  +1

I don’t have a ring so I have no reason to wait for him or to arrange my life around him.

Is he smart, funny, cute or whatever floats your boat?  If he’s the one…then I believe that is reason enough to wait for him and do a long-distance relationship or whatever it takes.  It’s all the reasons that make your toes curl and put a smile on your face.

You don’t sound like you want it to work out.  You sound like you’ve made up your mind.  And that’s ok.  But you’ve only dated 1 year, you’re only 23…from my perspective, that’s not so much time to give up on the relationship because he hasn’t proposed, unless you are trying to do so.  You’re excited about someone else – if this were the one, I don’t think that would be the case.

(Btw, I do think you should go where is best for you.  I just don’t think the options are *only* ring and he goes with you, or break up.)

Post # 15
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@grignardreagent:  This: “it is really hard to find a good guy and since I found one I should hold on to him” is not a reason to marry someone. You marry someone because you cannot imagine your life without him. Go to grad school, meet someone new.

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

@grignardreagent:  Thanks, we talked about the long distance option but both agreed that we could not handle it emotionally. It is really great that it worked for you but I would go nuts and would be miserable. Our only options really are he comes with or we break up. 

This sounds awful, but I think you’ve made up your mind.

My SO moved 300 miles away to University whilst I was still at Uni, so there was no option for me to move there with him. We did long distance for a year and then I moved to him.

Was it hard? Yes. But it was SO worth it. I didn’t have a ring… and that was 4 years ago. I still don’t (at least not for another couple of weeks anyway).

Ring or not, I knew he was the one. I didn’t need a ring to know that we’d be there for each other no matter what. I had faith that our relationship would stand the tests that both long distance AND university would throw at us.

If you would rather break up than do long distance, I think you should break up. Even if he does propose – you’re obviously not that into him or you would do ANYTHING you could keep hold of that boy.

Good luck at school – I hope you have a great time there Smile

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