(Closed) LEGAL marriage matters to us, but so many just don’t *get it*… (vent)

posted 11 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 17
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Note: the standing of same sex marriages was established by the Iowa Supreme Court. The election (governor) is coming up and the heavily favored Republican candidate Terry Branstad is in support of fighting for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as heterosexual. Iowa may not be as established (ideologically) as we would all like! When all is said and done I hope we uphold our most cherished values as Americans!

I cannot comprehend this situation, but you have my support. I hate that you have to come all this way to enjoy the same right hetero couples can all over.

Post # 19
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can totally relate.  We are from CA, and are traveling to Vermont to have a destination wedding where we can marry legally.  We have gotten SO MANY COMMENTS from our friends and family about how rediculous it is that we are traveling across the country to get married.  Honestly, it baffles me that people don’t get it.  We could have gone just the two of us to get a marriage license from another state, and had a wedding in CA, but frankly, we don’t want to contribute our tax dollars to California, since we are still totally bitter about Prop 8.  (which was just overturned, yay!)  But still, we would rather bring our business to a state that respects us. 

Post # 20
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can relate to your frustration, MsInterpret.  I’m a very liberal lesbian, and in my experience talking with other liberal people, they sometimes identify feelings of anxiety when the topic of marriage equality comes up.  Although they are very supportive, more than one person has mentioned that during those conversations, they try to downplay the importance of legal marriage because they know how difficult and frustrating it is for us to achieve.  So in the interest of being supportive, they end up accidentally seeming like they don’t understand.  Of course, this is based on a few personal conversations, and can’t be applied to general patterns of thought for all people.  Just a perspective that has helped me to understand similar experiences in the past. 

Like you, my future wife and I will travel to another state to be legally married.  We know it’s worth it!  Congratulations to you!

Post # 21
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t know why anyone would be shocked that you want a legal marriage! That’s the point of the wedding, after all. I know I would definitely not throw a $10K party if there was no “real” marriage going on. Couples who aren’t getting married don’t throw random expensive hey-isn’t-our-relationship-cool parties, so I’m not sure why anyone would expect you to do that. 

It sucks that you have to travel so far. In Canada we’ve had legal gay marriage since 2005 (mandated by the federal government, so individual provinces cannot opt out), so I can’t even imagine what you have to go through and then still your home state will not recognize you as married. But I can definitely understand why you’d want a legal marriage – then when your state eventually comes to its senses, or the federal gov’t mandates legal gay marriage, you won’t have to get “real married” all over again. 

Post # 22
58 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@Jillbean:  Federally mandated? Full-on, legit same-sex marriage?? Wooow…. almost too good to be true. I’ve always loved Vancouver BC! What’s the process like for an American to move up there? 🙂 kidding… kind of…

Post # 23
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@Pinot Noir: Immigration is probably hard! But we do do elopements 😉 

Post # 25
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

First, let me add my voice to the others in vehement support of both your legal and personal right to marry (regardless of how far you have to go!). I’m proud of my own state and hope it maintains its current level of dedication to equal rights.

I’ve said this elsewhere, but it bears mentioning again: we can all only hope that the national legalization of gay marriage will go the way of slavery, the woman’s right to vote, seperate-but-equal, and interracial marriage, in that the laws were always a few steps ahead of the majority. We don’t live in a democracy, we live in a democratic republic, and the Constitution (national) is a living document. Ammending it to limit human rights rather than expand them runs counter to all the prior ammendments’ purposes, and would be looked upon by most of the world as a massive step away from progress.

My fiance and I are ardent supporters of equality — he and I do not accept Civil Unions as a substitute, nor would we unless all couples received them regardless of gender — and will be inserting text into our ceremony which comments on that support (one of the first questions we’ll be asking potential officiants will be to determine their stance).

I guess all I can say is that, while I cannot empathize, I think those who question your decision to “go the distance” literally for your marriage are a bit shortsighted. Unless and until legal marriage does not alter taxes/inheritance/domicile/hospital laws, legal marriage remains important to those who want it.

Best wishes and best of luck to you. Keep us updated!

Post # 26
7 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

Totally relate! Thanks for the vent fellow Texan! We are traveling to DC to make it legal. We thought about going out of the country to get married but decided that we wanted to be a part of the US process.

When you have always had the option for something it isnt viewed the same. We have waited and fought to have this right and to use the word marriage. We still have a way to go in many states. We still dont have protection for jobs, housing, or hate laws that cover us. Thats why its important to be counted, to make it legal and be part of history. One day young GLBT folks will ask about how it “used to be” and we like our brothers and sisters at Stonewall will share the stories. As a community educator, artist, activist I think its important to share the stories.

I just try to explain that legal status someplace in the US is even more valuable in states that dont recognize our relationships. Afterall we just want our love, committment, families to be valued and respected like all the others. Legal rights are valued in this country. Its sad we have to have folks vote on our relationships and we are supposed to have separation of church and state but reality is we have work to be done.

I celebrate your love and am happy that you are making it legal just like we are doing. Its a coming out party for our love!

in solidarity,


Post # 27
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree. I’m not gay but I feel very strongly about the subject. It is so unbelievebly silly to me. It’s like saying “Chinese people can’t get married because I think Chinese people are weird.” It’s just mindblowing to me that people are against gay marriage! It’s also mind blowing to me that people are “indifferent about it.” My dad for example, I asked him how he felt about it and he said “eh.. I don’t really care one way or another.” To me that’s almost as bad as being against gay marriage! Marriage is a basic civil right people!!

Post # 28
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2021

I think gay marriage is neccesary. I feel (as a straight woman who is recently wed) that gay marriage does affect straight marriage, but strengthening it and putting the focus on love. I really honestly believe that gay marriage is like inter racial marriage- someday we as a nation will be ashamed that we prevented something that is so clearly good for humanity as a whole.

I totally understand why you would travel to be legally married! Although I think it is terrible that you would have to do so. As someone who isn’t religious, the entire marriage is about the legal part for me, I would be devistated if that had been denied to me and I can only hope that someday everyone has the same rights.

Post # 30
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I actually have two male friends who did a small commitment ceremony but when I asked why they did not decide to travel somwhere its legal to marry ( I would have SO driven to it :3) they said that they will not marry each other until it is legal to do so in the state they live in. Both said it wasnt fair that they MUST travel to get married when me and my FH have the ability to get married right here right now. I can understand that form of reasoning

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