- 3 weeks ago
I left my fiancé yesterday. I came home from work. Told him I was leaving. Packed what I could and I left him. I’m sitting at the airport at 4:30am with most of my belongings. I’m getting on a plane and leaving him behind and I’m falling apart.
We met online a few days after my 23rd birthday. He was handsome and made me laugh, we talked all day every day via FaceTime, as we lived over 3000 miles apart. We continued our FaceTime relationship for 6 months until I finally decided to make the first move. I got on a place by myself for the first time and flew to him, officially starting our long distance relationship. We fell in love so quickly. Everything we did together felt so natural and right. It was perfect and it was real love. We continued the LDR for another 6 months, until I lost my job and he asked me to move in with him(we lived in his parents basement to save $ until we could move out on our own.) He was in school. He had so much promise. I was so proud of how well he was doing and I was so excited for him to excel in his career once he finished school.
Graduation came and he immediately had 4 interviews lined up, but unfortunately no offers. This diminished his self esteem and his drive and the job search came to a halt. To make matters worse, a few weeks later, he was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease. It was heartbreaking news and he became depressed and I did everything I could to make him feel like himself, despite the diagnosis.
2-3 weeks after that, we had our first massive blowout. A friend had texted me a few days earlier telling me to leave him before his disease gets worse(that was never a thought in my mind, I loved him and everything about him no matter what). He went through my phone while I was sleeping and found the text and told me to get out of his life. I was terrified that our relationship was over. I left the house and spent two hours crying in a park, writing a letter asking for forgiveness. He forgave me, and ended up proposing the next day. I did think it was kind of soon, we had only been living together for three months, but I happily said yes and began planning our wedding. Things got worse.
We fought more. He was very angry all the time, I blamed this on his disease. We fought about everything. Things out of my control. He began to hate my parents because they’d ask me when he was going to start work, he demanded respect from them and didn’t believe he had to earn it. He began to hate my friends. We didn’t move out of his parents basement as planned. I didn’t know who he was anymore and it broke my heart. In May of 2017, we flew to my hometown for a family event, and afterwards, had another blowout fight. He screamed in my face while visiting my friends apartment and that’s when I knew he was never going to change. We returned back home and I told him how I was feeling and that I didn’t think we could make things work. He convinced me to stay and promised we would fix everything. We still fought. He talked down to me. He said mean things about my friends and family. But this time it was all different because I wasn’t afraid to talk back. It had been over a year since he had graduated and he still wasn’t working a steady job. I was working two, and just landed a third. To pay for OUR wedding.
This constant bickering lasted until this past weekend when he called me a name over a fast food order mixup. I slammed my brakes, and told him to start treating me with respect because I would never treat him how he treats me. We went home, I went to work, and he started arguing with me via text about the name calling situation, and starting bringing past situations up, demanded respect and I called my mom and told her I was leaving him.
I cried for 16 hours straight. I have rashes under my eyes from the salt of my tears. I’ve slept 3 hours and eaten only a croissant in the past 36 hours. I quit my jobs. I booked a flight. I went home and told him I was leaving. It absolutely broke his heart and I could see the pain in his eyes but I knew I had to be strong. He begged me to stay. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, that I was perfect and he wanted to spend his life with me, that I made a promise him when I accepted this ring. He never once got angry. It was pure heartbreak. His mom cried and begged me to stay. I told them I had made up my mind and it was time for me to go home to work on my own mental health. I packed what I could. I was forced to leave the dogs we own together, who are like my children, behind. I went upstairs to tell my fiancé goodbye and he begged and begged and cried and begged me to stay. It was so hard not to break down and say okay I’ll stay. I told him I would always love him, that he needed to get his life in order and I had to work on mine. I told him we weren’t ready for marriage. He told me could have a smaller wedding and we could make it work. I told him I had to go and that when he was ready, when he was mentally well and had a job, he could come to me, we could try again. He told me he had more good in him than bad. He made me promise I would come back for him. It took me 20 minutes to say goodbye and I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my entire life. I left.
I feel like I kind of lost track of where I was going with this. I guess all I want to know is am I doing the right thing? Was it wrong of me to break his heart like that? Or was it justified? I feel horrible. I miss him, his eyes and the way he smells. I truly want him to get his life in order so that we can try again. I love him endlessly and it’s killing me to be on this plane, but I know I have to do it. Will he change? I know he should’ve treated me better… I would never do anything to hurt him and I feel like he didn’t realize how he was hurting me until it was too late….. This is the worst pain imaginable and I would never wish this on anyone. What do I do? 🙁