(Closed) leaving your spouse for a new guy too soon

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: how soon should you wait to introduce your kids to your new guy after leaving your spouse
    2 weeks : (0 votes)
    1 month : (2 votes)
    2 %
    6 months : (42 votes)
    33 %
    1 year : (82 votes)
    65 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3152 posts
    Sugar bee

    Depends on the age of the children. I have two small kids so after I got a divorce, I did not even go on a date for two years.  I needed to completely focus on my little ones and couldnt imagine subjecting them to anyone else.

    Post # 5
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I add to that one year after you left your spouse or 6 months after the divorce is final, which ever is later. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    …Were you dating this guy while still married to your spouse? As a product of divorce myself, I think it would be easier and therefore you could introduce a new partner to older kids sooner if it was a new partner rather than if it was an affair that you’ve made official.

     

    In general, I usually am of the belief that you shouldn’t introduce them until the new boyfriend is around to stay, at least for a long time – every time you introduce a new person and break up, it’s like a breakup for your kids too, so I’d be careful with that.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    3572 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @charmed59:  that could be a really really long time.  It took my parents 8 years to finalize their divorce through the courts!  

    Post # 10
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @rozzy:  Sorry, I wasn’t following your posts and didn’t realize who it was. My thought stands though – if it’s the product of an affair, hold off. Kids will build enough hurt and resentment without having the other man flaunted in their face. Even though her current husband sounds like a jerk and I’d want to be rid of him too, gotta think of how it’s going to affect the kids – they didn’t have anything to do with this, they’re just the victims.

    Post # 11
    Member
    11272 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    it really depends on the age and maturity of the children and how they are personally coping with the divorce of their parents.

    my son was an adult (but still in my house) when i split with my ex.  my now dh and i met very soon afterward the split and my dh met my son as soon as i knew this was long term.  my son was overjoyed because he saw how happy i was.  i think his words were, “mom, he is perfect for you.”  not to mention, my son and dh have an amazing relationship.

    Post # 12
    Member
    13099 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    While I’d say that every situation is different, I think a good rule is probably 6 months (and I also wouldn’t introduce anyone who wasn’t going to be around for the long haul – kids don’t need to meet every fling of the week).

    Post # 13
    Member
    1634 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’ve personally been through this as the child several times. In my head, it wasn’t very long at all before one moved out and the other moved in. I don’t really remember ever being overly upset about it, but I also maintained a relationship with the previous father figure that tapered off over a few years instead of him just dissapearing altogether right away. So I think that helped.

     

    Like other commenters, I feel like 6 months is fair. It’s just important that (depending on the situation) the roles of the new person are laid out ahead of time. If dad is out because he was abusive, or whatever, then it needs to be made clear that dad is out. If dad is still in the picture, it needs to be made clear that the new person does not REPLACE dad, but is a new, additional part of the family dynamic.

     

    Best of luck to your cousin***!

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @MrsTVLover:  Yeah, I’m flummoxed by people that can’t pull together to finalize a divorce.  My feeling is they are probably not really ready to be divorced, and certainly not ready to enter another long term relationship.

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who considers people who’s divorces are not final as married.  EHarmony won’t even let you sign up unless your divorce is final.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    The American Academy of Pediatrics (healthychildren.org, I do believe) recommends 6 months.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1278 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I am speaking as the child of divorced parents. I was 25 when my parents divorced and my sister and brother were 12 and 11. My dad moved in his gf (who my mom left him after 25 years over) into their house the week after my mom moved out ON my mom’s bday! Needless to say, we (the kdis) were never able to accept the gf even though she was very nice I still considered her a homewrecker. Dad and her broke up last year, and he’s got a new gf now whom I have not met but my siblings have. We are supposed to meet this weekend at a family night.

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