Left my fiancé and I feel so broken.

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 34
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee

yellow62 :  

Just to clarify, I was 100% NOT victim-blaming. Yes, you had opportunities to  leave, but it is NOT your fault that you were manipulated into staying. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you.

My post was in response to your question “why do I attract these kids of guys?”

I just wanted to help you to understand, piece by piece, what a healthy woman (whatever that means for each of us) would have done instead of what you did, so that you could maybe see where your own sticking points are so that you can work on those in therapy or with close friends. 

To your point, you did NOT allow him to isolate you. You were aware all along, at some level, that what he was doing was wrong, and that is really really good. It means you have a strong moral compass, and it means you’re likely to move on from this in a positive direction. 

My post may have come across as a little brutal – that tone was in response to your update that he seems to be trying to weasel his way back into your life.

I just wanted to really drive home that this is not his disease. It’s not an immaturity problem he can “grow” out of. HE IS AN ABUSER. You don’t grow out of that. 

There are SO many lessons to be learned from this catastrophic last few years, and I truly hope that you learn them and never let another of these POS’s into your life again. 

Post # 36
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee

I went through a LONG period (my entire 20’s) of being taken advantage of, and a few years ago I went on a HUGE binge reading marathon to change my way of thinking.

Since I was coming from the one extreme opposite of having NO rules, NO expectations, NO standards, NO inherent feeling of self worth, etc. I read books at the opposite extreme. Incredibly sexist, gender-based, archaic articles and books – just to try to balance myself out.

I read “The Rules,” I read “Why Men Love Bitches,” “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” – even subscribed to Renee Wade – ALL that sexist dating trash.

And…. a lot of people would probably flame me for saying this… but, it actually helped me. Immensely. 

Because I’m a feminist and know sexism and normalization of gender roles when I see it, I was able to read past those parts and get the general repeated gist of “value yourself, and your partner will value you,” “treat yourself well, your partner will treat you well,” “don’t put up with drama and nonsense, and you won’t have drama and nonsense in your life.” While the overall tone was pretty sexist, there was also -ironically- a very strong vein of empowerment.

I ignored all the “this is how to manipulate your partner” bits and got the “this is how to truly be a more valuable, healthy partner” bits.

Now in addition to all the trash, I also read scientifically-based personality and relationship books like “Human Magnet Syndrome,” “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment,” and various article and books on narcissism.  

I also changed how I dated. I stopped offering/insisting on paying my way. I stopped putting in pretty much any effort at all. And here’s why: People like you and I – we are a narcissist’s wet dream because we give and give and give by NATURE. We do it unthinkingly. We give all we have. We don’t hold back. We don’t keep score. We don’t watch to make sure it’s reciprocated. We just give.

The ONLY way to find a partner who operates the same way (who will therefore be our emotional equal, instead of a taker) is to NOT give at first, and to watch to see how giving THEY are.

I didn’t want to do this for a long time because the feminist in me insisted I needed to do half. But what I realized is this has nothing to do with gender norms and everything to do with personality/relationship energy.

When I started dating FI, I didn’t lift a finger for anything. I never offered to pay half. I never tried to set up the next date. I never put myself out in any way. And I watched him. He always jumped at the opportunity to pay, he put himself out constantly to make MY life more convenient, and always set up the next date.

This wasn’t to ensure he would “support me like a good man.” It was to ensure I wasn’t dating someone who was a TAKER. I had finally realized I needed to date another giver to avoid being taken advantage of. So I kept my distance for 3-4 months and let him do all the giving before I started being more and more myself. And now we have the most equal relationship I have ever seen. Because we both give with abandon, with no thought to getting back, and no fear we will be taken advantage of. 

If you don’t follow ANY other advice from me, you should read The Human Magnet Syndrome, and Attached. They are both (especially combined) game-changers for people like us who get sucked into the pattern of being Narcissistic Supply. 

Post # 37
Hostess
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

yellow62 :  I’ve had a (now-ex) SO tell me if I left him he would kill himself and it kept me around longer than it should have.  It took a while for me to realize that if he did that, it wouldn’t be my fault and that I can’t let him manipulate me into staying in a relationship that wasn’t working for me.  This was a long time ago, and he never killed himself.  I badly needed someone to tell me it was ok to walk away and cut contact – I know I’m just a stranger on the internet but it IS ok for you to choose yourself and be 100% done. Staying in contact enables him and allows him to maintain power over you.  You are not a bad person for blocking all contact. I’m so glad that you had the strength to walk away from this guy, he sounds atrocious!

Post # 38
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You absolutely did the right thing. A disease doesn’t give ANYONE the right to be an abusive dick. 

Post # 41
Member
5764 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

yellow62 :  

He threatens to hurt/kill himself?  (Hardly original, btw).  *You* call the police or emergency services in his community.

It’s a win-win.

They are properly trained in dealing with suicidal people.  So if there is a scintilla of a chance he means it, you will be keeping him safe.  You can’t fix this, you lack the expertise and objectivity.

In the more likely event that he is manipulating you—he won’t be likely to do it again after the police show up pounding on his door.

Post # 42
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee

yellow62 :  Oh YAYY – I hope you’re able to get as much out of it as I was! It really helped me to understand my OWN motivations for getting sucked into unhealthy relationships. THAT helped me to ID my own issues that I needed to work on. You’ve got this! 

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