(Closed) Legally married Before the Wedding, Any thoughts???

posted 5 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
2840 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think that is fine to get legally married before having the celebration wedding day.

Post # 4
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Sounds like a very practical idea.  I say go for it!

 

Post # 5
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I know it’s very common for military brides to do this, but I personally don’t agree.  I just feel like you get one wedding day.  My fiance and I could have gotten married earlier, but we didn’t have the added incentive of getting paid more for being married. 

Post # 6
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

For the most part, this is generally a frowned upon idea.  Except for military situations – and when it comes to benefits, and for legal issues, it makes perfect sense.

And welcome to the Bee!  Prepare to become addicted!

Post # 7
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think most of the bees are very supportive of bees in your situation who have reasons for wanting to be married before their FIs are deployed.  The only controversey usually involves how a couple handles this situation after they are married and whether or not the couple is forthcoming with family and friends that a marriage has taken place.

Because a couple technically cannot still be united in marriage once the couple already is married, a married couple technically needs to have a vow-renewal ceremony instead of an actual wedding ceremony, since their wedding would already have taken place.

However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple at a later date having a full-blown, beautiful, very wedding-like, vow-renewal ceremony with all the trimmings (dream dress, attendants, etc. etc.) and a big reception to celebrate their marriage with their family and friends. The differences in wording would need to be very slight.  For example, invitations may invite guests to “celebrate the marriage of …” instead of inviting them to be present “at the marriage of …,” and the officiant may ask the couple to confirm the vows that they had earlier taken.

Whatever you decide, I wish you and your Fiance the best and also a very safe deployment for your FI!

Post # 8
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Give ‘er. I don’t see this as being any different from getting legally married before having a destination wedding to save on paperwork (which is what I’m doing). It’s your wedding, you can do whatever you want with it.

Post # 9
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is very common for military brides. It’s unfortunate but sometimes it’s not possible to avoid it.

Personally I would just go ahead and have a quiet ceremony and that’s it. If you want a big wedding I would wait and if possible try to get insurance through your own employment. At the point that he returns how long would you be legally married? More than a year? At some point a big white wedding does not make sense.

You can always have a nice home reception when he gets back. Kind of a welcome home/celebrating our union type thing. But I really feel for most situations, you only get 1 wedding day and you need to decide how you want to have it work.

Post # 10
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

In this situation, I woudl definately advise you to get legally married before the big day. Do it in private, or just with parents ASAP (before the new tax year) and save your big celebration for when he returns

Post # 11
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Magdalena:  Why shouldn’t she do both? Who says she isn’t allowed to have her dream wedding as well as a practical option?

Post # 12
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Woohoo!  Congrats on your engagement!  I don’t see a problem with this at all.  FI and I are in  a similar situation, but I am the one who is not really wanting to do the whole courthouse thing.  I just haven’t gotten over the fact that I might lose that feeling of walking down the aisle as a single woman (or maybe just not feeling as special if we didn’t go to the courthouse beforehand).  FI thinks it will still be special.  Every person’s preference and way they imagine their wedding is different.  The practicality of it is definitely a good reason to do it before he deploys.  I say go for it!

Post # 13
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was going to do the same thing for insurance reasons– but keep in mind that different religions handle this differently. In my Catholic church, the priest would perform an intimate ceremony with just us prior to the ‘wedding day.’ No one would have to know, and the ‘wedding day’ would have gone as planned. We were able to work out our insurance issues, and are no longer planning that route. But I would MUCH rather do that than have one of us go without insurance for the next 6 months so I think it’s a smart option.

 

However, if you dont plan to get married in a church, I would go to the courthouse and get married in the eyes of the state, and then hire an officient for a spiritual marriage on your wedding day.

Post # 14
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I just got legally married on the 9th. My husband is in the Navy, and he deploys often, so we’re in the same boat as you.

Our “formal” wedding will be in June.

I see nothing wrong with it — go for it!

@Magdalena: I don’t really understand why you feel she couldn’t have a formal wedding afterwards. Care to explain?

Post # 16
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Asia:  she’s totally “allowed” to do both, I think it’s just in better taste to have 1 wedding day. Civil ceremonies are real weddings and they count. Therefore if you’re going to have a big celebration at a MUCH later date I think it’s tasteful to call it a vow renewal or a welcoming celebration or a home reception.

And personally I wouldn’t have the reception/renewal etc as a big white to-do in that situation. Because it kind of makes it seem like one is pretending the civil ceremony didn’t happen or the marriage doesn’t already exist – when certainly the US government paying out the higher salary and the health insurance company paying the claims are under the impression it exists! Integrity is vital in this issue – but integrity is too strong a word, maybe consistency is a better way of putting it.

But there are a lot of little variables in this – is the renewal taking place 6 weeks after the legal ceremony or 6 years? Do the couple already live together? I went to a recent wedding where the bride legally married her Naval officer husband about 4 months before the big religious ceremony. Not only did they maintain separate residences they were waiting to have sex until the night of their religious wedding. They didn’t consider themselves to be married in the slightest. The legal paperwork really was just paperwork to them. In that situation I don’t think it’s incorrect to have a big white renewal/wedding at all!

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