Left my fiancé and I feel so broken.

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Honey it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

Two things you said stuck out at me– “He convinced me to stay” and “He told me all the things I wanted to hear.”

You don’t need to be convinced to stay if you’re truly in a good relationship.

A good partner doesn’t just tell you what you want to hear– actions speak louder than words.

Post # 3
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You did the right thing.  To be honest he sounds abusive and you did what you had to for your mental health, which has to come first.  Stay strong – it will get easier.

Post # 4
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

yellow62 :  

Aww bee, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  There’s nothing we can say that will make things hurt less or the pain go away any faster.  I will say that you did what was best for you and there’s nothing to feel guilty about.  That was the right thing to do.   You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.  Right now he’s knee-deep in anger and self-pity and since you were the closest thing he took it out on you.  That’s pretty abusive.  He’s the only one who can get himself out of that state.  That was never your responsibility.  All you could do was love and support him through a hard time and he made that nearly impossible.  So take the time to heal and get your bearings.  Don’t have any contact with him for a while okay?  You both need this time apart to get some perspective.  Who knows?  Maybe it will light a fire under his ass to actually change or maybe you will come to a conclusion that being apart is the very best for both but that can only happen if you give it time to heal.  Good luck bee.

Post # 5
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think you made the best choice. It’s going to hurt and, for how long, can’t say. However, the situation was not a good one and he is not in a place to be in a relationship. Likewise, you need to take the time to heal and build from the verbal and emotional abuse he put you through. So, just take your time to mourn the relationship, heal, focus on what you want out of life, focus on what you deserve, and just continue to build yourself.

You cannot change his disposition or his behaviors and it’s more harmful to entertain staying/going back. He has a lot of work to do on himself and I’m not sure you can fully say all of it was to blame for the illness.

I’m sorry for your experience and, with time, I’m sure you’ll feel at a better place. Best wishes.

Post # 6
Member
1380 posts
Bumble bee

You did the right thing by leaving.  There is a saying my grandmother used to tell me all the time regarding men and relationships, to pay more attention to how a man behaves during the bad times vs. the honeymoon stage.  It doesn’t matter how sweet or nice he is because the true measure of a person’s character is reflected during the stressful/turbulent times and how they behave.  

Don’t feel bad about leaving him even after all the dramatic crying and promises of being better.  Because if he was truly going to change he would’ve done it already and he would have shown concrete steps to not unleash his stress and anger on you.  

Look if he’s behaving and treating you this way before you are even married or any kids are in the picture, then you can just imagine how much worse he’s going to be when those added pressures and stress are there.

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

The subject of this made me so sad and heartbroken for you. I agree with the other bees that you made a great choice for you. You are very strong and will get through this. <3

Post # 8
Member
3411 posts
Sugar bee

you did the right thing bee. It’s really heartbreaking….but it sounds like your ex is just not in a good headspace following his diagnosis. He’s not able to be a supportive partner to anyone. I think taking some time apart is the absolute best thing for both of you. Hopefully he will get some therapy and pull himself together…but he needs to do that on his own and for his own sake, not for your sake. You 100% did the right thing.

This line resonated with me: “He said mean things about my friends and family. But this time it was all different because I wasn’t afraid to talk back.”

Isn’t it empowering when you finally turn this corner in a toxic relationship? with my ex, i walked on eggshells for YEARS. Finally one day something snapped and I started talking back because I realized I would be ok if the relationship ended. That moment was terrifying for my ex because he realized he no longer had any power over me. Looking back (it’s been about 4 years since that time), that was hands down one of the most triumphant moments of my life.

Post # 9
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Because I am objective, it is SO clear to me that you’ve done the right thing. Right now you’re heartbroken and that’s natural and it will take time and work on yourself to get through it. But you have 100% done the right thing.

Post # 10
Member
932 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You poor thing.  You have been through so much.  It just happened, so these feelings of grief are completely normal.  If this is your first heartbreak like this, it’ll be particularly painful.

Give yourself a full 6 months WITHOUT CONTACT before you make any decisions about returning to that relationship.  That’s the best advice I can give related to your future.  You must get to a place where you can analyze your situation without emotion, and that is going to take time.  Also expect your ex to try and manipulate you back into the relationship, probably by using the dogs somehow. 

Based on my own personal experience with heartbreak and failed relationships, you made the right decision.  You can’t see it now, but one day this is going to make you feel so much more powerful.  You’re clearly capable of making the tough decisions required by life in your best interest.  That is incredible.  Some people cannot do that, and when you are feeling better you’ll see it too. 

Lean on your Mom and family for now.  Stay strong. 

Post # 12
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you! 

You took your life back! You know what will ease the pain of this heartache? Not adding to it. You don’t have to be talked down to. You won’t lose your friends and family (which is exactly what would happen with a guy who tries to drive a wedge between you and your support system). You won’t lose yourself.

Forget the “promise” of an engagement ring.  It isn’t a set of wedding vows. You said you’d marry him, so you put the ring on. Now you won’t, so take it off. And block him. Today! 

If your sister or best friend told you this story you’d be looking at her like we’re all looking at you: proud of her moving the hell on, and hoping you don’t let this cancer back in to her life.

Post # 13
Member
43 posts
Newbee

The thing about leaving is, even if it’s 110% the right thing to do, it can still hurt. Just because it’s the right decision and will make your life better in the long run does not mean it won’t feel awful before it feels better. 

So let yourself feel broken, give yourself permission to grieve the end of the relationship. It’s a loss, even if it was for the better. Being upset does not mean you made the wrong choice.

Post # 14
Member
620 posts
Busy bee

This made me so sad for you! Hugs bee! But also happy for you for being so strong. You showed real strength and good character by being able to leave a man who you love, but know is so bad for you. Hang in there, time will heal all and you will start to gain your confidence again xo

Post # 15
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

I think you made the right choice, bee. It sounds like his disease made him severely depressed as you mentioned. That causes some outbursts and makes them say mean things they don’t actually mean. It’s exhuasting emotionally. I went through that with someone recently. And the moment I got to my parents house? All the anxiety and depression I felt for the past year, vanished. It sounded like a toxic situation and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You will get yourself through this. Being with your parents and knowing they love you makes you feel much better, at least it did for me. Now you can focus on you and what makes you happy!

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