Legally married a year before the wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 61
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

maipeachy :  This is not the same thing at all.  A sacramental marriage done after the legal marriage is not at all what OP is talking about.  

Post # 62
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jannigirl :  The OP didn’t indicate that she was Catholic, I was just providing a counter-example from my experience as a response to your indication that the officiant would be fine with it. I mentioned that the OP’s officiant might have a similar reasoning for not performing the ceremony in that case, whether for personal or religious convictions. 

Post # 63
Member
861 posts
Busy bee

emsc123 :  will you be having a bridal party? I suggest telling them also. This happened to me. I was/still am Maid/Matron of Honor and wasn’t informed about the most important day of my friends life. Doesn’t the best man and Maid/Matron of Honor deserve to know? They’ve been selected for the reason of being your closest person in your life. When I had found out at the large wedding shower I threw/hosted by a guest they were already married. It really hurt me bad. It was embarrassing and made me feel like shit. I had already planned her Bach party and through out that whole night I felt I was disrespecting their marriage. It felt awful. If she would have been upfront with it all before I planned these things it may have been different for me. I have spent money on my whole wedding outfit and the “wedding” vow reneal/reenactment  (or what have you) has been post poned 4 different times. It has been 15 months since their legal marriage and I haven’t heard a thing in months. In other words it has damaged our friendship. Be upfront with your bridal party because the moment you ask them to buy shoes, a dress, u except parties, and showers does become their business. Don’t say if I love her I’d support her. If she loved me she would have been honest when I was putting my money, time, and morals into her wedding plans. Be cautious if you select a bridal party.

Post # 64
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

texasgal747 :  Signing the license depends on the state.  I was my sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor so I signed hers as witness (in Indiana), but in Illinois where I got married, we didn’t even sign our own license!  It was so weird to me.  Only the officiant signs it here.

Post # 65
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ve been married twice and both times our pastor requested the marriage license ahead of time so that they could make sure it’s all good and then they were the ones who brought it to the ceremony. So would’ve been tough to hide it from them.  I also know for a fact those people would not have been ok officiating a fake wedding. A vow renewal or celebration that wasn’t a secret? Totally fine. A fake wedding for a secret marriage? Nope. 

Post # 66
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

So I hear a lot about this on the Bee, and I never understand why people are so harsh about it or why they care so much… My Fiance and I are having to do this for legal immigration reasons, but we don’t want to. We have consulted with an immigration lawyer, and the best advice for us is to be legally married before our wedding that we already have planned. 

No one else on here knows your situation and I would think people could muster up a bit of sympathy… I cried my eyes out when we finally came to this conclusion with the immigration lawyer… I never wanted to have to have a legal courthouse wedding. We are taking this “marriage” as a piece of paperwork that is legally necessary and nothing else. We aren’t celebrating this marriage date, because to us we will be married on our wedding day in the States, not the day we were forced into having. This will not make our wedding any less special just because international immigration tired to screw it up… Don’t let it be any less special for you either. 

Post # 67
Member
4121 posts
Honey bee

emsc123 :  Just wanted to tell you that this is a very controversial topic at this website and you’ll  get panned for this. I’ve seen it happen quite often when someone posts something similar. Ultimately, you need to do what works best in your situation. 

Post # 69
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

jellybellynelly :  no. I gave no misinformation. I’m Catholic. I’ve had family members do this. It wasn’t frowned on. It was celebrated as a wedding. 

Post # 70
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Do what you like. 

Post # 71
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

Meh. People on this site always get up in arms about this topic.

I actually had a friend who got married a few years back, normal wedding complete with church ceremony and everything. Toward the end of the reception, one of her close friends let slip they were already married in a small side conversation and I could tell from the look the bride gave her that she wasn’t supposed to.

I really did not understand the problem then and I don’t understand it now. I was just as happy to be there with them, celebrating their union, AFTER I knew it was “just” a celebration as I was when I thought it was the traditional marriage wedding. 

I’m a super curious person, so I immediately asked her why they’d gotten married before and she said for health insurance reasons, same as OP’s reasons, and I just said that was smart thinking and we got on with the night. I’m sure more friends found out after the fact and I haven’t heard of anyone resenting them for it. 

I mean, whatever works for my friends works for me. I can understand preferring that people not know in order to keep some of the feeling of specialness around the day.

Post # 72
Member
4643 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

emsc123 :  We did the EXACT SAME THING!!! We’ve been married 5 years, and his parents still don’t know the real date. My parents found out a few years ago but the original plan was to keep it secret forever. He had 1 friend, i had 1 friend at the courthouse and that was it. We did keep the same DATE though.. Dec 1 was the anniversary date for both legal wedding and then exactly a year later to the day, we had the wedding ceremony with friends / family.

We told our pastor who officiated the ceremony what we had done and he had us sign the documents but didn’t file them with the state, since we already filed them a year before. Let me know if you have any questions or want to chat. 

No regret! I am so happy we did it the way we did!

Post # 73
Member
4643 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

laynita : We did it the way we did for immigration reasons as well. 🙂 Are you guys going to live in the US after? CR 1 visa…? Just curious as we went through all the immigration hoops and I am still pretty active on http://www.visajourney.com helping others with marriage applications. 

Post # 74
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t be upset if I found out my friends were married on a different date then the actual wedding. Doesn’t make it any less special to me, we are still celebrating the union of a couple. A friend of mine actually didn’t get married on the day of her wedding, it wasn’t a year before, but when I found out I wasn’t upset about it at all. 

Post # 75
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

emsc123 :  Wait. If your paper will publish your marriage (post #48), there is zero chance your marriage will be kept a secret.

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